Monday, November 16, 2009

The Wedding. Where to hide during a vampire outbreak. And how I did not point and shout "whore of babylon" even though I wanted to.

So sorry to keep you all on the edge of your seats about the wedding I went to this weekend, but I was recovering yesterday. NO! This time I was not hungover. But my legs did decide to remind me that wearing heels is never a good call for my legs anymore. That my muscles and joints will join together in a protest of epic proportions thus rendering me unable to walk the following day. And their retaliation will be met with a counter-strike on my part with the aid of muscle relaxers which does have the effect of me being slightly insensible and some sleepy moments accompanied by drooling. Yeah, I wasn't pretty yesterday. But I did get a lovely nap on the couch, a scary movie from 1979 that I'd dvr'd watched, and hubby made dinner (okay frozen pizzas which is not quite dinner but the best he could do), and dived into the world of Mr. King while hubby watched football. And I only had to sock him in the arm once when he got bored and poked me in THE FREAKIN LEG.

As for the wedding...well first a warning...if you are very religious you may want to skip down a paragraph or two. I put reception in big bold letters so just go there if you're going to get mad and not read my blog anymore. K? As I do not believe in organized religion, my thoughts during the wedding ceremony might qualify as offensive and sacrilegious. I mean no offense. But if you like you can call me a pagan heathen. Just don't try to convert me. Mmmmk? Here we go...

The wedding was held in one of the most beautiful churches I've ever been in. Definitely the most beautiful one in our town. I've been to several weddings there so I'm familiar with the fact that the catholic wedding ceremony lasts approximately 3.5 years. Okay, maybe it's not that long, maybe it's only 1.25 hours, but to me it seems like forever. Add all the standing, sitting, kneeling and it's more like calisthenics then church. Everything was beautiful. All nine (seriously nine) bridesmaids and groomsmen looked great. No four eyed joes in this bunch. Five of the bridesmaids were sisters of the bride, one was a sister in law and the best man was actually a woman! She was the sister of the groom. The ceremony was lovely but of course my attention wandered. And as always when I'm in that church with all of it's paintings depicting saints, the statues, the stained glass and the cathedral ceilings, I'm forced to wonder who the hell dusts that place?? Is there like a team? And do they have to use scaffolding to reach the really high windows? Once I asked this question out loud...and earned some horrid glares. This time I merely leaned over and mentioned to hubby that in the event of a vampire outbreak, I was totally holing up in that church. With all those crosses and stuff the vamps don't stand a chance of getting in!!

Then they do that part of the service where you're supposed to greet your neighbors with a smile and a handshake or hug. Um. Hello. Cold and Flu season. Does this mean nothing to you?! Can we not change that to a fist bump maybe? To avoid unnecessary contact with the palm of a strangers hand that they may or may not have just coughed or sneezed on?? Yuck! And ever since I was little my reaction to this part of the service has been to want to jump back and scream "don't touch me!". Really, how can we teach our children not to talk to strangers and then take them to church and make them touch perfect strangers??? Don't even try to tell me that everyone who goes to church is godly. Because I'm pretty sure even John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahlmer and Ted Bundy went to church at some time or another. Showing up doesn't automatically make you a good person. When I was a teenager I would just stand with my arms crossed and one eyebrow raised. I'd perfected the "touching me is probably not in your best interest" look. But as an adult, I've forced myself to shake hands so as not to brutally rebuff what might be perfectly well intentioned folks.

Then came communion. And this is the part where I get really bad. My mother taught us that you should not take communion unless you truly believed in god and jesus. I have never taken communion and do not plan on it. I am not a hypocrite. I don't truly believe in my heart in the version of a higher power that communion represents. So when he took out that wafer and held it up I have to tell you it reminded me of a tortilla, which reminded me of tacos, which reminded me that I was starving! Then they got out the chalice and blessed the wine. Um. Hello. Again. Yes it's me germ watching girl. Cold and Flu season people! And yet everyone's going to drink from the same cup?? I'm sorry that I don't buy that blessed piece of cloth that they wipe the cup with kills flu germies. I did notice several people bypass the wine drinking. Either they are germ-careful like me or that's some yucky wine. Lulu's boyfriend was one of the non wine drinkers. He says it's yucky wine. He's also a lapsed catholic, and says he doesn't believe. So I asked why he took communion and he said "habit". I told him he was gonna get smote. Because if their version of God is true, then he knows when you're being a hypocrite and that is definitely a smiting offense!

