So sorry to keep you all on the edge of your seats about the wedding I went to this weekend, but I was recovering yesterday. NO! This time I was not hungover. But my legs did decide to remind me that wearing heels is never a good call for my legs anymore. That my muscles and joints will join together in a protest of epic proportions thus rendering me unable to walk the following day. And their retaliation will be met with a counter-strike on my part with the aid of muscle relaxers which does have the effect of me being slightly insensible and some sleepy moments accompanied by drooling. Yeah, I wasn't pretty yesterday. But I did get a lovely nap on the couch, a scary movie from 1979 that I'd dvr'd watched, and hubby made dinner (okay frozen pizzas which is not quite dinner but the best he could do), and dived into the world of Mr. King while hubby watched football. And I only had to sock him in the arm once when he got bored and poked me in THE FREAKIN LEG.
As for the wedding...well first a warning...if you are very religious you may want to skip down a paragraph or two. I put reception in big bold letters so just go there if you're going to get mad and not read my blog anymore. K? As I do not believe in organized religion, my thoughts during the wedding ceremony might qualify as offensive and sacrilegious. I mean no offense. But if you like you can call me a pagan heathen. Just don't try to convert me. Mmmmk? Here we go...
The wedding was held in one of the most beautiful churches I've ever been in. Definitely the most beautiful one in our town. I've been to several weddings there so I'm familiar with the fact that the catholic wedding ceremony lasts approximately 3.5 years. Okay, maybe it's not that long, maybe it's only 1.25 hours, but to me it seems like forever. Add all the standing, sitting, kneeling and it's more like calisthenics then church. Everything was beautiful. All nine (seriously nine) bridesmaids and groomsmen looked great. No four eyed joes in this bunch. Five of the bridesmaids were sisters of the bride, one was a sister in law and the best man was actually a woman! She was the sister of the groom. The ceremony was lovely but of course my attention wandered. And as always when I'm in that church with all of it's paintings depicting saints, the statues, the stained glass and the cathedral ceilings, I'm forced to wonder who the hell dusts that place?? Is there like a team? And do they have to use scaffolding to reach the really high windows? Once I asked this question out loud...and earned some horrid glares. This time I merely leaned over and mentioned to hubby that in the event of a vampire outbreak, I was totally holing up in that church. With all those crosses and stuff the vamps don't stand a chance of getting in!!
Then they do that part of the service where you're supposed to greet your neighbors with a smile and a handshake or hug. Um. Hello. Cold and Flu season. Does this mean nothing to you?! Can we not change that to a fist bump maybe? To avoid unnecessary contact with the palm of a strangers hand that they may or may not have just coughed or sneezed on?? Yuck! And ever since I was little my reaction to this part of the service has been to want to jump back and scream "don't touch me!". Really, how can we teach our children not to talk to strangers and then take them to church and make them touch perfect strangers??? Don't even try to tell me that everyone who goes to church is godly. Because I'm pretty sure even John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahlmer and Ted Bundy went to church at some time or another. Showing up doesn't automatically make you a good person. When I was a teenager I would just stand with my arms crossed and one eyebrow raised. I'd perfected the "touching me is probably not in your best interest" look. But as an adult, I've forced myself to shake hands so as not to brutally rebuff what might be perfectly well intentioned folks.
Then came communion. And this is the part where I get really bad. My mother taught us that you should not take communion unless you truly believed in god and jesus. I have never taken communion and do not plan on it. I am not a hypocrite. I don't truly believe in my heart in the version of a higher power that communion represents. So when he took out that wafer and held it up I have to tell you it reminded me of a tortilla, which reminded me of tacos, which reminded me that I was starving! Then they got out the chalice and blessed the wine. Um. Hello. Again. Yes it's me germ watching girl. Cold and Flu season people! And yet everyone's going to drink from the same cup?? I'm sorry that I don't buy that blessed piece of cloth that they wipe the cup with kills flu germies. I did notice several people bypass the wine drinking. Either they are germ-careful like me or that's some yucky wine. Lulu's boyfriend was one of the non wine drinkers. He says it's yucky wine. He's also a lapsed catholic, and says he doesn't believe. So I asked why he took communion and he said "habit". I told him he was gonna get smote. Because if their version of God is true, then he knows when you're being a hypocrite and that is definitely a smiting offense!
