So not many people commented on my last blog so I'm thinking maybe you don't like it when I get serious or maybe it's just a skinny people boycott. Whatever. If you guys are going to play that game I guess I'll just go ahead and give you what you want. I know, you want the "funny". Fine. Here. I hope you all snort liquid out your noses. (No, really, I do!)
A couple of weekends ago, Sean's "not girlfriend"(which is a whole confusing state in and of itself) Lizzie came home from college for the weekend and we'd already planned that she would come to our house Friday night. We said we'd make dinner (and by "we", I totally mean "I") and then we'd (now I mean "we") teach her to play Mexican Train Dominoes. Don't laugh. It's fun. And we are all extremely competitive so it involves a lot of trash talking and a couple of swear words. So she arrived on a Friday night and we gathered round the table to chow down on some pork carnitas (duh, what else would you eat but Mexican food when you're going to play Mexican train dominoes?). It was Lizzie, Sean, Lu, Bobby (who was still off work from his accident) and myself. Naturally our dinner table conversation took several small leaps off track. And I'm just going to warn you right now-- if you get embarrassed about the word "vagina" or are easily offended STOP READING RIGHT NOW. Also, if you think you might feel the need to offer me parenting advice or something-- don't. I won't listen and I happen to think I've done a wonderful job. Thus ends the warning.
Me: Lizzie, how did W's 21st birthday party go? Wasn't it her first time ever drinking?
Lizzie: I don't know for sure that it was, but I know she was always against underage drinking whenever she was with K & I. But she drank alot and puked twice.
Me: Gross. But sometimes when you puke you feel better and can keep partying. Not that I recommend that.
Lizzie: Yeah, she puked the first time at the party and then the next time after we got home, she was on the porch and the window was open.
Sean: Did she make it to the bathroom at the party?
Lizzie: I don't know for sure.
Lu: Well I hope she didn't puke in her purse.
*We all start laughing*
Sean: Why the hell would she puke in her purse?
Me: That's totally gross. Who would do that?
Lu: Well it always seems like a good idea, until the next morning. It's just a really bad idea.
Me: Please tell me you don't know this from personal experience!
Bobby & Sean: She totally does! Look at her face!
*by this time we're all laughing hysterically*
Lu: It's really not that funny!
-now I know some of you are going "she just sort of admitted to getting drunk" and yeah, it can be viewed that way. But for the most part if you think your teenagers have never snuck a drink or two, you're fooling yourself. Besides, it's not like I can ground her for sins of the past. If you could, my parents would probably still be trying to ground me for shit I pulled they never knew about. There's got to be a statute of limitations on that kind of stuff-
From there, the convo takes a bewildering turn-
Lu: I don't know why Axel(my tiny female cat) is so mean to Sparkplug(Lu's male cat) anymore. They used to be the Romeo & Juliet of the cat world.
Me: She hasn't wanted anything to do with him since he came home from the vets.
Lu: Maybe she just knows he can't put out anymore. That's okay Sparkplug, you stay away from her vampire vagina.
*All of us turn to stare at her*
Lu: I read it in that cat book you got when Axel was pregnant. When cats have sex the female has these little barbs in there that make it impossible for the male to pull out before the deed is done.
Sean: So let me get this straight- you think cats have fangs in their vaginas?
Lu: No not fangs, barbs. But whatever, they're like vampires.
Me: *struggling for breath because I'm laughing so hard* Vampire Va-jay-jays! Man, where's Elly when you need her?!
Bobby: thank god humans don't have those.
Me: seriously, people would never have sex. And boys would learn to say no.
Sean: No! Keep that vampire vagina away from me girls!
Me: Do they sparkle?
Yeah, we ran that conversation into the ground. And the rest of the night anytime anyone said "vampire" we all started laughing again. Which was very confusing for Mike when he finally made it to the house.
Sean ended up winning the game. And the highlight of the game was Sean kept shouting "Stop looking at my dominoes Lizzie!!" He gets highly irate when you look at his dominoes. And then once, when he had to draw a domino, Lizzie told him he'd had one he could have played all along.
Sean: Then why didn't you tell me?
Lizzie: Because you keep yelling at me to stop looking at your dominoes! Besides, I needed that space.
Yes, Sean, you did just get served.
Hope Monday isn't treating you all too badly,