Survey says..."optomistic".

So when I wrote that title I actually heard that host guy from "Family Feud" voice in my head. Do other people do that? Or is it just me? It's probably just me. But at least I don't talk out loud to myself. My husband does that. Omigod. It's so annoying. I just want to smack him. He says it's because he works alone all the time so he's just used to nobody being around. But like in the car, driving along, he'll just out of the blue say something, kind of quietly so I can't really hear it. So I'll ask what he said and he'll say "nothing. just thinking out loud." Gahhh! I just want to reach over and pinch him. That is seriously frustrating. I'd think maybe I was just a b**ch, but it annoys the kids as well. Sometimes I talk out loud around the house when nobody's home. But it's to the cats. Honest. They don't offer much back in the way of advice, but they are fantastic listeners!

The doctors visit went fine. He went over the ct scan, even gave me a copy. It's completely clear except of course for the thriving little community on my ovary. He says it looks so good that he's optimistic that the mass will be benign. Yay! I know there's no possible way to know for sure until the biopsy, but I refuse to spend the next two weeks worrying about it. After all, it won't change a single thing. He thinks the pain I've been having in my upper right tummy is gallbladder. He said the ct often misses stones and to keep track of it. If it continues to be a problem we'll do an ultrasound. And I finally got the ankle that's been killing me xrayed. I've been dealing with it for six months but I have so many aches and pains it seems senseless to dwell on them all. Something must be weird on the xray because the xray techs put it on the viewing thing then decided to go look at it on the monitor, then came back and asked a zillion questions. That's me...Spot...medical anomaly.

Had some drama with the kids last night. Haha...I have a houseful of teenagers, how could there not be drama?! Two of my biologicals are camp counselors this month. They do this every summer at a camp for kids with disabilities, which happens to be run at the camp we live at. So basically they spend a month in the front yard, although it's about a half mile from the house. Well, as with any camp where you have co-ed counselors, there are relationships, gossip, drama, ect. Last night, apparently, my daughter caught my son in a rather compromising position with a girl she does not like at all. Then a rather loud and public chewing out ensued. And then she texted home to tell me how awful her brother was. And how he had broken her friend's heart. Well, my hubby went down to talk to my son and get his side. And there appears to have been some miscommunication between him and said broken-hearted girl. He says the night before they stayed up for four hours talking and through the talk she kept reiterating how glad she was they'd never been more then friends. She told my daughter that she told him many times how much she liked him. ??? Seriously (aside from the compromising position, and I did not ask for details, but omg that's my baby!) this is better then "Big Brother". Lol.

Well dears, I'm off to Springfield to pick up my biological oldest from school. He's coming home for a three day visit and I am ecstatic!!! Even if the autism means he can't talk...he gives the best hugs ever.

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Short but sweet...

Or not. This is going to be short because I have yet another doctor's appointment today. This one with the GP to go over last week's ct scan results. Of course the gyn already went over them with me, so it will be interesting to find out if they interpret them the same. He, of course, always reads me the entire report where she just said "everything's fine'. I don't know whether it's that he respects my intelligence more or she likes to be optimistic. We also get to discuss how my insurance is still denying the savella, even after I tried their other stupid medicine and it didn't work!! I did my part...why can't they do theirs? I spent two weeks feeling like crap because the other meds didn't work...but they won't approve and pay for the one that does even though it's not that expensive. Why does this not make sense???

I'm having lunch with a good friend afterward though so that should perk up the day somewhat. Then I'm running a million errands so that I don't have to later in the week. Return videos, return library books, pick up a few things at the grocery store...ect. Tonight the Indian Dancers are coming to camp. I missed them last week so I will walk down and see them tonight.

It is prank week in camp. Night before last, we were forked. The leaders snuck up to our house and stuck plastic forks in the yard. It was hilarious. Unfortunately, Fido picked them all up before I had a chance to take a picture to post. I haven't figured out what they did last night yet. So to get them back...Fido snuck down at 4:30 am and put several realistic goose decoys on the picnic table and lawn of their cabin. He then hid and used a goose call to wake them. When they looked out the window all those geese were staring back at them! I can't wait to ask him how it went! It's hard to believe that these women spend a month in camp every summer and are still scared of wildlife!

Well I must leave...fingers crossed that the ct scan really is as good as she said. =]

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Things to make you get goosebumps...

So I opened up my email today and thanks to my many wonderful friends who send me things to make me smile, laugh out loud, and just feel good I received these. They reminded me what a tiny piece of this great universe that I am. And not to take myself so seriously, or let the bad things get me down. They gave me goosebumps. Hope they do the same for you...

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2539741%3E

http://videos.komando.com/2009/06/18/african-thunderstorm/


I don't know why these didn't come out as links you could click...but do try copying and pasting them. They're worth it. =]

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Gahh!