Oh and there was this part where you were supposed to contemplate your own marriage and turn to your partner and ask forgiveness for things you might have done and rejoice in your bond. So I looked at hubby and told him I totally forgave him for being a poop this week. He said he didn't think that was what the priest meant and I may have gotten the intent wrong there. But whatever, he should've just taken the forgiveness. I thought it was pretty generous of me not even making him ask for forgiveness or anything. So now you know why me and church are a really bad combination. There's just no knowing where my mind is going to drift or if I'll forget and say things out loud.
Now for the reception...it was pretty uneventful. Until the end. We got there, found a table for ourselves and our friends. I sat on the side where I could see the door because I wanted to know when Jezebel entered. They started the food line and hubby decided to go look for the men's room. Lulu wasn't hungry so her bf and Sean and I headed to the line. As we're standing there who should walk in (not three feet from us!)...yep Jezebel and her boyfriend. (She got divorced shortly after I threatened to have a conversation with her husband if she didn't leave him and my son alone. Oh yeah, she's a piece of work. She was also hitting on Sean at the time. He was 14). Anyway, she now lives with a tattoo artist. But I did not shout "whore of Babylon" and point. I rolled my eyes instead and sighed loudly instead. I know that's way more mature. We got through the line and back to the table and omigod they were the best mashed potatoes I've ever eaten. Seriously. But then I saw someone's stuff sitting on our table and turned to Brandi and Laura.
Me: Please tell me that's not her stuff sitting on the table.
Brandi: As if! No way would we let her sit with us.
Me: well surely she wouldn't have the audacity...
Laura: I wouldn't put it past her. But no that's not her stuff.
Lulu: Do you honestly think I would have let her down this row of chairs? I don't want her anywhere near our men!
I saw Jezz and her bf come out of the food line and stand around looking for a place to sit. There wasn't anywhere. And for a minute I felt bad for her. But then it passed. Gradually through the night she worked her way closer to our table. And once when Lu and Luke were dancing she and her bf went to dance right in front of them, so that if we looked up to watch Lu, we'd have to see her. As the last of the dancing was wrapping up, Brandi's 3 year old went over and was sitting by Jezz, playing with her phone. I came off the dance floor and was standing with Brandi and her hubby. He was like "go get Mattie. We're totally going to have to wipe her down with antibacterial wipes now. Or get her shots." I added "yes, because I'm pretty sure Jezebel cooties are catching!" We laughed. Then it was over and time to leave. Hubby, Sean and I were walking to the door when I decided to hit the restroom one last time. I'd had some beer and it's a long drive home. When I came out they said they had to wait for Luke who'd also gone to use the restroom. That Lulu was outside already saying goodbye. I had her jacket so I took it out to her and we stood there talking for a few. Then Luke joined us and I asked where Hubby and Sean were. He said he didn't know they were waiting so they must still be inside. I walked back to the door and through the glass I could see them. Who do you think was standing close enough to touch them???! I said "oh no she didn't!!" and started for the door and Luke grabbed me around the middle and hoisted me to the parking lot. Lulu yelled that she'd get them. When Hubby came out I was primed for WWIII. He immediately said "I didn't talk to her, I swear" and Sean backed him up. About then Brandi and her hubby caught up to us. She says "I saw her moving in, I was trying to get there in time. I was like Matt, we have to go. We have to go now! We have to run interference!" So I settled down. So no fights, no arrests, no fun. I mean...I was very adult. Mostly. =]
And that, dear readers, is that. That's my blog and I'm sticking to it!
♥Spot
Showing posts with label weddings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weddings. Show all posts
Monday, November 16, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Why did they have to make 7 am so flippin early?
So here I am up at the ungodly hour of 7 A.M. Why? Why you ask. Why would you drag your oh so tired butt out of bed at that hour of the morning? The answer my friends is simple. I do it for you. I have a wedding to attend this afternoon and you know what that means? Oh yeah, a wedding reception tonight. And we all know how that goes around here. And if you're new to my blog and missed the last wedding I attended, you can read about it here. I don't know if this wedding will top that one, but I'm sure it's going to try. And I wanted to get my posting done before my day really started.
