Saturday, December 5, 2009

So we interupt this program...

I'm interrupting the scheduled installment of "The Disco Chronicles" because today sucks so bad so far, with no promise of any redemption. I was awakened early this morning by my very noisy hubby and cats in my face. Why is it that when I'm sleeping they think it's an appropriate time to rub their furry little purring bodies in my face? (the cats, not the hubby)But I laid there for another half hour anyway. Then when I got up, I discovered that Bobby had missed his driving class (required by the courts because of his last speeding ticket) for the second time. Hubby had been called away by the deer hunters to help them with some deer so most probably he and Sean would be late for the meeting they had in town. I was supposed to have a peacefully, empty, quiet house today to work on some xmas projects. Foiled. Then I remembered that I had forgotten to take the meat and cheese out of the freezer to defrost for making the sausage cheese balls to take to tonight's Christmas Party from Hell. Oh joyful day. And then the absolute kicker...I retire to the family room with my tea, fire up my computer, and the little grey letters on the black screen inform me that the fan has failed and using the computer without fixing it would be detrimental. WTF??! How did this happen?? It was fine when I shut it off last night. I nearly teared up. My NOVEL is on the computer. (No, I wasn't bright enough to back it up.) I run to the living room to tell Sean who informs me he'll look at it when he gets back, but he has to leave in nine minutes. But, but, but...

Well, who knew that getting mad and kicking said computer would cause the fan to start working again?? I'd like to say I did...but really I was just pissed.'s working for now so I figured I'd take advantage. So let me just explain about the Christmas Party from Hell...

My husbands old boss retired this year. He was not the greatest boss ever, he had his faults, but he was pretty good. And he and his wife were really good people. Christmas parties were loads of fun. If it had been a good year for the council we were taken to dinner at a really nice restaurant and then to a community theatre production. We have to alternate towns where the party is held because one of the council offices is in Quincy and one is in Burlington. There's roughly a two hour drive between them. So some years the party is near Quincy, some years Keokuk (the half way point), and some years Burlington. If there's driving to be done, lots of times there was a passenger van rented so we could carpool. If it was a lean year for the council (remember not-for-profit organization), the boss and his wife would have the party at their home. They would have a catered meal, nothing fancy, usually from one of the grocery store delis, and we would all bring wine and dessert. While I didn't necessarily look forward to the xmas party every year, they were tolerable, and some were actually fun.

The new boss rubs me the wrong way. Quite frankly, I think he's an asshat. I have since the first time I was introduced when he came here for his interview. The spidey senses went off right away and I've learned to trust them about people. They interviewed several candidates for the job and he was the one they hired. My hubby even got to voice his opinion and let me just say, he ignored the spidey senses. I was re-introduced to the boss a couple of months later after he took the job. Same spidey senses. I have studiously avoided him ever since. He's made a lot of changes, some ultimately for the good, some horribly bad. He micromanages. He likes people who kiss his ass. My husband says he can't really tell but he thinks they are on good footing even though he's not an ass kisser. He's just very good at his job. And very good at defusing potentially bad situations. Sean met the boss for maybe the third time the other day. Sean's first words to me after this "he gives off a really bad vibe". Apparently Sean is developing spidey senses too.

Tonight is the annual Christmas Party. It is going to blow chunks. Let me explain by way of the conversation my hubby and I had roughly 3 weeks ago~

Hubby~ we need to RSVP for the xmas party.

Me~ Ok. Where's it at?

Hubby~ the winter cabin. (this is one of the cabins on the property. It's basically just a big room, with a tiny kitchenette, and tiny dining area. No furniture save a dining table and benches. no bathroom.)

Me~ WTF? (also, since it's on the camp property, there's no alcohol allowed.)

hubby~ apparently there's no money in the budget so they're holding it here. And it's a carry-in.

Me~ No free meal at least?? A carry-in?? *fake cough*, *fake cough*. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be sick that day.

hubby~ it's three weeks away.

Me~ I know. I'll probably be deathly ill by then.

hubby~ it's practically being held in your front yard.

Me~ yes, but I might be contagious. I'm only thinking of everyone else.

Needless to say, this ploy didn't work and I resigned myself to my fate. Trapped in a cabin, with people I'm not particularly fond of, with no alcohol to offset my extreme boredom. But then the other day~

Hubby~ so they moved the Christmas party venue.

Me~ Really??? Mentally tallying up how many bottles of wine I have in the pantry that I can contribute to the now possibly a bit better party.

Hubby~ yeah. Some of the women have health issues and they were worried about the lack of a bathroom close by. So now it's being held in the church basement in (small town near us).

Me~ *huge sigh* again with the no alcohol. W.T.F??! And um. Oh. Wait. Me & churches. If you don't know what I here.

And to add insult to injury, they've now said it's okay to bring your children along. Now, I'm a huge fan of kids, but really?? Could the prospect of this evening get worse?? So then, there's this discussion.

hubby~ H & K (a guy he works with and his wife who we occasionally go out with) are heading to the winery at 3 Saturday before they go to the Christmas party.

Me~ yippee! That will be better.

hubby~ I told them we won't be joining them. I don't really think you and alcohol are a good mix for this party.

Me~ *staring at him blankly for a moment, like a kid who's just had candy ripped from their hands* oh. my. You are really worried I'm going to tell people exactly what I think at this party aren't you?

hubby~ well, you have been rather outspoken lately. And I know how you feel about the boss. Yeah, I'm a little worried you might tell him what you think of him. I'd like to keep my job.

