Sunday, November 22, 2009

The nature of friendship...

So I have so many posts running around in my head that it's hard to choose just one to write today. I, unlike other bloggers who've said lately they don't have any inspiration, am never at a loss for what to blog. As I told Mindy the other soon as I open up that 'New Post' tab, it just comes spewing out like mind vomit. You'd think my mind would be anorexic or bulimic by now but it just keeps chugging along. I'm pretty sure it's the steady diet of blogs, supplemented here and there with SK books, and inappropriate conversations. But I've finally decided on today's post and it's probably going to be a long one so buckle up kids, grab a refreshing beverage (alcoholic or not, your choice, I mean it's 5'oclock somewhere, right?) and maybe get a snack too. Or you could just move on to the next blog (no, of course I didn't mean that! Sit your bootie back down! Don't touch that mouse! I spat on it!)

For awhile now, I've been thinking about the nature of friendship (okay, it might only have been since yesterday, but it was a long day). And several people have blogged about it lately too, and very well I might add. But friendship is so personalized for everyone. And it's such a give and take relationship. I think it's probably the one area I feel like I totally failed in as a mother. My children are not good "friends". I don't mean with each other, I mean with other people. I've always prided myself on being a good friend, and tried to model the behavior, but my kids not so much. And while some of it may be the raising, I think some of it is nature. My hubby knows a lot of people. He's friendly with a lot of people. And some he would call friend. But as for that soul deep feeling of friendship and the need to connect with someone outside the family, not so much. He is, save for us, a loner. He just doesn't feel that the need outweighs the effort. My children are the same way. They are both popular kids, they have tons of acquaintances, people they would call friends. People they hang out with. But they can go months without seeing these people or talking beyond a text here and there. My son turns down invitations on a regular basis. He could have a steady stream of girlfriends, but he doesn't feel the need to put in the effort to maintain those types of relationships. Sometimes I think it's my fault. That our family is too close and that by being my children's friend as well as their mom, I've hogged their friendship abilities. I hope it's not something I did, but one wonders.

As for me, I have always had friends. And many close friends. There is always someone I can call or text or email if I need support. Always there to support them as well. I don't feel like this takes away from my family, although many times they have expressed jealousy over my friends. It's hard to have friends when you're a young mom, always busy and sleep deprived, but luckily I had friends I could call when I got a spare minute and we were all raising young children. And I had a very close friend,L, who is also my husbands aunt, and we got together every evening to walk, children in strollers, we covered miles both physically and emotionally. We hit a rough patch about 5 years back and didn't speak for a year, but we made it through that our friendship is as strong as ever, even though we don't get to see each other often.

Then there's J, who I've known since high school! She's the one who knows where all the bodies are buried. All my closet skeletons. She lives 5 hours away, so we only see each other maybe once a year, but we talk on the phone and email. Without her, I probably would have gone crazy at some point in time. We've literally talked each other through every major event in our lives. I don't know what I would've done without her.

There's also my sister, Hildi to you all. We are 7 years apart so always at a different stage in our lives. I left home when she was 10 and she saw it in some ways as abandonment. It took a long time for us to get past that and get to the incredibly close bond we have now. She is always my first call when I'm upset. She has given me remarkably good advice about my daughter. While her girls are still young, she and my daughter are ridiculously similar and this enables her to give me insight into Lulu's head. And of course, I'm her total "everything cooking" resource. And we laugh about our hubbies.

I have a circle of good friends that live in town. My "best" friend and several others. I have old friends that I don't see nearly as often but the knowledge that we would still be there for each other is always there. I have some new friends that I'm quickly becoming very attached to. And they have the added benefit of having known my hubby before they knew me. It's interesting to hear the things they say about him.(Somedays I totally don't get it, but apparently he's quite the catch and I'm a lucky woman.) I just like friends. Don't get me wrong, some days I don't want to talk to anybody on the phone or get dressed and go to town or have company. But I do them anyway because that's what friends do. And if a friend calls, I will stop what I'm doing to chat because that's what friends do. They do the same for me.