Which is why I am up at 7 am. This is the time my hubby gets up on weekends. So I shut off the alarm, grumble something about coffee and head for the bathroom. Finished there, I shuffle to the kitchen where coffee is brewing, but not done. And my hubby has just finished feeding the cats. The following conversation (if you can call it that) ensues...
Hubby: So someone missed a feeding and we're back to opening a can of cat food at night.
Me: hmphy;ljysdjf?
Hubby: I just want to remind you that Special Kitty cans don't go in the recycling. They get thrown away.
Me: the only can I put in recycling lately was a Friskies.
Hubby: You mean 9 Lives?
Me: No. Friskies.
Hubby: well it's Special Kitty that's in the cabinet now.
Me: *huffily opening the cabinet and pulling out a Friskies can* Friskies!!
Hubby: Well the one I pulled out today was Special Kitty.
Me: Yes, because I bought those in the 4-pack but they don't like the same food all the time so I intermixed some Friskies cans and are we done here?! *imagine my voice rising to a whine at the end*
Hubby: Just don't put the wrong cans in the recycling. (So apparently 9 Lives and Special Kitty cans are not made of aluminium but some kind of radioactive teflon coated kryptonite or something because this is the only reason I can come up with for him yelling at me about something so ridiculous this early in the morning)*
Me: I'm going to go write now before the voices force me to hurt you. *shuffles off to cave*
*In my hubby's defense, he probably wasn't yelling, but did I mention it was 7 freakin A.M. and that I am not a morning person? And he tried to make it up to me by bringing me coffee when it was done??
The Stephen King book is phenomenal. I stayed up way too late last night reading. I don't know how he creates so many well fleshed out characters. This must be where the index cards and post-its come in handy because half the time I have to page back through the novel I'm writing to remember what I named a character. Next time I write a novel, I think I might have to make a better system first. I'm up to over 14,000 words. Not where I need to be but I'll catch up. Lulu read it when she came home the other day and when she got done she was all "OMG. That's just creepy! Do you know what's going to happen? Because there seems to be a lot of foreshadowing." Of course I know what's going to happen. Kind of. I have a general idea when I sit down and then it just comes out. Like my brain thinks about it on autopilot all the time and I don't even realize it. And you have to foreshadow. It's my favorite writer tool thing. Anyway, I just wanted her to make sure it flows and apparently it does. Yay!
But back to Stephen King...I'm on page 185 and the death toll is rising. Muahahaha. It's a pretty interesting concept he's using. And I just wonder how he came up with it. I wonder if he ever wonders how other people come up with things? Like when 30 Days of Night came out. Was he all Vampires. In Alaska. Where it stays dark for 30 whole days. Genius!!! Because that's how I was.
Went to dinner with a group of friends and family last night. Then we went to see 2012. It was nonstop edge of your seat the entire time! And the special effects were ah-mazing! I really liked the movie. My friend Brandi said she hated it because she was so nervous through the whole thing. My friend Roxy had an even worse reaction. She really doesn't handle disaster movies well apparently. But my family loved it!
Okay, gotta go...but in the interest of foreshadowing...the wedding tonight? Let's just say that one of the women who will be there tried to get her hands on my man a couple of years ago. If she so much as looks in his direction...there may be trouble. And you'll get to hear all about it tomorrow. Who's got bail money?? Just kidding...I like my revenge way more subtle...
♥Spot
Which is why I am up at 7 am. This is the time my hubby gets up on weekends. So I shut off the alarm, grumble something about coffee and head for the bathroom. Finished there, I shuffle to the kitchen where coffee is brewing, but not done. And my hubby has just finished feeding the cats. The following conversation (if you can call it that) ensues...
Hubby: So someone missed a feeding and we're back to opening a can of cat food at night.
Me: hmphy;ljysdjf?
Hubby: I just want to remind you that Special Kitty cans don't go in the recycling. They get thrown away.
