Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Honey, whatever you do, don't get old...

Why do old people say this? Really? My grandpa used to say this all the time. And I always think what's the alternative? Death? Hmmm...I think I'm going to go with the getting old. Because no matter how bad it sucks it's got to be better then dying. Or sometimes, I just want to shout "WHAT??! I had the choice to stay young and not age?? WTF? Why didn't I get the memo?! Did you get the memo. Flip! Did anyone get the memo?!" Or really, if getting old sucks that badly, that death is preferable, can you tell me what age it started sucking at? You know, so I can plan my demise. I mean like was it 50? 65? 39? Wait...I am 39! No! I don't want to die! I want to get old!!! If only so I can say "don't get old" to my kids and grandkids and totally confuse them too.

Of course, as we were reminiscing today, this is the same man who used to order a BLT but he didn't want any L and could he have the T on the side? So basically he wanted a bacon sandwich with sliced tomato on the side. But he never said it that way.

And every time we went to Village Inn, he'd lean over and ask my dad if they had Bud Light there. And every time my dad would explain that they didn't serve alcohol at Village Inn. Mostly because pancakes and beer would be totally gross, I'm sure.

And one time we went to this really fancy restaurant and grandpa broke the toilet in the men's room and water started leaking out onto the carpet in the hall and my dad made us hurry up and leave. And as he was paying the bill, the bartender was totally bitching about how it was a Sunday and they had to call the plumber and pay him double time and the carpet would probably be ruined, while we all stood around trying to look innocent and I had my hand over Sean's mouth because he was 4 and couldn't be trusted not to blurt out that it was grandpa. I don't know how innocent you can look when you have your hand over a kids mouth but I tried.

And how he could make the best gravy ever, even though he was shitfaced and paying no attention to it. The man was talented that way.

And how he called me his angel, even though my husband says I'm nobody's idea of an angel and he's pretty sure that angels do not run to the gas station to buy beer and cigarettes for old people. Even though they're in a wheelchair. But I did.

And how the doctors told him he had 5 different kinds of cancer and 6 months to live and he refused treatment, told everyone the doctors were wrong and he didn't have cancer, took a Bayer aspirin everyday, ate bacon and tomato sandwiches every morning, drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney and lived another 3 years. And in the end, it wasn't even the cancer that killed him.

He used to frustrate me to no end, act like an ass every time I took him to the doctor, and drunk dial me at least once a day but I miss his crazy ass anyway. So cheers grandpa. Wherever you ended up, I hope to hell they serve bud light and bacon sandwiches.



  1. Hi, new to your page. I was laughing so hard my hubby woke up! It was as if you were talking about my grandpa, bless their old souls. Lets hope they have Bud Light, Brandy and a warehouse of smokes!

    Great blog! I'm still smiling!

  2. What a great tribute.

    Your grandpa probably did some remarkable things, but in the end, it is the day-to-day stuff we really miss.

    Btw, loved that you'd get him beer & cigarettes @ the gas station.

  3. Spot, I was gonna say something funny about beer and pancakes but instead I got a little misty thinking about a girl and her grandpa. This may be my favorite blog of the day. I prolly wont blog today cause I'm a little blue. Reading this really helped my morning. Thanks!

  4. Wad a nid pode ... posd ... ting you wrode ...

    GD socks did NOT work!!! Drat!!

    The only grandparents I ever got to meet were my two grandad's. My Mom's dad died when I was seven, but he was seriously cool - and a severe alcoholic. My father's dad was a walking encyclopedia (you remember the books we used to have to go and LOOK SHIT UP IN???)

    Not overly congenial, but cool in his own right. He died when I was 18 ... so however long they were yours - you were lucky.

    Beautiful tribute.

  5. Heather~ thanks! And welcome to my blog. I'm glad I made you giggle. And yes, let's hope they have smokes too. =]

    Little Miss~ Um. Nope. Unfortunately not a of remarkable things. He was pretty much an alcoholic from the get go. But charming as could be. Nobody was ever a stranger, he made friends wherever he went. And I loved him anyway. What? Where do you buy your cigarettes & beer??!

    Mark~ I'm sorry you're blue. Maybe blogging that out would help? Thanks for the compliment. Hope you feel better.

    Danica~ poor girl! I'm under the weather today as well so I totally sympathize. I did tell you the socks wouldn't work, tho! I had four wonderfully flawed imperfect grandparents. Unfortunately, I'm down to the one grandma now. And things aren't looking so good for her right now. But I have loved each and everyone of them and have wonderful memories.


  6. Spot I guess it worked I feel better now! Yea

  7. Awwww. I miss my Grandpa too! He always smelled of beer and cigarettes, as well. I was his favorite. Then again, I'm everyone's favorite.

    At least, that's what they tell me.
    Great post!

  8. Loved it Spot! Your grandpa sounds like he was one cool (drunk) dude. I'm sure a lot of us had one of those in our lives and your tribute made me smile! Thanks!