My right ovary is killing me! Okay...so quite literally maybe. Hahaha. But that's not what I meant. Ever since that Dr. appt last Friday, I have been in pain. Really bad Friday, not so bad Saturday, and horrible yesterday and today. It even woke me up twice last night. I've taken Motrin and Tylenol and no dice. Still hurts. Especially if I get up and move around alot. Or if my bladder gets full. So here I sit. I'm tired too. I think I hate being this freakin tired even worse then the pain. But we did take that trip out of town and I slept poorly at my parents house. Their guest room has a queen size bed. I'm used to my king size. I'm used to not having my husband touch me when we sleep. I hate to be touched when I'm trying to sleep. I'm kind of a bitch about it too. It's ironic really. I remember when we first got together and I couldn't sleep without having some part of my body touching him. I mean we used to snuggle up in a twin bed for pete's sake. Of course that was 20 years, three kids and several pounds (for both of us) ago. Now I just prefer we have our own space. Oh we sometimes snuggle...if it's super cold for example. But once I'm warm I send him back to his side of the bed. I think I just got burnt out maybe. When our kids were little (and they are step stairs...one year between the first two and two years between #2 and #3) they would all climb into our bed in the middle of the night. And lay on me. Never him. I would wake up, look over and there he slept...peacefully. While the children were burrowed into my sides or sprawled atop me. So now...I just gotta have my space.

Okay...so here's our health care system for you...Friday I had that pre-op appointment. Well I told the doctor I thought I might have a kidney infection going on because I had a lot of left flank pain the day before and it would also explain the low grade fevers and fatigue. She said head over to the hospital and give a sample but wait an hour or so since she'd done a pelvic exam. No problem. This is at 11 am. So I have lunch with my mom, who happens to be down my way, then head to the hospital. I do the urine specimen and it's cloudy with floaters. I know from experience this is a bad thing! I've had many kidney infections. So I call the Dr.s office to let them know I'm still in town, please call my cell when they get results. And guess what...they left at noon!!! For the weekend! WTF?!! So obviously, no one is there to read the results. So I call my GP's office and explain the problem. Can they possibly look for the results and prescribe something so I don't have to wait all weekend? Um. NO. They don't read other Dr.s results. Are you flippin kidding me?! You're in the same clinic!!! So had the infection or fever worsened I would have been forced to make an ER visit over the weekend. What an incredible waste of time and money. And so frustrating.

Well that's all I got kids. Waiting on the Dr.s office to phone back and tell me I have a kidney infection and what they're gonna do about that and the pain in the ovary. Other then that I am hoping for a blessedly quiet day. With a nap if I'm lucky! =] Peace out homedogs...

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A new day...

"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...a beautiful day..." um. yeah. I don't remember the rest of the song. It was from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Remember that show? That Mr. Rogers, now he was a cheerful guy. And he wore a sweater and keds. Hmmm. I loved that show when I was a kid. I don't know why that song popped into my head as I sat here looking out the window. I don't even live in a neighborhood. I live way out in the country. Closest neighbors are 1/4 mile away and well, to put it nicely, they're a little weird. The guy has a tendency to run around in his underwear...and let me just say- it ain't pretty. And they are not set back from the road like us. They are right on the gravel road. So every time I drive by and he's outside I chant to myself "please have pants on, please have pants on". No lie. Also, their horses get out from time to time, so you are quite likely to round the corner and come to a complete stop because there's a horse in the middle of the road. And you thought deer were bad. Haha. So then I feel honor bound to go knock on the door and let them know the horse is out. Which means occasionally I get to see Mr. No Pants and his gun. NO! Not that gun. A real gun. Yes indeed. At night, he opens the door in his underwear and holding his shotgun. Fun stuff that. You'd think he could look outside, recognize me or my car and realize I'm not a home invader. And if not put on pants, at least set down the gun. But no. Fun times. Fun times.

So I guess the song popped into my head because the mood of the day is "hopeful". I had a pre-op appointment with my doctor yesterday and it set my mind somewhat at ease. She doesn't think the mass is cancer. Of course this is the same lady who asked me if i wanted to do an ultrasound or let it go for a couple of months. So maybe I'm not going to trust her gut instincts. But the ct scan was clearish and my blood work looked good. So if it is cancer, it looks like it hasn't spread. Which ups my chances of survival ALOT. Good news indeed. So really there's nothing left to do but wait the two weeks for the surgery and pathology results. So I've opted to shove it all to the back of my mind. Yes indeed, i can be the queen of denial.

Well I'm off to visit my parents today. My hubby and I are taking a much needed break and going to the big city to visit my folks. I don't know how great of a break it will be unless he leaves his cell phone at home, which I doubt. I begin to wonder how the council ran without him. And sometimes it seems that his commitment to his work far outweighs his commitment to his family. I can't count how many times I've made plans for us only to have something crop up at the last minute and he can't go. But then he gets hurt that I always make plans without him. Hmmm...
Hope everyone else can join in this spurt of optimism I'm enjoying. The weather is not too hot, the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing...

"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine, could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?" Or something like that.

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I'm losing it...

Then again...it's quite possible I never had it to begin with. Seriously, yesterday I created a blog, blogged, posted and I came back today and it's not there! So either it was eaten by some blog-eating monster in cyberspace or I dreamt the whole thing. Sadly, either answer could be true.