Me: the only can I put in recycling lately was a Friskies.
Hubby: You mean 9 Lives?
Me: No. Friskies.
Hubby: well it's Special Kitty that's in the cabinet now.
Me: *huffily opening the cabinet and pulling out a Friskies can* Friskies!!
Hubby: Well the one I pulled out today was Special Kitty.
Me: Yes, because I bought those in the 4-pack but they don't like the same food all the time so I intermixed some Friskies cans and are we done here?! *imagine my voice rising to a whine at the end*
Hubby: Just don't put the wrong cans in the recycling. (So apparently 9 Lives and Special Kitty cans are not made of aluminium but some kind of radioactive teflon coated kryptonite or something because this is the only reason I can come up with for him yelling at me about something so ridiculous this early in the morning)*
Me: I'm going to go write now before the voices force me to hurt you. *shuffles off to cave*
*In my hubby's defense, he probably wasn't yelling, but did I mention it was 7 freakin A.M. and that I am not a morning person? And he tried to make it up to me by bringing me coffee when it was done??
The Stephen King book is phenomenal. I stayed up way too late last night reading. I don't know how he creates so many well fleshed out characters. This must be where the index cards and post-its come in handy because half the time I have to page back through the novel I'm writing to remember what I named a character. Next time I write a novel, I think I might have to make a better system first. I'm up to over 14,000 words. Not where I need to be but I'll catch up. Lulu read it when she came home the other day and when she got done she was all "OMG. That's just creepy! Do you know what's going to happen? Because there seems to be a lot of foreshadowing." Of course I know what's going to happen. Kind of. I have a general idea when I sit down and then it just comes out. Like my brain thinks about it on autopilot all the time and I don't even realize it. And you have to foreshadow. It's my favorite writer tool thing. Anyway, I just wanted her to make sure it flows and apparently it does. Yay!
But back to Stephen King...I'm on page 185 and the death toll is rising. Muahahaha. It's a pretty interesting concept he's using. And I just wonder how he came up with it. I wonder if he ever wonders how other people come up with things? Like when 30 Days of Night came out. Was he all Vampires. In Alaska. Where it stays dark for 30 whole days. Genius!!! Because that's how I was.
Went to dinner with a group of friends and family last night. Then we went to see 2012. It was nonstop edge of your seat the entire time! And the special effects were ah-mazing! I really liked the movie. My friend Brandi said she hated it because she was so nervous through the whole thing. My friend Roxy had an even worse reaction. She really doesn't handle disaster movies well apparently. But my family loved it!
Okay, gotta go...but in the interest of foreshadowing...the wedding tonight? Let's just say that one of the women who will be there tried to get her hands on my man a couple of years ago. If she so much as looks in his direction...there may be trouble. And you'll get to hear all about it tomorrow. Who's got bail money?? Just kidding...I like my revenge way more subtle...
♥Spot
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Wedding of the Weekend?
So my sister-in-law got married this weekend. It's her second marriage and oddly enough...it's to my cousin. (NO! I do not live in Kentucky! Lol.) He's like a 2nd cousin, twice removed or something. I don't know, somewhere on my gma's side. All I know is we attend his family's funerals and they attend ours. Which should go under the heading "strange customs in small towns". And we've called ourselves "cousins" since they started dating like ten years ago and we realized we were semi-related. After attending the wedding...I'm definitely stressing the "semi".
So we arrive at the church, after picking up my son's girlfriend (brave lad that he is...introducing her to his dad's side of the family and all) and meet my daughter and her boyfriend in the parking lot. We file inside and do the meet and greet. They introduce their significant others to some family members and then my brother-in-law seats us. Well I'm way down the pew from my daughter, so I text her:
me: Did you notice how trailer park the groom's side is?
her: You're horrible! We're in a church.
me: Yeah, I'm gonna burn in hell. But did you notice?
her: Yes of course! Luke says stop discriminating.
me: I'm not discriminating! I'm poking fun. There's a big difference. I know I will totally be partying with these people later. But when did "greasy" become a hairstyle?
her:When Robert Pattison made it cool.
me: oh. damn. you're right. Btw, your father says he's pretty sure there must be a Motley Crue concert around here somewhere!