I finally learned about 5 years ago (roughly the same time my daughter hit her "teens"), that a circle of girlfriends is invaluable. Because no matter how many guy friends you have, or how great your husband is, there are just some things they will never understand. But your girls will. And even if they don't, they will listen and they will support, and they will do whatever they can to help. And sometimes, just the listening is enough.

And now, I have my blog friends. It's funny because I sure didn't start this blog to make friends. That was probably the furthest thing from my mind. And yet, that's exactly what happened. I made good friends. And really close, really quick friends because I was busy baring my soul. I made friends with Kathryn, and we quickly progressed to emails and then texts and probably soon 4 hour phone chats. I made friends with Mark, and we're now friends on facebook. Which means he can now see all of the truly horrible pictures my daughter and sister seem to enjoy posting of me (skinny bitches). And even though I was afraid to write on his wall, because I figured his real live friends would be all "who's this chick. why does she thing she knows Mark??". Paranoid maybe, but that's how I roll. And I made friends with Danica, who better friend me on facebook and soon. And Heather, and Cynica, and management, and Mindy, and soooo many others that I now consider friends. I absolutely cannot wait each morning to hear (read) what you guys have to say. It's like you're my morning coffee club. And it never fails that at least one, if not all, put a smile on my face and a chuckle in my heart (good gosh that was sappy!!) and start my day off in a good mood. You also keep me writing. Something I don't always share with my non computer friends.

And then there's my family. My kids, my hubby, even my parents. Yes, we're family and they're the most frustrating people I know. But they are also my friends. I love hanging out with them. And I think that's important.

What is the moral of this story. I don't know, I got lost halfway through. I think it's just about how important friendships are and how important it is to maintain them. Have a friend, be a friend. It does a body good. Wait, that might be milk. does a soul good.


PS- I do have one friend I seem to have lost and miss dearly. But that's another post. With a poem...


  1. I have recently joined the bloggy world and am finding that I can't wait to read what my new friends say each day, too! what an added bonus...i had no idea this pen-pally thing would happen with blogs. As for your kids, I can kinda relate..I only have a small handful of good friends and I only see occasionally. I am closest to my family. I am a bit of a loner, but it's okay...for some of us just having a few close people we can count on is enough. (But you are def right that women need women friends!)

  2. This is lovely, Spot (I'd love to know your real name!) I'm in a sort of row with my best friend at the moment and I think now that we'll just have to let it go and get past it. Thank you. I'll befriend you on Facebook if you like, but I'm new and bad at it!

  3. i'm not your best friend, close friend, or in your group of girlfriends (although i'd fit right in, i'm sure) but i thank whatever-god everyday for my internet friends.
    sometimes, it's easier to just tell you guys something and have you all fawn and lift me up, as Real Life friends are sometimes too caught up in Real Life muckity.

    in lots of ways (you've hit on some here), my internet friends get a sharper perspective on what's going on in my life. and even though i can't always reply on every blog (my hands would bleed!) i do take the time to read them all and feel a bond with the blogger.
    blogs i follow have made me cry, have kept me awake, have caused me much empathetic pain. but they also thrill me with personal details of people i care about, make me laugh, make my day!, and make it all worthwhile.

    thank you for an awesome piece, spot!
    people you don't even know love you to pieces!

  4. Seepus Puck!! Look what that friggen Mark started.

    I was feeling birthday retrospective ... that's my excuse.

    I will friend you on FB ... I just don't spend a whole lotta time in there, is all.

    You already know what is in my heart, so I'll not regale you with another round :)


  5. I started my blog in an effort to exercise my writer's muscle. It has become so much more than I ever thought it would and the effect of my blog friends never ceases to amaze me.

  6. Aww...such a sweetie. But (sob, sob, sob) I wasn't mentioned by name. I mean come on I am practically a daughter in law (sort of). Ah but you know I love you. Glad a weekend without the guys has helped you feel better.

  7. It amazes me how well you can say all that. I have been sitting here mulling over what to say.

    My closest friends (real life) at this moment are..Hubby, 2 ex MIL's, my mom, J, and bestest of all B!