Me~ I don't even see why it would matter what I think of him. I don't work for him. I didn't sign any contracts. Why does he care what the hell I think??

Hubby~ you know you could stay home if you want. I could say you were sick.

I know you're all thinking I should be insulted at this point. Like he doesn't think I can restrain myself. Like I didn't work retail for forever and learned to present a cheerful face no matter what. Like I didn't earn accolades and plaques in high school for drama? Like I haven't done community theatre and still went on with the show after learning my cousin and his wife died. Is he for real?? But in his defense...I will give you a glimpse of some scenes from past Christmas parties...

The very first year he had this job, 8 Christmases ago, the Christmas party was being held at a winery in a small town near us that did dinner theatre. I had to work at the bookstore all day. It was so busy, I didn't get a chance to eat any lunch. He picked me up, we met H & K and J( a 22 year old guy who worked for the council that year. He had also been the program director for camp so we'd spent the summer with him). We carpooled in H & K's van the half hour drive. The winery is right next to a plant or something I dunno. All I know is there is a five foot tall chicken statue outside this place that you can see from the highway. When we exited the van, J remarked that we should steal the chicken. We laughed.

Inside, we went to our table, and then split up. H & my hubby don't drink wine. But K & I went right to the wine tasting area. The deal is you get to taste all the wines and then you get a free glass of your choice with your meal. Well I flirted hard with the guy pouring the wine and K & I ended up getting full glasses instead of the measly bit they usually give you to taste. So picture us weaving unsteadily back to the table after having 7 glasses of wine on my empty stomach. Yeah, I was feeling good. Then we get our free glass and since H & hubby don't drink wine...we got theirs as well. The office manager & her husband were sitting across from us and her husband was feeling good too. As was J. We may have been a little loud. And we may have been a little inappropriate. I'd like to say I remembered. But I don't. Not by this time. H went and bought us another bottle of wine. Oh lord. When we finally left, I was leaning heavily on hubby's arm on the way to the parking lot and talking pretty much non stop. Well then I see the chicken. And suddenly, stealing it seems like an awesome idea. Possibly the best idea ever. So I drop hubby's arm and go running off across the lot (in heels, skirt, and long wool dress coat) and begin pulling on said chicken. Luckily, J (who is 6'4") comes and throws me over his shoulder and carts me back to the van. Yeah, probably not the best first impression on alot of people. In fact...good impression epic fail.

The next year hubby asked me specifically not to drink at the party. Okay. Damage completely undone. In the following years a few incidents have occurred. Most of them not noticed by many people. Like the year H & I fell asleep during the play. In my defense...we'd had wine with supper, it was really really warm in the theatre and I'd seen that play done the year before. At least we didn't snore. Although I think I ended up with my head on his shoulder. There was the year we went to the Italian restaurant and two of the men he works with kept insisting that I had to be Italian because of my dark coloring. I don't see how it's my fault, but the one guys wife got royally pissed at him and asked him loudly to stop flirting with me. But basically it averages out. Three parties where there Three parties i behaved well at. And one I missed. I don't know why he's soooo worried. I'm the one who's going to spend the evening bored and having to bite my tongue. Is it over yet???

promising to behave,


  1. Well at least now that it's at a church you have an excuse to leave earlier. Maybe you'll luck out and it will start snowing. I do have to say I am so glad I don't have to go to that. I'd say I'd try to rescue you some how but I don't think that would work. My getaway driver is hunting.

  2. I...I don't know what to say, except to suggest the old "sneak the wine in some other inconspicuous container" trick. You can always text me if you get really bored....I'll be around! We'll make fun of ppl...maybe you can take their pics w/your camera and we'll critique their outfits!

  3. I would have jumped on the "Hubby~ you know you could stay home if you want. I could say you were sick."

    Cough, cough!!

  4. Pretty funny stuff! Work holiday parties are always a bit iffy. I also work for an NGO, and my husband almost always chooses to pass. There is just no way it's fun very much fun for him; he doesn't know my colleagues well or get all the complicated politics going on. I think you might want to take your temperature...right after drinking a very hot cup of tea. I'm sure your contagious!
    PS who would think to have an office Christmas party in a church! (unless it's a religious non profit I guess) next I will read your aversion to church post. I think you and my husband may have a lot in common.

  5. I just read the church wedding post-- I knew I liked you! I am a pagan heathen myself. And I have dealt with a few jezebels over the past 21 years and girl, I like your style!

  6. what are you talking about? The chicken story is an AMAZING first impression. If I was there I would've been like, "I totally wanna be her friend!"....if ppl can't take that then (sticks out tongue) to them.
    I hope it wasn't THAT boring. =S

  7. Roxy~ thanks for the offer. It didn't last long. I survived.

    Kathryn~ I wish I'd read your comment before I'd gone!! That would have been fun! But K & I stood around in our own snobby little clique. Lol.

    Heather~ I know. I know. But somehow I feel obliged to be a supportive wife.

    DfG~ yay for pagan heathenism!! It's a small office so I know all the people who work there and my absence would probably be duly noted under the whole "family values" issue. So I go.

    BA~ It wasn't bad. At least it didn't last too long. And thanks! At least someone appreciates my outrageousness!