My daughter and I at the wedding:
At which point...we stopped because the wedding was beginning. So...the best man is called "four eyed joe". Why? Because he has eyeballs tattooed on the back of his head. And yeah, his hair was short enough that you could see them staring at the congregation. That and the ZZ Top beard are quite the combination! Another groomsman had a really long braid hanging down his back. One had a bandanna on his head. Now, lest you think I'm a prude or a snobby bitch, I'm not looking down on these folks. I've been known to spend an afternoon in the tattoo parlor myself, I'm just saying it was something to see. I guess the funniest part was the fact that four eyed joe kept leaning during the ceremony...farther and farther back. I mean at one point my hubby and I were convinced he was going to fall over backwards and take down the others like a stack of dominoes. I thought maybe he made the mistake of locking his knees and was feeling faint. That is, until he nearly ran into me after the ceremony while hollering "Super Joe is here to save the day!" I'm not even gonna speculate on what combo of liquor and street drugs he'd ingested but it was obviously something. Oh, and I probably forgot the tiny detail that "four eyed joe" just happens to be married to my husband's ex girlfriend. Hehehe. It just gets better and better, doesn't it?!
My son and his girlfriend. I swear he's not drunk! The flash gets him every time!
So after the requisite family photos, we head to a local restaurant, because my daughter insists that she's starving. Probably, because she hasn't eaten all day. Huge surprise. We chow down on some chicken nachos and I have a glass of wine. Dealing with my in-laws often drives me to drink. Then we checked out the house my hubby and son and one foster son are working on for a friend of mine. Nice little old house. Needs tons of work! Then it's time to hit the reception. Let the games begin. Find out we missed the cake cutting!! But we're just in time for the Bride & Groom's first dance. We get a table and I head to the bar for my first beer. (Let me intercede here and stress that while I like to drink, due to health issues, drinking excessively is a pretty rare occurrence for me. However, this night my husband offers to be the sober driver!!! I cannot pass up this rare opportunity!) Well everything goes well. The Mother/Son dance is a little sad because the groom's mom passed away suddenly last year. But his sisters come up to fill in. Well, two of the three (the other one's in jail). My daughter points out that the sister who just got out of rehab's dress is actually a shirt. They sell it at the store where she used to work. Now she can't understand why I insisted she didn't dress like a "hootchie" when obviously it was allowed.
My beautiful daughter and her boyfriend. Note: not a "hootchie" dress!
So let's just say I had a lot of beer. They actually asked me at the bar if my glass had a hole in it. Of course, this is the same guy who totally convinced me that the keg was running out and we were on beer rationing so he could only give me a 1/4 glass. (Did I mention my middle name is gullible?). My husband started pointing out I was flirting with the bar guy (nuh-uh, he was totally flirting with me). Which meant he could flirt with that guy's girlfriend, who happened to be one of the bridesmaids. A girl who'd grown up with his sisters and had totally had a huge crush on him. I ixnayed that idea pretty quickly. Anyway, we danced alot. We laughed a whole lot and generally had a great time. My husbands family does know how to party...I will give them that. At the end of the reception, my brother-in-law informed us that everyone was going "late-nighting" and we should come to. "Late-nighting"?? I'm too old for that! But we sent the kids home and headed to the club. Now, honestly I can't even remember the last time I went to a dance club. But there we were. Me, pretty drunk, my husband, pretty amused. He got me a beer and we went to the room where the dance floor was. His ex comes flying off the floor and grabs my hand. "Come dance with us! We can be friends, right?" I assured her that we could and preceded to um, well I guess you could call it dancing to some song I'd never even heard before. I'm with the bride, a bridesmaid, the ex, and one of the groomsmen's wives. So the groomsmen comes up behind his wife and just pulls her dress completely up. So us, and everyone in the bar is treated to a view of his wife's naked boobs and her thong. Me, I'm shocked. The others just laugh. Apparently this is standard party behavior for them. The HEll??! I go running to my hubby. "Did you see that??!" Him: "Why yes, I did!" So we go out to the beer garden, so everyone can smoke. Then my brother-in-law, who's managed to pick up two blondes who are making out with him, and each other, drags me in for a shot. Me & the bride do a shot. Of what? Yeah, no clue. I go back out to the beer garden to find my hubby and the groomsman's wife is on her hands and knees crawling around. Me "You ok?" Her "No! I lost an earring!" Her Husband "It's a diamond. I bought it for her." Well I spy it on the ground and pick it up. At which point...she throws her arms around me, tells me she loves me and kisses me. Ack!!! I don't mean a quick peck. She lays one on me all "I kissed a girl and I liked it". Her husband then repeats the process. Leaving me shell shocked and my husband (damn his hide) laughing. So soon we all decide to head to the bride and grooms house. I make sure they have a sober driver and the bride asks us to drive the ex and four eyed joe to their house. My husband comes out of the bar, carrying the ex. Literally. Because she can't stand up. I warn them both, theres no puking in my car! And frankly, I gotta admit, four eyed joe scares me. He's got crazy eyes. Like Charles Manson eyes.
