Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Unauthorized biographies and a dinner convo...

So I had a post all written for today. I wrote it last night because I planned to go to town today and run some errands. Then I decided to do that tomorrow. So I'm giving you this post instead because parts of it refer to that post and because well, it's just another example of my family's quirkiness. And by quirkiness, I of course, mean borderline insanity.

Last night at the dinner table, while feasting on deer tenderloins (lovingly hand rubbed with Kansas City spice mix and then broiled), homemade mac-n-cheese, peas (because they are hubbies fav and one of the four, yes four, vegetables he will eat), and garlic cheese bread, we had the following conversation:

me: Didn't I need more icicle lights for outside? I was thinking we didn't have enough last year.

hubby: yes.*grumbling about xmas under breath*

Sean: I refuse to help put up lights on the outside of the house this year.

me: Why? I mean how hard can it be? It's not brain surgery.

hubby: It's a b*tch. Trust me.

me: Really? Because Hildi's hubby puts up lights outside their house and I don't think he whines about it. And he's not as tough as you all sooo..(see my reverse psychology here?? Watch it fail miserably)

Sean: that's because he's scared of Hildi.

hubby: yeah. And they live in a neighborhood where people are going to see the lights. We live in the middle of nowhere. Deer do not care if you put up xmas lights.

me: I see them! Fine. Whatever. If you guys are going to whine and complain, I'll just do it myself. (at which point they began laughing at me). I think you guys are just whiny complainers and I'm sick of it.

Sean: well we think you b*tch alot.

me: well if you guys actually did things when I asked without blowing me crap about it I probably wouldn't have to b*tch so much and then we'd all be happier.

Sean: nah. We're pretty comfortable being lazy whiny complainers and we kind of tune you out anyway.

Hubby: What he said.

me: Well you guys are just spoiled. I do everything for you guys and you can't even accomplish simple tasks with out me nagging constantly.

Sean: Spaceships...I mean what? Were you talking?? (Spaceships is what he says when he's pretending to be not listening).

Me: Do you know how many moms cook meals like this now days?? And at least five nights a week no less? I mean most kids have to eat take out!!!

Sean: I like McDonalds.

Hubby: Don't forget Taco Bell.

Me: There are people in third world countries who don't even get to eat every night.

Sean: well you can't blame their mothers for that. I mean, they might want to cook, they just have no food.

Me: whatever. The point is I cook for you and I don't complain, in fact I'm pleasant about it. And I do laundry every day and I don't complain, in fact usually I'm humming while I do it. Cheerfully. That's cheerful service. I do things for you two in cheerful service. You know what I think??

Hubby: What?

Me: I think the two boy scouts at this table just got schooled in "cheerful service"! By a girl scout. Boo-yah!

Hubby: well I still think xmas sucks.

Me: well I think you suck. Especially this month.

hubby: It's only the first day of the month. I haven't even done anything yet.

me: oh, but you will. And you're already grumbling. And with all the crap leading up to Thanksgiving you were already on my list. In fact, you have all the spots on my list. Like in games, where you get to put your name in when you have a high score? And it lists the top ten scores? Well you have all ten places currently. Although Sean is definitely number 11.

Sean: I'm going to need so much therapy. I honestly thought that Mo moving would be a good thing, because I wouldn't have to put up with her anymore. But instead I'm left alone with the two of you who hate each other so much, but are still wearing the exact same t-shirt!!

me: *glancing at hubby and realizing he's right. We both have on the navy blue camp tshirt from several years back* huh. Well we have like 5 of these freaking shirts.

hubby: yeah. It's your mom's fan club shirt (long story).

me: that's right! So why aren't you wearing one Sean?

Sean: I don't have that shirt.

me: we have a zillion of them and you don't even have one? how weird is that? And anyway your father and I don't hate each other. I don't know why you think that.

Sean: maybe because you're planning on ignoring him for an entire month.

me: You've got that all wrong...I'm ignoring him because I love him. It keeps me from killing him or leaving him. See? We're all about the love.

Sean: So much therapy...

And then this morning:

Me: So I'm writing several posts about you in the next few days. And I'm calling it "The Disco Chronicles".

Sean: No. I don't want you to.

Me: I said you'd be mad. It's my blog. I'll write what I want.

Sean: You can't just write a biography about a person without their permission.

Me: Sure you can. It's called an unauthorized biography. And they sell like crazy.

Sean: Really?

Me: yep. So just sit back and bask in your famousness.

Sean: It's not like you have millions of readers.

Me: Whatever. Amazon might disagree with you. I got a deposit from them last month of $11.51. So there.

Sean: $11.51? That's pitiful.

Me: It's quality not quantity that counts.

Sean: how does that apply to this conversation?

Me: Um. I don't know. But it sounded good. There's a lesson in there somewhere. You should think about it. Grasshopper...find the true meaning.

Sean: what did you just call me?

Me: grasshopper. It's from...oh nevermind. Don't you have something to do? Evil plots don't hatch themselves you know.

Yeah, I'm posting the "Disco Chronicles" anyway. Prepare to be amazed. Or frightened. Or just awestruck by the evil genius that is my son.

xmas time is here again,


  1. OMG, this post had me cracking up. I love lights, but might have to side with your son and hubby on this. As a kid, I hated putting them. As a grown adult, no lights on the outside of my house. I get my fill by driving to the most light up house in my county (no lie, this house was written up in the NY Times).