So this blog is because I just need to get some things out of my head. Things I don't necessarily want to share with my friends or family. Weird, huh? I don't want to share it with them but I'll let a million web surfing strangers in on my deepest thoughts? Not really. I mean I'm pretty anonymous on here. Oh yeah, I know...any moron can hack your account and find out who you really are...but seriously, if any one's bored enough to do that to my blog...have at it dude. No, I think it's more because I don't personally know any of the readers (haha...that's assuming someone somewhere is reading this) so I'm not responsible for you. I don't have to worry about offending you, hurting your feelings, or scaring the crap out of you. I can just be "real". Don't get me wrong...that kind of makes me sound like I'm totally fake in my real life...and I'm not. It's just that, hmm...how to explain.... Ok. So you know those people who can find something good in everything? The ones who cheer you up when you're depressed, make you smile no matter what and are just fun to be around? Yeah, that's me. And no, I'm not being boastful...it's just true. I have a pretty happy outlook on life most of the time and I have a really low tolerance for self pity. Bad things happen to good people. And you have to buck up and deal with it. I've had some whoppers in my life and a wise person once said to me "Why are you asking why? Do you think when something bad happens anyone ever says 'oh yeah. I deserved that'?" And so that was the end of that. I do, on occasion, wallow in a bit of self pity...either I go back to bed for a couple of hours or cry in the shower (no one can hear you & you're already wet). But mostly I believe:



A. Everything happens for a reason. Even if you have no clue what the hell that reason is...you have to have faith that there is one.



B. Everything works out the way it's supposed to in the end. Again...not your job to figure out how...just to believe it will.



C. Karma happens. Do nice things for others (without the need for thanks or approval) and you will have good things happen to you. Do mean things to other people and you're screwed.



D. There is a lesson in everything. It IS your job to figure out what that lesson might be. And whether you are supposed to learn the lesson or teach it by example.



If you keep all of that in mind then it's pretty hard to feel sorry for yourself. Mostly because your brain is too full trying to work all that out. Lol. There you have it...my basic life philosophy. And no I'm not religious per se. I'm just spiritual. And frankly, I don't care what religious philosophy you subscribe to...as long as you believe in something. And believe strongly enough to defend it (please note there is a difference between defending your particular point of view and trying to cram it down other's throats. Or trying to convert everyone in listening distance.) And that said belief is strong enough to get you through the rough spots.



So anywho...my life was percolating along...again, had some rough spots (okay some really rough spots) but things were okay. Settling back into a routine, making it work. Had some exceptionally bright spots as well (I do have many things to be thankful for) and then they throw the big scary "C" word my way. That's right folks, I may very well have cancer. In a month it went from "do you want to do an ultrasound to check it out?" to "we have to schedule surgery to remove your right ovary and biopsy it". Yep, you guessed it ovarian cancer. One of the most aggressive and insidious cancers you can find. Good thing I said "hell yeah" to the ultrasound, huh? So surgery is set for August 12th. And I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow. I have to say in a way, this really took me by surprise. But in another way...I just had this niggling feeling that something was wrong for a couple of months now. It's funny though, my paternal grandmother died of breast cancer when I was 13 (okay that was NOT the funny part), and my aunt on my mom's side beat breast cancer several years ago (also NOT funny) so I always assumed it would be breast cancer somewhere down the road for me. (Ok, maybe none of it was funny, more ironic I guess). So you can bet I do the whole breast exam thing like clockwork. But there's obviously no home ovary check.



I'm sure you're all wondering (or maybe you're not...maybe you got up to get a drink...or got distracted by your cat, don't worry I do that all the time!) so am I scared? Ummm. You know...not so much. I mean it's probably a 75% chance I'm going to have to do chemo. They do that with ovarian cancer even if it's only "borderline malignant" (a term which makes no sense to me. Kind of like "minor heart attack" or "a touch of epilepsy". Seriously, who comes up with these?). But I'm not really scared of the chemo. I've talked to several women who've been through it and they have anti nausea drugs for the vomiting, painkillers for the aching bones, but the fatigue...yeah that worries me. I'm so exhausted most days now I can barely get up to go to the bathroom. I can't even imagine it getting worse. But I'm a hundred percent positive that I can beat this. Mostly because I have too much left to do to die yet. But if it comes to that...I'm not afraid to die. I have faith (granted its my own unique brand) and that carries me through. So what am I worried about? Losing my self.



Yeah...losing the part that makes me "me". Not having the strength to keep everyone else's spirits up. Not having the energy to listen to the details of their lives and point out the absurdities. Not being able to take joy from everything. Not feeling like laughing. I mean, I laugh alot folks! For one thing...my family is goofy and hilarious. For another...it just feels good to laugh! What if I get too sick to laugh? What if I get to sick too draw pleasure from the silly little things that I do now? Like a really good meal, or a great movie trailer, or the upcoming release of a book I'm dying to read. What if I lose that? It will be hard enough to not be able to be up taking care of my house, having people over, cooking huge meals, being every one's "mom". And losing my hair, well that's gonna suck too. But I guess I'm worried more about losing "me". And how that will affect everyone I know. So I guess...I'm not really feeling sorry for me...I'm feeling sorry for them.



Things to ponder,
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