We get to the house and I went inside with the bride to help get her outta that dress. And omigod there's like fifty knots in the string that undoes her laces!!! This takes my drunk ass quite awhile to undo!So we get her outta the dress and she throws on clothes. I walk into the kitchen and someone is rolling a joint. Well I'm really not into that (my daughter is the original "hugs not drugs" girl and she'd kill me) so I walk outside. Where my husband finds me and says they put the ex to bed and we need to go so that we can drop the bride and groom off at their hotel. Fine by me. I'm totally wearing down and ready to head home. I start saying goodbye to people when the groomsman and his wife come up to me, squish me between them and kiss me again. I'm pretty sure they were feeling me up too. What is with these people??? I politely disentangle myself and make it to the car. We drop them off at their hotel (and the funny thing here is neither the bride nor I realized she was barefoot. Nothing screams "class" like checking in drunk and barefoot.) At this point we headed home. On the half hour drive my husband confessed that as he was taking the ex out of our car and into the house she tried to hold his hand, hug him and otherwise shower him with affection. All the time asking why he picked me. Did he marry me just because I got pregnant? (Please note that we dated for a year, then were engaged for a year before I got pregnant. Obviously, this was not the only reason he married me). And why did I get the good guy. He says he assured her that he wasn't a good guy, mostly he was an asshole and she could check with me for confirmation. And that he married me because he loved me. He said he was worried the whole time that four eyed joe would overhear her and decide they needed to fight. Or that I would come around the corner, see her all over him, and get the wrong idea. I laughed. Like so hard I almost peed my pants. Normally, I'm a pretty jealous chick, but the look of absolute fear and revulsion on his face sent me in to hysterics instead. Poor guy. This is what you get for staying sober and taking care of people. I also couldn't possibly be jealous. I mean, I won, right? I'm not married to four eyed joe, who named their oldest child "Root". Yeah. For real!!
My hubby, who crazily enough, still only has eyes for me
All in all, it was an awesome night. It's the first time ever that we have gotten home after all of our teenagers, biological and foster. How outrageous. And thankfully we followed them by hours, because I seem to remember some drunken noisy sex too. The next day (after my hubby brought me Tylenol and juice) and after the room stopped spinning and my head stopped pounding, I crawled to the shower. When I emerged into the living room, my youngest commented that i was more plastered last night then the house their redoing for my friend. And that's a lot of plaster. Thanks kid. Love you too. He did add that at least I wasn't the kind of girl who got drunk and made an ass of herself. Thank goodness for small favors. My daughters boyfriend said I was hilarious. I was me, only more me. Definitely intense me. I think that was a compliment. All I know is...it takes longer and longer to recover from a night out then it used to. Which is why I only do this like once a year. But god help me...because we have another wedding (which promises more outrageousness) in November. I may not survive...
