Saturday, April 24, 2010

The one where I look young and Sean *nearly* starts a zombie apocalypse

Mmmmkkkkay....just to clear up a few things...Lu was NOT serious about being pregnant. That was a total joke and I'm not worried about it because as she said the other day..."I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life. I don't mean with you Mom. I like being with you. I just meant HERE. In this tiny little area." I so know what she means. Wish I'd considered that before getting pregnant a month out of my teens. And the threat of running to Vegas to get married? Well that was real. Until I pointed out that if they got married, neither of them would have health insurance. Because you can't be on your parents when you're married. Duh. That put the ixnay on that. Lu can be a very practical girl and when you have a blood disorder, health insurance is a priority. Sorry to intrude on their romance with my dose of reality. And for those of you who thought I remained very calm during the conversation...of course. Not poetic license, I really was that calm. Don't you read my blog?! That kind of crazy happens on a daily basis. I can't endanger my health by getting all worked up. Now on to today's daily dose of insanity...

Yesterday started with a hitch...Sean's eye. He started complaining that his eye was hurting Wednesday night. Something along the lines of "I can't feed the cats, I have a brain tumor". He says it felt like when you get punched in the eye, all bruised in the socket and the lid and the eye. It looked fine to me. Not swollen, not bloodshot, no apparent problem. So I told him to suck it up and take some Ibuprofen. And that it was not a brain tumor. Well it was still hurting Thursday night and the Ibuprofen wasn't helping. And yesterday morning the eyelid was beginning to swell. And he was about to leave on a huge weekend camp out. So yesterday morning I got up and called our NP. She decided to have him come in so she could look at it. The phone call with me and the nurse~

Nurse: Well I have some openings this afternoon.

Me: Um. I have to have him back here early, he's going on a big camp-out.

Nurse: How about a 2:15?

Me: I have an appointment with the orthopedic doctor at 2.

Nurse: Can you be here in 15 minutes?

Me: We live half an hour away.

Nurse: Um...

Me: I hate being a pain in the ass...

Nurse: *laughing hysterically* let me check with the doctor...

Me: Okay. Great!

Nurse: Can you be here in an hour?

Me: Sweet!

Of course this meant that I showered, got ready, stopped for gas and drove like a maniac to make it there in an hour. We were only 10 minutes late. I blame Sean for borrowing the car and bringing it back on "E". Seriously, we were sweating it the 10 minutes to the nearest gas station, the little orange gas pump light was on when I started the car!! But we made it and she did a thorough exam and then set him up an afternoon appointment with the Opthamologist, because she couldn't figure it out. Awesome. Now we have 2 hours to kill between appointments and his is at 1:10, so I might be late to mine. We did what anyone would do in that situation. We ate lunch. We went to our favorite Mexican restaurant. The one I always (seriously, always) have a coupon for. We had a fantastic lunch of chicken quesadillas, rice & beans, and huge fountain cokes. Then we went to check out~

Cashier (One of the family that owns the place, maybe about 10 years older than me. Always very friendly. We talked about how "Dora" was teaching American children Spanish and Spanish children English last time I was here. Don't ask. I always talk to stranger.) *to Sean* you have beautiful blue eyes!

Sean: *doing that guy thing where they duck their heads and mumble* thanks.

Me:'re so pretty Sean!

Cashier: Is he your brother?

Me: *laughing* No. He's my son. But thank you. You can be my best friend now.

Cashier: Oh my! Then you must have had him when you were a baby!

Me: Actually he's my youngest.

Sean: She's older than she looks.

Me: *punching him in the arm* Thanks brat.

Cashier: But your mom is so pretty. That must be where you get it from.

Me: Yeah Sean. You better remember that.

At this point I had to use the restroom and since I couldn't locate my keys in the huge bag I call a purse, Sean had to wait in the restaurant for me. When I came out, she had him cornered. He looked distinctly uncomfortable so I rescued him. As we walked out the door, I told him "episodes like that my dear, are why I color my hair!".

Then on the way to the drugstore to drop off some refills and grab up the last 3 bags of leftover Starburst Jelly Beans from Easter, Sean and I had this convo~

Sean: I have stuff to do at home. I did not want to be in town all day.

Me: Um. Ditto. It's not my fault your being a medical mystery.

Sean: It's not a mystery. I have an eye tumor.

Me: You do not have an eye tumor. *but secretly wondering what the hell is wrong with his eye*

Sean: That's what they always say. You're going to feel awful when I do.

Me: Whatever. Hey...maybe you could be on Mystery Diagnosis! (One of our favorite Discovery Health shows).

Sean: *saying it at the same time as me* Mystery Diagnosis! *then we fist bump, because we are so totally cool and in-sync*

Sean: But I don't want to be on there, because they take like years to figure out what's wrong with people. I want it fixed now. I'm going to ask them to test for "yo- antibodies". Then they'll know it's cancer. You know I was thinking...if "yo-antibodies" fight cancer, why can't they harvest those from one person and inject them in another?