Oh and there was this part where you were supposed to contemplate your own marriage and turn to your partner and ask forgiveness for things you might have done and rejoice in your bond. So I looked at hubby and told him I totally forgave him for being a poop this week. He said he didn't think that was what the priest meant and I may have gotten the intent wrong there. But whatever, he should've just taken the forgiveness. I thought it was pretty generous of me not even making him ask for forgiveness or anything. So now you know why me and church are a really bad combination. There's just no knowing where my mind is going to drift or if I'll forget and say things out loud.

Now for the was pretty uneventful. Until the end. We got there, found a table for ourselves and our friends. I sat on the side where I could see the door because I wanted to know when Jezebel entered. They started the food line and hubby decided to go look for the men's room. Lulu wasn't hungry so her bf and Sean and I headed to the line. As we're standing there who should walk in (not three feet from us!)...yep Jezebel and her boyfriend. (She got divorced shortly after I threatened to have a conversation with her husband if she didn't leave him and my son alone. Oh yeah, she's a piece of work. She was also hitting on Sean at the time. He was 14). Anyway, she now lives with a tattoo artist. But I did not shout "whore of Babylon" and point. I rolled my eyes instead and sighed loudly instead. I know that's way more mature. We got through the line and back to the table and omigod they were the best mashed potatoes I've ever eaten. Seriously. But then I saw someone's stuff sitting on our table and turned to Brandi and Laura.

Me: Please tell me that's not her stuff sitting on the table.

Brandi: As if! No way would we let her sit with us.

Me: well surely she wouldn't have the audacity...

Laura: I wouldn't put it past her. But no that's not her stuff.

Lulu: Do you honestly think I would have let her down this row of chairs? I don't want her anywhere near our men!

I saw Jezz and her bf come out of the food line and stand around looking for a place to sit. There wasn't anywhere. And for a minute I felt bad for her. But then it passed. Gradually through the night she worked her way closer to our table. And once when Lu and Luke were dancing she and her bf went to dance right in front of them, so that if we looked up to watch Lu, we'd have to see her. As the last of the dancing was wrapping up, Brandi's 3 year old went over and was sitting by Jezz, playing with her phone. I came off the dance floor and was standing with Brandi and her hubby. He was like "go get Mattie. We're totally going to have to wipe her down with antibacterial wipes now. Or get her shots." I added "yes, because I'm pretty sure Jezebel cooties are catching!" We laughed. Then it was over and time to leave. Hubby, Sean and I were walking to the door when I decided to hit the restroom one last time. I'd had some beer and it's a long drive home. When I came out they said they had to wait for Luke who'd also gone to use the restroom. That Lulu was outside already saying goodbye. I had her jacket so I took it out to her and we stood there talking for a few. Then Luke joined us and I asked where Hubby and Sean were. He said he didn't know they were waiting so they must still be inside. I walked back to the door and through the glass I could see them. Who do you think was standing close enough to touch them???! I said "oh no she didn't!!" and started for the door and Luke grabbed me around the middle and hoisted me to the parking lot. Lulu yelled that she'd get them. When Hubby came out I was primed for WWIII. He immediately said "I didn't talk to her, I swear" and Sean backed him up. About then Brandi and her hubby caught up to us. She says "I saw her moving in, I was trying to get there in time. I was like Matt, we have to go. We have to go now! We have to run interference!" So I settled down. So no fights, no arrests, no fun. I mean...I was very adult. Mostly. =]

And that, dear readers, is that. That's my blog and I'm sticking to it!


  1. OMG! I had a good comment and it didnt post. Trying it again.

  2. So Luke stopped you from beating someones ass. Well then I guess Luke owes your adoring fans a special blog post. After all he ruined our chance of a sweet 2 page post covering the hair-pulling, blackeye giving, going to the county jail, wedding brawl. We really should get something in return. Maybe next time he will think about his actions.
    Just Kidding...sort of. You think they would let you work on NANOWRIMO in the jail? or at least do the daily blog post?
    I am unfamiliar with this Jezebel character was she from an older post? Anyway it seems like the wedding was an otherwise lovely event.

  3. I see that our views on organized religion are quite similar. Also, we were at my Father-in-law's funeral and they do the communion there too. I didn't partake, neither did my wife. The look of sheer loathing that appeared on my mother-in-law's face was priceless. But I will not be a hypocrite to fit in. Hell, I was in a church and that should've been enough for her.