Hangovers & headaches,
♥Spot
So we arrive at the church, after picking up my son's girlfriend (brave lad that he is...introducing her to his dad's side of the family and all) and meet my daughter and her boyfriend in the parking lot. We file inside and do the meet and greet. They introduce their significant others to some family members and then my brother-in-law seats us. Well I'm way down the pew from my daughter, so I text her:
me: Did you notice how trailer park the groom's side is?
her: You're horrible! We're in a church.
me: Yeah, I'm gonna burn in hell. But did you notice?
her: Yes of course! Luke says stop discriminating.
me: I'm not discriminating! I'm poking fun. There's a big difference. I know I will totally be partying with these people later. But when did "greasy" become a hairstyle?
her:When Robert Pattison made it cool.
me: oh. damn. you're right. Btw, your father says he's pretty sure there must be a Motley Crue concert around here somewhere!
At which point...we stopped because the wedding was beginning. So...the best man is called "four eyed joe". Why? Because he has eyeballs tattooed on the back of his head. And yeah, his hair was short enough that you could see them staring at the congregation. That and the ZZ Top beard are quite the combination! Another groomsman had a really long braid hanging down his back. One had a bandanna on his head. Now, lest you think I'm a prude or a snobby bitch, I'm not looking down on these folks. I've been known to spend an afternoon in the tattoo parlor myself, I'm just saying it was something to see. I guess the funniest part was the fact that four eyed joe kept leaning during the ceremony...farther and farther back. I mean at one point my hubby and I were convinced he was going to fall over backwards and take down the others like a stack of dominoes. I thought maybe he made the mistake of locking his knees and was feeling faint. That is, until he nearly ran into me after the ceremony while hollering "Super Joe is here to save the day!" I'm not even gonna speculate on what combo of liquor and street drugs he'd ingested but it was obviously something. Oh, and I probably forgot the tiny detail that "four eyed joe" just happens to be married to my husband's ex girlfriend. Hehehe. It just gets better and better, doesn't it?!
So after the requisite family photos, we head to a local restaurant, because my daughter insists that she's starving. Probably, because she hasn't eaten all day. Huge surprise. We chow down on some chicken nachos and I have a glass of wine. Dealing with my in-laws often drives me to drink. Then we checked out the house my hubby and son and one foster son are working on for a friend of mine. Nice little old house. Needs tons of work! Then it's time to hit the reception. Let the games begin. Find out we missed the cake cutting!! But we're just in time for the Bride & Groom's first dance. We get a table and I head to the bar for my first beer. (Let me intercede here and stress that while I like to drink, due to health issues, drinking excessively is a pretty rare occurrence for me. However, this night my husband offers to be the sober driver!!! I cannot pass up this rare opportunity!) Well everything goes well. The Mother/Son dance is a little sad because the groom's mom passed away suddenly last year. But his sisters come up to fill in. Well, two of the three (the other one's in jail). My daughter points out that the sister who just got out of rehab's dress is actually a shirt. They sell it at the store where she used to work. Now she can't understand why I insisted she didn't dress like a "hootchie" when obviously it was allowed.
So let's just say I had a lot of beer. They actually asked me at the bar if my glass had a hole in it. Of course, this is the same guy who totally convinced me that the keg was running out and we were on beer rationing so he could only give me a 1/4 glass. (Did I mention my middle name is gullible?). My husband started pointing out I was flirting with the bar guy (nuh-uh, he was totally flirting with me). Which meant he could flirt with that guy's girlfriend, who happened to be one of the bridesmaids. A girl who'd grown up with his sisters and had totally had a huge crush on him. I ixnayed that idea pretty quickly. Anyway, we danced alot. We laughed a whole lot and generally had a great time. My husbands family does know how to party...I will give them that. At the end of the reception, my brother-in-law informed us that everyone was going "late-nighting" and we should come to. "Late-nighting"?? I'm too old for that! But we sent the kids home and headed to the club. Now, honestly I can't even remember the last time I went to a dance club. But there we were. Me, pretty drunk, my husband, pretty amused. He got me a beer and we went to the room where the dance floor was. His ex comes flying off the floor and grabs my hand. "Come dance with us! We can be friends, right?" I assured her that we could and preceded to um, well I guess you could call it dancing to some song I'd never even heard