Me: I think you might have just come up with a cure for cancer. Or maybe found a way to start the zombie apocalypse. Either way, I say "GENIUS"!

Sean: Well, then you have to get rid of the "yo-antibodies" so it's kind of like curing measles with pneumonia.

Me: That might be a little drastic.

On that note we decided to go to the library because we had an afternoon of doctor's office waiting ahead of us. I got The Birthing House by Christopher Ransom. I'd been going to buy it off Amazon, but free is so much better. Sean got Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Slayer. Don't ask okay? On the way there, this conversation ensued~

Sean: Did you just say "that stripper is off her pole"?

Me: Why would I say that? What does that even mean?

Sean: I don't know. You're the one who said it.

Me: I did not say that. I was talking about my mom.

Sean: Your Mom is off her pole.

Me: *shaking my head in utter defeat*. Maybe that could be a new phrase for crazy. Man, that stripper is off her pole!

Sean: Perfect! I'm going to call Lu and scream that into the phone and hang up.

Me: She hates it when you do that!

Sean: I know. That's why I'm going to use your phone.

Me: Hey! Give that back! She'll know it's you anyway.

So that is our new phrase "That stripper is off her pole!". I think it's catchy. Please feel free to use it in your daily conversations. I think it will totally catch on. Lu thinks we should stop inventing our own sayings. I think secretly she's just jealous.

Well, there are more conversations, parenting advice and why I should probably write a book on parenting coming. But that's enough for today. Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. Does Sean have an eye tumor? Was Abe Lincoln a Vampire Slayer? What the hell is a Birthing House anyway?

Happy weekend! If you're bored, you should probably color your hair (it's like a magic fountain of youth). Or figure out how to work your new favorite saying ("that stripper is off her pole!" (you're welcome)) into conversation.



  1. Oh girl, I cracked up. Love the stripper is off her pole! Can't wait to tell hubby that one. He's a Key West Cuban, and constantly laughing at my redneck phrases. LOL


    I love you.

  3. I am SO going to have to use soon as I can work it into a conversation! Man, that stripper is off her pole!

    You guys rock!

  4. Omg!! I hope it's not an eye tumor!! And this was hilarious!! That stripper is off her pole!! LMAO!! I am soooo gonna use that!!

  5. Stripper off the pole could totally replace OFF THE HOOK!


    Lol. You guys are a riot.

  6. I do like that, that stripper is off her pole. Maybe you can write like a Ben Franklin almanac of sayings for today's world. your new saying may have to be the title....and btw, what is the deal with sean's eye?!? i can't believe you left us hanging !

  7. That Stripper Is Off Her Pole---I'll have to remember that one LOL

  8. Spot (and Sean and Lu) you make my day!

  9. I tried it out at a bar last night - very well received. "Spot on" some might even say. Fist bump Sean for me!

  10. You simply never fail to crack me up ...

    I'm totally using that sayng ... likely on Bambi next week.


    Always a pleasure!

  11. Dee~ thank you! Glad we made you laugh. It's catchy, no?

    UnA~ right back atcha dear!

    Peg~ thanks!

    Terry~ it is not an eye tumor. Glad you got a giggle.

    Angelia~ hmmm. Never thought of that! LOL. Thanks!

    DfG~ I think those sayings are supposed to teach you something though. Our's just entertain. No, it's not an eye tumor.

    Jimmy~ please do. =]

    Brite~ we aim to please. Actually, we're just slightly insane. But I'm glad we amuse people!

    Elly~ Fist bump delivered. Way to spread the word!

    Danica~ I'm glad you got a laugh. Hehehe. Think Bambi will get it??


  12. Spot, you make my day almost every day (except those days you don't post :P)
    I can't wait for Sean to take over Slovakia. As second in command/mafia boss I'll be able to hear this stuff in person more :D

  13. That stripper is off her pole.

    Love it.

  14. Lol....Is it fun having a daughter who is more mature than you, Spot? :)

    Don't change. I love convos between you and Sean....

  15. I would post that quote on FB, but then everyone will want to know who the stripper is so they can look her up! First words out of my SIL's mouth to me "Wow, look at all that grey in your hair!"...Yes, I am due to color my hair (like two months ago!)

  16. You are such a tease! Making us wait till tomorrow for the results! Meanie! LOL!

    Love the stripper phrase, just can't think of when I might get to use it.

    You two are hilarious!

  17. No. 1 Sorry for the poetic license crack. You are very calm.
    No. 2. I know I'm nuts lately, but how did I miss this one??!
    No. 3. You are just the absolute best at this stuff, Sean is seriously cute and you are plainly too young to be his mother.
    It's not gushing if it's true.

  18. Oh, God....too funny! What if I say that YOU are "off your pole"? Does it still apply?

    WTH did you say that Sean got it SO WRONG? About your MOTHER?