Sunday, January 10, 2010

I'm just a blogger...

So let's just be up front honest and truthful took me a long time and alot of therapy to learn not to base my self worth on the opinion of others. That they're approval didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. That I was the only one I was responsible too and that likeing myself was far more productive than wanting everyone else to like me. I was a serious "people pleaser". I stopped blaming my parents for my woefully inadequate sense of self esteem because well, they're just human and parents do the best they can at the time. So in conclusion, I do not blame my parents for the low self esteem I once had, my intense need to be liked, or anything else. But they also don't get the credit for the amazing self confidence, my comfort in my own skin, or my "I could care less what you think" attitude. I worked hard for those and they are all mine. And with any luck, I fostered those same qualities in my children. However, in Sean's case I may have "overdid".

So bearing all of that in mind...we begin our story...

The other day I received an email from Kathryn asking if I'd checked on my Kindle subscriptions lately. She said that I was ranked higher than she was (how this happened, neither of us can figure out because she has a gazillion followers) so I must have some subscriptions. Well, I really hadn't expected much to come out of the Kindle subscriptions so I hadn't checked in well, like, ever. In fact it had been so long I totally forgot my password. So once I went through the total hullabaloo of changing my password, ect., I logged on and wow! I did have Kindle subscriptions! People were ordering my blog!!! I did the happiest of happy dances (which is also probably the most goofy of happy dances) and happily replied back to Kathryn, that yes, I did indeed have subscriptions. And then I sat in happy, yet stunned silence. As there was no one else home at the time, I cradled my pride quietly in my arms and grinned like an absolute idiot. Someone thought enough of my writing to pay (okay, so it's not much, but any amount is more than free) to view my ramblings. To me, that says "paid writer" all over it. And you cannot (well, maybe you other aspiring writers can) imagine how encouraging this turn of events is, nor how inspiring. Thank you to all of my readers, but thank you thank you thank you to the nameless faceless masses who subscribe via Kindle. Okay, there's not really enough subscribers to be called "masses" but it's called poetic license. Work with me here people. And the best part...I don't even know anyone (besides Mark) who has a Kindle so it can't be like, you know, just my friends and family!

So here's happy little me, dancing around my kitchen as I prepare supper. The guys come in from hunting and I announce "Y'all ought to avoid the rush and start worshipping me now. You know, before I get famous". (This was also my FaceBook status of the day.) They of course just kind of chuckle because they are used to me being a drama queen. But then I explain, and they are appropriately awed and encouraging. I tell Lu later that night and she too is ecstatic for me. My friend J? Also Encouraging. So the next day I call my folks to check in with them. And I casually drop my big news into the conversation with my Dad. And I say "so now, I'm officially a paid writer". And he says "No you're not. You're just a paid Blogger." Um. The hell?! There's a difference?? He proceeds with "you don't think you're like Stephen King or anything, right?". Um. NO. DUH. He's Stephen freakin King. But how is writing my blog for readers and subscribers different from an essayist in a magazine? I write, I edit, I spend a frankly astonishing amount of time and thought on my blog. And he says "well, when you're published in a magazine, let me know." AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! I wanted to bang my head on my desk. It just brought rushing back all of the "it's never quite good enough" feelings of inadequacy. Like when I'd bring home a report card filled with A's and one lone B and I'd hear "what happened here?" instead of "Oh my're a genius". But then I breathed in deeply through my nose ten times and changed the subject. Then I called my sister. When I told her, she was almost as excited as I had been. I told her Dad's reaction. She said he was kidding. I said, no he was in fact quite serious. She said well maybe he didn't have a firm grasp on blogging. That he & mom had only ever read our joint blog and it wasn't the same. That was just like letters to each other while this blog was more "professional". (Frankly, I have no idea what she means but I'll roll with it.) When I hung up I went to fix supper (man, do I ever do anything else??) and hubby came in and asked why I seemed angry. So I told him. And he laughed. And then I laughed. Because you know what? It makes no difference. I know what I do and it's good enough for me. And nobody is stealing my sense of validation. Nobody. And someday, when I am published by my father's standards, I'll think "in your face buddy", but of course I won't say it, because I'm completely sure that it won't quite be good enough.