before. I'm with the bride, a bridesmaid, the ex, and one of the groomsmen's wives. So the groomsmen comes up behind his wife and just pulls her dress completely up. So us, and everyone in the bar is treated to a view of his wife's naked boobs and her thong. Me, I'm shocked. The others just laugh. Apparently this is standard party behavior for them. The HEll??! I go running to my hubby. "Did you see that??!" Him: "Why yes, I did!" So we go out to the beer garden, so everyone can smoke. Then my brother-in-law, who's managed to pick up two blondes who are making out with him, and each other, drags me in for a shot. Me & the bride do a shot. Of what? Yeah, no clue. I go back out to the beer garden to find my hubby and the groomsman's wife is on her hands and knees crawling around. Me "You ok?" Her "No! I lost an earring!" Her Husband "It's a diamond. I bought it for her." Well I spy it on the ground and pick it up. At which point...she throws her arms around me, tells me she loves me and kisses me. Ack!!! I don't mean a quick peck. She lays one on me all "I kissed a girl and I liked it". Her husband then repeats the process. Leaving me shell shocked and my husband (damn his hide) laughing. So soon we all decide to head to the bride and grooms house. I make sure they have a sober driver and the bride asks us to drive the ex and four eyed joe to their house. My husband comes out of the bar, carrying the ex. Literally. Because she can't stand up. I warn them both, theres no puking in my car! And frankly, I gotta admit, four eyed joe scares me. He's got crazy eyes. Like Charles Manson eyes.
We get to the house and I went inside with the bride to help get her outta that dress. And omigod there's like fifty knots in the string that undoes her laces!!! This takes my drunk ass quite awhile to undo!So we get her outta the dress and she throws on clothes. I walk into the kitchen and someone is rolling a joint. Well I'm really not into that (my daughter is the original "hugs not drugs" girl and she'd kill me) so I walk outside. Where my husband finds me and says they put the ex to bed and we need to go so that we can drop the bride and groom off at their hotel. Fine by me. I'm totally wearing down and ready to head home. I start saying goodbye to people when the groomsman and his wife come up to me, squish me between them and kiss me again. I'm pretty sure they were feeling me up too. What is with these people??? I politely disentangle myself and make it to the car. We drop them off at their hotel (and the funny thing here is neither the bride nor I realized she was barefoot. Nothing screams "class" like checking in drunk and barefoot.) At this point we headed home. On the half hour drive my husband confessed that as he was taking the ex out of our car and into the house she tried to hold his hand, hug him and otherwise shower him with affection. All the time asking why he picked me. Did he marry me just because I got pregnant? (Please note that we dated for a year, then were engaged for a year before I got pregnant. Obviously, this was not the only reason he married me). And why did I get the good guy. He says he assured her that he wasn't a good guy, mostly he was an asshole and she could check with me for confirmation. And that he married me because he loved me. He said he was worried the whole time that four eyed joe would overhear her and decide they needed to fight. Or that I would come around the corner, see her all over him, and get the wrong idea. I laughed. Like so hard I almost peed my pants. Normally, I'm a pretty jealous chick, but the look of absolute fear and revulsion on his face sent me in to hysterics instead. Poor guy. This is what you get for staying sober and taking care of people. I also couldn't possibly be jealous. I mean, I won, right? I'm not married to four eyed joe, who named their oldest child "Root". Yeah. For real!!
All in all, it was an awesome night. It's the first time ever that we have gotten home after all of our teenagers, biological and foster. How outrageous. And thankfully we followed them by hours, because I seem to remember some drunken noisy sex too. The next day (after my hubby brought me Tylenol and juice) and after the room stopped spinning and my head stopped pounding, I crawled to the shower. When I emerged into the living room, my youngest commented that i was more plastered last night then the house their redoing for my friend. And that's a lot of plaster. Thanks kid. Love you too. He did add that at least I wasn't the kind of girl who got drunk and made an ass of herself. Thank goodness for small favors. My daughters boyfriend said I was hilarious. I was me, only more me. Definitely intense me. I think that was a compliment. All I know is...it takes longer and longer to recover from a night out then it used to. Which is why I only do this like once a year. But god help me...because we have another wedding (which promises more outrageousness) in November. I may not survive...
Hangovers & headaches,
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