  4. Awww ...

    I was hopin' for some ass kickin' too. Kudos to you for taking the high road - even though the rest of us are routing for you to stoop.

    I may some day write a post regarding my thoughts and feelings on the Catholic Church and such ... not today, though.

  5. I've been to church 5 times since I left home. 2 weddings (my first and my sisters), baby dedication (niece), Christmas play (sister when she was 12)and one mother's day.

    Growing up my parents were very religous, dad was studying to be a preacher. I am there worst child when it comes to religion. I lived up to the stereo type of the preacher's daughter.

    Sounds to me like that Jezz needs a good fight.

  6. Spot! Aw, man! You totally composed yourself (except for the grabbing around your middle and hoisting part, but whatever). I was really hoping for a drag-down jail worthy fight! Of course, who am I to judge? Last fight I got in was in 7th grade with my BFF - yep...we totally staged it for attention. Except it went a little backwards when she clocked me for real. Hard. She had a little bit of unrealized frusration with me, apparently.) Great job being all mature and stuff. =)

  7. Mark~ I have my doubts that a post from Luke would really fill the void but as Lulu reads my blog I will not go further with that. *mutters under breath "damn kids all up in my jello"*JK Lulu! No, I think they take your laptop away in jail. So I would definitely have withdrawal. That's why I made sure my friends had bail money. Because I'm prepared like that! I have never mentioned Jezebel before but possibly I will explain tomorrow. That would be an interesting post.

    Management~ Well I show up to church for family things. Weddings, funerals, first communions, blah blah blah. But I refuse to be reverent. It's just not in me.

    Danica~ sorry I didn't get to write about a good ass kickin! But I think I might write her into my novel and then kill her off. Almost as satisfying and with less police.

    Heather~Oh heavens! We once deposited a very drunk, half dressed preachers daughter on her doorstep, rang the bell, and ran like hell. And I was once um.very.good.friends with a preachers son. Their kids are the wildest! Oh she needs an ass whoopin that's for sure!


  8. Mindy~ I totally must have been commenting at the same time as you. But I'm kind of high on cold meds right now so I could have just missed your comment. If that's the case...sorry! Yeah, I haven't really been in a big fight for awhile unless you count all the times I sock my hubby in the arm for doing something dumb. Which is kind of alot come to think of it...if it actually hurt him at all, it might be considered abuse. But since he just laughs at me I think it's okay. I got into a fight with my BFF junior year of high school. Apparently, going to prom with her ex bf was not kewl with her. She threw a combination lock at me in the hallway. Good news though! The bruise went away and she forgave me.


  9. For what it's worth. :)

    I am a practicing Catholic and I DO NOT WANT TO HOLD HANDS WITH STRANGERS DURING THE OUR FATHER! (That's the Lord's Prayer to you Protestants.) Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me. Can't you see that I am clapsing my hands in front of me?

    Also. I do not want to shake your hand after you have sneezed into it. Lord have mercy, people, don't infect me with your swine flu.

    I never drink the wine at communion. I think it's gross to share a cup with a gajillion people. I never take communion when I go to (Lutheran) church with my husband because - well - you're kinda not supposed to take communion outside of your own church. Just sayin'.

    As far as the dusting? Our guardian angels fly up there and use their wings to clean the statues near the ceiling. :)

  10. I like the idea of the fist bump with the whole H1N1 and old people flu and I think the Pope would find it a BRILLIANT idea...either that or the Queen wave would work.

    I was told that if you missed mass you couldn't go to communion until you went to confession. Needless to say, I don't go to communion when I'm at a church for an event.

    It's good to know that people have you covered and protect you from going to jail for bitch slapping.

    btw...a good mashed potato is always memorable.

  11. class~ thank you for stopping by and for commenting. And also for not getting offended. And for totally clearing up that whole "dusting" thing!! And for letting me know that I'm not being germ-phobic. That other people are grossed out as well!

    LMB~Thank you for your comment. Someone should for sure forward my suggestion to the Pope. Who knows? If changing to the fist bump saves only one life, I could maybe get a sainthood. Saint Spot, Patron Saint of Fist Bumps. I like it!


  12. Fist bumps are for sissies. Nothing says I am down with G-O-D like a good chest bump.

  13. Wow. Sounds like some event. It also sounds like the REAL fun was happening with YOU guys...the hell with the bride & groom!

    All in all, sounds like a good time was had by all. And yeah...the only thing longer than a Catholic wedding mass is a "High" catholic wedding mass....where they SING the whole thing!