    Internet friends (the ones I can't wait to here from)..Spot, Kathryn, Our Destiny (from MS and FB), Maureen and a few more. I can't go a day without checking to see what yall have to say.

  8. Aw...I'm feeling all FAMOUS! Yes, we progressed quickly. That's just the way you roll when it feels right. I love it when you can practically hear this audible *CLICK!* when you hit it off with someone.

    I'm glad you have good friends in lots of're a very special person...that's why you make friends wherever you go!

    Honey, I wudn't worry about your kids not drowning in the whole social scene. My boys are the same as you described in this wonderfully-written post. I figure they've got their whole lives ahead to hook up with their friends. Is it such a bad thing that they like hanging out with fam? AND, I think it's important that they understand the diff between acquaintances and friends. A lot of ppl use the term "friend" too loosely....their neighbors, their dog groomer...geez!

  9. Great post, it truly captures the essence of friendship and all the intricacies of them.

    My 15yr old is the same way. She prefers hanging with me. She has a few close friends but doesn't spend a lot of time with them. She has 900 Facebook friends, yah, gee!

    She is a great kid though, so I am not too worried.

    I think you are very lucky to have so many dear friends and family. Makes me smile.

  10. Ahhh...I love this post! Ditto back, chick! =) As far as your kids go, they will settle into the support systems they need and you should NEVER feel any guilt about building such a valued relationship with them. I think friendships are so varied and personal but you hit the nail on the head as to how important they are! Thanks friend! =)

  11. Spot, I can't imagine someone not wanting to be friends with you. You have one of those magnetic personalities I think...or you're just really cool! You can totally write on my wall will likely come to me as a text on the phone so I may not reply for like...days! I'm hardly ever on FB but I plan to be more regular soon. (on FB, not pooping-wise) Uh Oh there's me and the bodily functions again, sorry. I'm glad to have "met" you on here. I think there will be many laughs ahead. I certainly hope so! Have an awesome day FRIEND!!
    P.S. Danica, I totally didn't start this! (looking around for someone else to blame) LOL

  12. DfG~ It's strange how quick it happens but you definitely got it right- it is an added bonus! I know, not everyone has this gigantic need to be

    Tina~ I would love for you to friend me, although I don't really do much on facebook either. And I'm sorry about the fight with your friend, those suck.

    GP~ thanks! I wish you lived near me because I'm pretty sure we'd have a blast. It's true, the internet is a whole different world. And yes, I thank the powers that be, daily for you guys.

    Dani~ Haha. You are now my fb friend as well...I'm gathering my minions...Lol. I always get retrospective around this time of year, holidays, my birthday, all that jazz.

    Eyvi~ thanks for reading and commenting. I know, right?! Definately not the intent and yet I wouldn't change it for anything.

    Roxy~ um you were "best friend". That's not good enough?? And you were that before the whole dil thing so I'm sticking with that!

    Heather~ I know, we are a tight community, without all those neighbor property disputes, dog poop, and loud music. Lol. Way better!

    K~ *CLICK* it! Thanks for the kind words. Oh, Lulu drowned herself in the whole social scene, she just never really had close close friends. I was the one she came home and shared all those heart stopping moments you have as a teen with. And she has made alot of friends in her new town as well. Sean, on the other hand, could care less. Lol.

    Angelia~ Your daughter's beautiful. I saw her on the "mall laugh" video you put up. Thanks for the kind words!

    Mindy~ you're welcome friend! =] I don't think you can ever have too many! Thanks for the "no guilt" message!

    Mark~ I definitely think you should plan on being more regular in the "pooping" sense too, because that's healthy. But maybe just not tell me, mmmk? Thanks for the awesome things you said about me. And you can tell Danica I started it.

    Thank you all. I ♥ My Blogbuds!

  13. Lovely post. I miss my friends. The friends I had for ages. The ones that are now all friends with my manipulative sister in law. Yeah, those friends. I miss them. I pretend not to. But I do.

  14. Amy~ Why on earth would anyone be friends with her??? I read the post, she sounds heinous. And what kind of friends desert you?? Stick with us in blogville, we're good people.