  1. I didn't know about the kindle thing. Parents are just pre-programmed to annoy.

    Well done, you damn fine writer you!

  2. oh man you can't let anyone steal your glorious thunder!

    this is totally awesome and it does make you a paid writer.

    (found you via the thirty something blogger thingy :)

  3. Well, I, for one, am extremely proud of you! I mean, people are paying to read your thoughts. Me? I'm just short of paying everyone to read mine! Buck up, camper. You're living the dream. =)

  4. I never had any doubt Spot! Keep up the great work!!!

  5. I think that is a father's (old school) way of trying to encourage us to achieve higher, but all it relly does is piss us off!


  6. Sweetie, your dad has no idea what he's talking about! Oh. My. God. People who don't write sometimes have no idea how difficult it is to write!

    I'm SO happy and proud of you! I mean...think about how many (big name) writers got their starts doing small pieces of work! And many were rejected like crazy in the beginning!

    GOOD FOR YOU for seeing yourself (and your talent) for what it really is...and not thru your father's skewed vision!

    YOU GO!

  7. Congratulations!! That is really terrific. I think you just have to excuse your dad on this one, because I'm sure he doesn't get what blogging really is. I've got a few of those in my family, too... You are a writer and you are getting a frickin paycheck to prove it -- waaa hoo!!

  8. If you write, then you're a writer. If people pay for your product, then you're a pro. And, if anyone complains, then you're a controversial writer and really have it made.

    Enjoy the success and the controversy.

  9. Wow. You're, like, famous and stuff! Congrats, Spot! You deserve it, you are awesome. And never mind your parents, mine don't get it either. It's their age.

  10. ... and I knew her when she was "just a blogger" ... I'll say at all the fancy book signings ... and you'll credit me in the acknowledgements for the idea (and all the potty mouthed passages and raginess) for your murder mystery that centres around a narssisistic boss's unexplained disappearance ...

    You've ALWAYS bin famous to me, Spot.


  11. And this is why you don't share with the parents.

  12. Congrats. Here's a pat on the back from me. BTW, your dad sounds like mine, I went through the same thing every time I brought home a B instead of an A. Although, he's much better now, but still expects more. I asked him some info for something I was writing, so he now is suddenly assuming (even tho I told him otherwise) that I am writing a book...sorry to be a disappointment, but....

  13. Tina~ coming from a talented writer like yourself, that's a pretty big compliment. See you on the bookshelves baby!

    Sas~ I'm glad you found me, I really enjoyed your blog as well! And thank you for the compliment. =]

    Mindy~ you don't have to pay me to read your blog, I truly enjoy it. Thank you so much for your continued reading and encouragement.

    Mark~ It's so great to see (read) you again! Thank you for taking time to stop by and encourage.

    Heather~ that is a good way to look at it. I shall give him the benefit of the doubt and go with it! Thanks!

    Kathryn- thank you for your continual support, encouragement, and the occasional kick in the pants. This would not have happened without you.

    DfG~ thank you!! I believe "woo hoo" were some of my first thoughts about it too! And yes, I love the people who look at you and say "why do you blog?" Because I can??

    Straight Guy~ Nice to hear from you again! And thank you. That's probably my favorite comment ever. I think I'm going to write it on a post it note for my computer. ;]

    Eyvi~ thank you. Yeah, definitely not getting it. Oh well.

    Danica~ you have been my biggest supporter from the start. Thank you a million gazillion times. And if I ever have a book signing and you're there...we are so painting the town afterwards! Because I truly owe you at least a drink (or two or three)!

    Carolyn~ and now you tell me??! Lesson learned. Lol.

    Suzicate~ I guess their high expectations give us something to shoot for. Thanks for the pat!


  14. CONGRATULATIONS!!! I totally know the feeling. Since i've been born i;ve been trying to make my parents say "good job" "i;m so proud of you". Little by little they're getting it. But their initial reaction is always not good enough. I had asked my dad about it when i was in high school and he sed that he never said anything or seemed surprised about my accomplishments because he always knew i'd accomplish everything i set out to. That was the best compliment from him i;ve ever gotten and i'll never forget it.
    As a forever optimist, maybe your parents feel the same. Hopefully they do. But like you sed you know it's big news and a huge achievement. So, GOOD FOR YOU!