  2. Ok, I can't get over the fact that Sean told you you b!tch a lot. I'm not too fond of curse words and the moment he said it, I though.."Oh noy and now she's going to say she slapped him across the mouth". And you didn't and I found that funny since my mother and father would've done just that to me if I ever uttered something remotely bad about them regardless if it's true........
    Not sure if I can agree with anyone about the lights, I don't put them up for two reasons: 1) don't have the money to buy lights and 2) even if I did it would mean that the hubby would put them up (becasue he wouldn't let me do it) and that means he won't be spending time with me, so nope. Won't get them.
    excited for the Disco Chronicles...and you have all the right to write about him because he's not 18 (I'm assuming) and you have ultimate say what you can make public about him

  3. Those guys don't know how lucky they are! (Print this out and show them..)

  4. I'm going home to put up some X-Mas lights. Just as soon as I buy some.

  5. For the second year at our house there will be no Christmas lights outside- inside yes, outside well, not until he can get a new ladder, or borrow a boom lift from work, when there isn't snow on the ground, when its not too cold out, when we come to a decision on what colour..meh!

  6. I'm basking in the love of the family and laughing my butt off!

    I hate to admit, I'm laughing with them about you putting the Christmas lights up yourself. LOL. I wouldn't have a clue!

    I hope you have lots of alcohol at your house (at least this month anyway).

  7. I'm with ya, sister girl!!!

    Your boys are SERIOUSLY SPOILED (but technically, that is partially your fault) Either way, you are their goddess and they should worship you accordingly. If not ... they must be FORCED. Use whatever power you have ... don't cook for them for a week - that oughtta do it.

    My house is decorated - in and out. My dishes have been changed over, my Christmas cards (every one I have ever gotten, I might add) have been lovingly strung along the top of nearly every wall in this house ... my santa collection is displayed proudly about my home and there are fairy lights, garland and fake snow just about everywhere you look in this joint.

    Your husband would likely stroke out in this place.

    I will post pictures as soon as I actually get the house cleaned up again :)

    Be strong. MAKE them do your bidding! Tell them I will hunt them down and tell them about Narci all day long.

  8. I have to turn on you and side with the Hubby on the Christmas lights. Putting them up blows ass in a major way. And the deer really don't care if your house is all lit up. The raccoons maybe but definately not the deer.

  9. Oh my I almost forgot. You're a paid writer now!!! Thats so cool. A question though, since people are reading this blog now from all over the world, should I refrain from using my usual foul language and making stinky-wind while I'm a guest here?

  10. THAT'S RIGHT! If Amazon sent you a check, then you're a PAID, OFFICIAL WRITER, MISSY!!!!

    SO, so, proud!! Ya know how much I've gotten from Amazon?? It ends with a ZERO. Oh, and it starts with a ZERO. Uh huh....

    Great dialogue between you and loving guys....

    Loved the part where hubby says "what he said". Priceless!

  11. I love the sass at your dinner table; plenty to go around! Sass=love. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

  12. Oh my! Momma would've slapped me into next week, if not next year! Love what hubby said about the deer!!

    Disco Chronicles..that's going to be goood!

  13. Want to cook for us? We can't afford take out all the time but if we could, yes, that's what we'd be having every night. I HATE to cook. When I do cook, it's a lot of frozen pizzas, Hamburger Helper...sometimes I branch out and brown chicken and dump Campbell's soup on top of that.

    Mmm, now I want Taco Bell...I love that place.

  14. LMB~ Thanks! Apparently lights outside are a pain. But they look soooo pretty!! And I love to see them when I come home at night. Not that that happens very often. *sigh*

    BA~ I dunno what will happen with the lights! Thanks for the legal opinion. Hahaha. Take that Sean! No, I didn't slap him because we were playing around. Had he said it in a serious conversation or when he was in trouble or something it would have been waaaayyyy different.

    Tina~ Thanks!!

    X~ could you come do my house too? I'll buy the

    AA~ Wow. Thats a lot of work. But can he come to my house and do mine? I have a ladder and it's not so cold here and I know what colour I want!

    Angelia~ oh you know I have alcohol! I drink alot of wine in december! Yeah, I probably couldn't put the lights up by myself, but maybe they'd feel sorry for me and come help??

    Dani~ oh my. I have to sit down and relax after reading about your decorating. You go girl! You even changed dishes??? Yes, i know the spoiling is completely my fault. But I'm totally going to find someone else to blame...
    Thanks for your offer to um...subdue them. Lol.

    Mark~ gee thanks you turncoat!! I'm pretty sure coyotes like decorated houses or maybe it scares them of the two. Lol.

    Kathryn~ nope. not like that. I'll have to explain next post. Loving guys...riiiiggghhht.

    DfG~ Oh I totally agree!

    C~ gosh, now I feel pressure. =]

    Heather~ Mine too if Dad didn't reach me first! Lol.

    WW~ I would love to have you all at my table!! You sound like my sis. Hildi hates to cook too and has a pretty limited repertoire. But she's beginning to take an interest and I'm making her a cookbook for xmas of simple but tasty recipes you can do on the cheap! I too, love the Bell.


  15. Seeing both sides, here... wondering if there is a business model where you hire someone to clean the gutters AND hang the lights at the same time. Both jobs suck.

  16. Does it make me and mine dysfunctional if I see nothing dysfunctional about your dysfunction? =)