Thursday, July 23, 2009

I'm losing it...

Then's quite possible I never had it to begin with. Seriously, yesterday I created a blog, blogged, posted and I came back today and it's not there! So either it was eaten by some blog-eating monster in cyberspace or I dreamt the whole thing. Sadly, either answer could be true.

So this blog is because I just need to get some things out of my head. Things I don't necessarily want to share with my friends or family. Weird, huh? I don't want to share it with them but I'll let a million web surfing strangers in on my deepest thoughts? Not really. I mean I'm pretty anonymous on here. Oh yeah, I know...any moron can hack your account and find out who you really are...but seriously, if any one's bored enough to do that to my blog...have at it dude. No, I think it's more because I don't personally know any of the readers (haha...that's assuming someone somewhere is reading this) so I'm not responsible for you. I don't have to worry about offending you, hurting your feelings, or scaring the crap out of you. I can just be "real". Don't get me wrong...that kind of makes me sound like I'm totally fake in my real life...and I'm not. It's just that, to explain.... Ok. So you know those people who can find something good in everything? The ones who cheer you up when you're depressed, make you smile no matter what and are just fun to be around? Yeah, that's me. And no, I'm not being's just true. I have a pretty happy outlook on life most of the time and I have a really low tolerance for self pity. Bad things happen to good people. And you have to buck up and deal with it. I've had some whoppers in my life and a wise person once said to me "Why are you asking why? Do you think when something bad happens anyone ever says 'oh yeah. I deserved that'?" And so that was the end of that. I do, on occasion, wallow in a bit of self pity...either I go back to bed for a couple of hours or cry in the shower (no one can hear you & you're already wet). But mostly I believe:

A. Everything happens for a reason. Even if you have no clue what the hell that reason have to have faith that there is one.

B. Everything works out the way it's supposed to in the end. Again...not your job to figure out how...just to believe it will.

C. Karma happens. Do nice things for others (without the need for thanks or approval) and you will have good things happen to you. Do mean things to other people and you're screwed.

D. There is a lesson in everything. It IS your job to figure out what that lesson might be. And whether you are supposed to learn the lesson or teach it by example.

If you keep all of that in mind then it's pretty hard to feel sorry for yourself. Mostly because your brain is too full trying to work all that out. Lol. There you have basic life philosophy. And no I'm not religious per se. I'm just spiritual. And frankly, I don't care what religious philosophy you subscribe long as you believe in something. And believe strongly enough to defend it (please note there is a difference between defending your particular point of view and trying to cram it down other's throats. Or trying to convert everyone in listening distance.) And that said belief is strong enough to get you through the rough spots.

So life was percolating along...again, had some rough spots (okay some really rough spots) but things were okay. Settling back into a routine, making it work. Had some exceptionally bright spots as well (I do have many things to be thankful for) and then they throw the big scary "C" word my way. That's right folks, I may very well have cancer. In a month it went from "do you want to do an ultrasound to check it out?" to "we have to schedule surgery to remove your right ovary and biopsy it". Yep, you guessed it ovarian cancer. One of the most aggressive and insidious cancers you can find. Good thing I said "hell yeah" to the ultrasound, huh? So surgery is set for August 12th. And I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow. I have to say in a way, this really took me by surprise. But in another way...I just had this niggling feeling that something was wrong for a couple of months now. It's funny though, my paternal grandmother died of breast cancer when I was 13 (okay that was NOT the funny part), and my aunt on my mom's side beat breast cancer several years ago (also NOT funny) so I always assumed it would be breast cancer somewhere down the road for me. (Ok, maybe none of it was funny, more ironic I guess). So you can bet I do the whole breast exam thing like clockwork. But there's obviously no home ovary check.

I'm sure you're all wondering (or maybe you're not...maybe you got up to get a drink...or got distracted by your cat, don't worry I do that all the time!) so am I scared? Ummm. You know...not so much. I mean it's probably a 75% chance I'm going to have to do chemo. They do that with ovarian cancer even if it's only "borderline malignant" (a term which makes no sense to me. Kind of like "minor heart attack" or "a touch of epilepsy". Seriously, who comes up with these?). But I'm not really scared of the chemo. I've talked to several women who've been through it and they have anti nausea drugs for the vomiting, painkillers for the aching bones, but the fatigue...yeah that worries me. I'm so exhausted most days now I can barely get up to go to the bathroom. I can't even imagine it getting worse. But I'm a hundred percent positive that I can beat this. Mostly because I have too much left to do to die yet. But if it comes to that...I'm not afraid to die. I have faith (granted its my own unique brand) and that carries me through. So what am I worried about? Losing my self.

Yeah...losing the part that makes me "me". Not having the strength to keep everyone else's spirits up. Not having the energy to listen to the details of their lives and point out the absurdities. Not being able to take joy from everything. Not feeling like laughing. I mean, I laugh alot folks! For one family is goofy and hilarious. For just feels good to laugh! What if I get too sick to laugh? What if I get to sick too draw pleasure from the silly little things that I do now? Like a really good meal, or a great movie trailer, or the upcoming release of a book I'm dying to read. What if I lose that? It will be hard enough to not be able to be up taking care of my house, having people over, cooking huge meals, being every one's "mom". And losing my hair, well that's gonna suck too. But I guess I'm worried more about losing "me". And how that will affect everyone I know. So I guess...I'm not really feeling sorry for me...I'm feeling sorry for them.

Things to ponder,

1 comment:

  1. I'm reading from the start. See, even your first post talked about how you see the brightness in everything. I'm worried about the cancer and we didn't talk about it.