So we arrive at the church, after picking up my son's girlfriend (brave lad that he is...introducing her to his dad's side of the family and all) and meet my daughter and her boyfriend in the parking lot. We file inside and do the meet and greet. They introduce their significant others to some family members and then my brother-in-law seats us. Well I'm way down the pew from my daughter, so I text her:
me: Did you notice how trailer park the groom's side is?
her: You're horrible! We're in a church.
me: Yeah, I'm gonna burn in hell. But did you notice?
her: Yes of course! Luke says stop discriminating.
me: I'm not discriminating! I'm poking fun. There's a big difference. I know I will totally be partying with these people later. But when did "greasy" become a hairstyle?
her:When Robert Pattison made it cool.
me: oh. damn. you're right. Btw, your father says he's pretty sure there must be a Motley Crue concert around here somewhere!
At which point...we stopped because the wedding was beginning. So...the best man is called "four eyed joe". Why? Because he has eyeballs tattooed on the back of his head. And yeah, his hair was short enough that you could see them staring at the congregation. That and the ZZ Top beard are quite the combination! Another groomsman had a really long braid hanging down his back. One had a bandanna on his head. Now, lest you think I'm a prude or a snobby bitch, I'm not looking down on these folks. I've been known to spend an afternoon in the tattoo parlor myself, I'm just saying it was something to see. I guess the funniest part was the fact that four eyed joe kept leaning during the ceremony...farther and farther back. I mean at one point my hubby and I were convinced he was going to fall over backwards and take down the others like a stack of dominoes. I thought maybe he made the mistake of locking his knees and was feeling faint. That is, until he nearly ran into me after the ceremony while hollering "Super Joe is here to save the day!" I'm not even gonna speculate on what combo of liquor and street drugs he'd ingested but it was obviously something. Oh, and I probably forgot the tiny detail that "four eyed joe" just happens to be married to my husband's ex girlfriend. Hehehe. It just gets better and better, doesn't it?!
So after the requisite family photos, we head to a local restaurant, because my daughter insists that she's starving. Probably, because she hasn't eaten all day. Huge surprise. We chow down on some chicken nachos and I have a glass of wine. Dealing with my in-laws often drives me to drink. Then we checked out the house my hubby and son and one foster son are working on for a friend of mine. Nice little old house. Needs tons of work! Then it's time to hit the reception. Let the games begin. Find out we missed the cake cutting!! But we're just in time for the Bride & Groom's first dance. We get a table and I head to the bar for my first beer. (Let me intercede here and stress that while I like to drink, due to health issues, drinking excessively is a pretty rare occurrence for me. However, this night my husband offers to be the sober driver!!! I cannot pass up this rare opportunity!) Well everything goes well. The Mother/Son dance is a little sad because the groom's mom passed away suddenly last year. But his sisters come up to fill in. Well, two of the three (the other one's in jail). My daughter points out that the sister who just got out of rehab's dress is actually a shirt. They sell it at the store where she used to work. Now she can't understand why I insisted she didn't dress like a "hootchie" when obviously it was allowed.
So let's just say I had a lot of beer. They actually asked me at the bar if my glass had a hole in it. Of course, this is the same guy who totally convinced me that the keg was running out and we were on beer rationing so he could only give me a 1/4 glass. (Did I mention my middle name is gullible?). My husband started pointing out I was flirting with the bar guy (nuh-uh, he was totally flirting with me). Which meant he could flirt with that guy's girlfriend, who happened to be one of the bridesmaids. A girl who'd grown up with his sisters and had totally had a huge crush on him. I ixnayed that idea pretty quickly. Anyway, we danced alot. We laughed a whole lot and generally had a great time. My husbands family does know how to party...I will give them that. At the end of the reception, my brother-in-law informed us that everyone was going "late-nighting" and we should come to. "Late-nighting"?? I'm too old for that! But we sent the kids home and headed to the club. Now, honestly I can't even remember the last time I went to a dance club. But there we were. Me, pretty drunk, my husband, pretty amused. He got me a beer and we went to the room where the dance floor was. His ex comes flying off the floor and grabs my hand. "Come dance with us! We can be friends, right?" I assured her that we could and preceded to um, well I guess you could call it dancing to some song I'd never even heard before. I'm with the bride, a bridesmaid, the ex, and one of the groomsmen's wives. So the groomsmen comes up behind his wife and just pulls her dress completely up. So us, and everyone in the bar is treated to a view of his wife's naked boobs and her thong. Me, I'm shocked. The others just laugh. Apparently this is standard party behavior for them. The HEll??! I go running to my hubby. "Did you see that??!" Him: "Why yes, I did!" So we go out to the beer garden, so everyone can smoke. Then my brother-in-law, who's managed to pick up two blondes who are making out with him, and each other, drags me in for a shot. Me & the bride do a shot. Of what? Yeah, no clue. I go back out to the beer garden to find my hubby and the groomsman's wife is on her hands and knees crawling around. Me "You ok?" Her "No! I lost an earring!" Her Husband "It's a diamond. I bought it for her." Well I spy it on the ground and pick it up. At which point...she throws her arms around me, tells me she loves me and kisses me. Ack!!! I don't mean a quick peck. She lays one on me all "I kissed a girl and I liked it". Her husband then repeats the process. Leaving me shell shocked and my husband (damn his hide) laughing. So soon we all decide to head to the bride and grooms house. I make sure they have a sober driver and the bride asks us to drive the ex and four eyed joe to their house. My husband comes out of the bar, carrying the ex. Literally. Because she can't stand up. I warn them both, theres no puking in my car! And frankly, I gotta admit, four eyed joe scares me. He's got crazy eyes. Like Charles Manson eyes.
We get to the house and I went inside with the bride to help get her outta that dress. And omigod there's like fifty knots in the string that undoes her laces!!! This takes my drunk ass quite awhile to undo!So we get her outta the dress and she throws on clothes. I walk into the kitchen and someone is rolling a joint. Well I'm really not into that (my daughter is the original "hugs not drugs" girl and she'd kill me) so I walk outside. Where my husband finds me and says they put the ex to bed and we need to go so that we can drop the bride and groom off at their hotel. Fine by me. I'm totally wearing down and ready to head home. I start saying goodbye to people when the groomsman and his wife come up to me, squish me between them and kiss me again. I'm pretty sure they were feeling me up too. What is with these people??? I politely disentangle myself and make it to the car. We drop them off at their hotel (and the funny thing here is neither the bride nor I realized she was barefoot. Nothing screams "class" like checking in drunk and barefoot.) At this point we headed home. On the half hour drive my husband confessed that as he was taking the ex out of our car and into the house she tried to hold his hand, hug him and otherwise shower him with affection. All the time asking why he picked me. Did he marry me just because I got pregnant? (Please note that we dated for a year, then were engaged for a year before I got pregnant. Obviously, this was not the only reason he married me). And why did I get the good guy. He says he assured her that he wasn't a good guy, mostly he was an asshole and she could check with me for confirmation. And that he married me because he loved me. He said he was worried the whole time that four eyed joe would overhear her and decide they needed to fight. Or that I would come around the corner, see her all over him, and get the wrong idea. I laughed. Like so hard I almost peed my pants. Normally, I'm a pretty jealous chick, but the look of absolute fear and revulsion on his face sent me in to hysterics instead. Poor guy. This is what you get for staying sober and taking care of people. I also couldn't possibly be jealous. I mean, I won, right? I'm not married to four eyed joe, who named their oldest child "Root". Yeah. For real!!
All in all, it was an awesome night. It's the first time ever that we have gotten home after all of our teenagers, biological and foster. How outrageous. And thankfully we followed them by hours, because I seem to remember some drunken noisy sex too. The next day (after my hubby brought me Tylenol and juice) and after the room stopped spinning and my head stopped pounding, I crawled to the shower. When I emerged into the living room, my youngest commented that i was more plastered last night then the house their redoing for my friend. And that's a lot of plaster. Thanks kid. Love you too. He did add that at least I wasn't the kind of girl who got drunk and made an ass of herself. Thank goodness for small favors. My daughters boyfriend said I was hilarious. I was me, only more me. Definitely intense me. I think that was a compliment. All I know is...it takes longer and longer to recover from a night out then it used to. Which is why I only do this like once a year. But god help me...because we have another wedding (which promises more outrageousness) in November. I may not survive...
Hangovers & headaches,