Monday, November 8, 2010

The one where Sean gets served

So not many people commented on my last blog so I'm thinking maybe you don't like it when I get serious or maybe it's just a skinny people boycott. Whatever. If you guys are going to play that game I guess I'll just go ahead and give you what you want. I know, you want the "funny". Fine. Here. I hope you all snort liquid out your noses. (No, really, I do!)

A couple of weekends ago, Sean's "not girlfriend"(which is a whole confusing state in and of itself) Lizzie came home from college for the weekend and we'd already planned that she would come to our house Friday night. We said we'd make dinner (and by "we", I totally mean "I") and then we'd (now I mean "we") teach her to play Mexican Train Dominoes. Don't laugh. It's fun. And we are all extremely competitive so it involves a lot of trash talking and a couple of swear words. So she arrived on a Friday night and we gathered round the table to chow down on some pork carnitas (duh, what else would you eat but Mexican food when you're going to play Mexican train dominoes?). It was Lizzie, Sean, Lu, Bobby (who was still off work from his accident) and myself. Naturally our dinner table conversation took several small leaps off track. And I'm just going to warn you right now-- if you get embarrassed about the word "vagina" or are easily offended STOP READING RIGHT NOW. Also, if you think you might feel the need to offer me parenting advice or something-- don't. I won't listen and I happen to think I've done a wonderful job. Thus ends the warning.

Me: Lizzie, how did W's 21st birthday party go? Wasn't it her first time ever drinking?

Lizzie: I don't know for sure that it was, but I know she was always against underage drinking whenever she was with K & I. But she drank alot and puked twice.

Me: Gross. But sometimes when you puke you feel better and can keep partying. Not that I recommend that.

Lizzie: Yeah, she puked the first time at the party and then the next time after we got home, she was on the porch and the window was open.

Sean: Did she make it to the bathroom at the party?

Lizzie: I don't know for sure.

Lu: Well I hope she didn't puke in her purse.

*We all start laughing*

Sean: Why the hell would she puke in her purse?

Me: That's totally gross. Who would do that?

Lu: Well it always seems like a good idea, until the next morning. It's just a really bad idea.

Me: Please tell me you don't know this from personal experience!

Bobby & Sean: She totally does! Look at her face!

*by this time we're all laughing hysterically*

Lu: It's really not that funny!

-now I know some of you are going "she just sort of admitted to getting drunk" and yeah, it can be viewed that way. But for the most part if you think your teenagers have never snuck a drink or two, you're fooling yourself. Besides, it's not like I can ground her for sins of the past. If you could, my parents would probably still be trying to ground me for shit I pulled they never knew about. There's got to be a statute of limitations on that kind of stuff-

From there, the convo takes a bewildering turn-

Lu: I don't know why Axel(my tiny female cat) is so mean to Sparkplug(Lu's male cat) anymore. They used to be the Romeo & Juliet of the cat world.

Me: She hasn't wanted anything to do with him since he came home from the vets.

Lu: Maybe she just knows he can't put out anymore. That's okay Sparkplug, you stay away from her vampire vagina.

*All of us turn to stare at her*

Lu: I read it in that cat book you got when Axel was pregnant. When cats have sex the female has these little barbs in there that make it impossible for the male to pull out before the deed is done.

Sean: So let me get this straight- you think cats have fangs in their vaginas?

Lu: No not fangs, barbs. But whatever, they're like vampires.

Me: *struggling for breath because I'm laughing so hard* Vampire Va-jay-jays! Man, where's Elly when you need her?!

Bobby: thank god humans don't have those.

Me: seriously, people would never have sex. And boys would learn to say no.

Sean: No! Keep that vampire vagina away from me girls!

Me: Do they sparkle?

Yeah, we ran that conversation into the ground. And the rest of the night anytime anyone said "vampire" we all started laughing again. Which was very confusing for Mike when he finally made it to the house.

Sean ended up winning the game. And the highlight of the game was Sean kept shouting "Stop looking at my dominoes Lizzie!!" He gets highly irate when you look at his dominoes. And then once, when he had to draw a domino, Lizzie told him he'd had one he could have played all along.

Sean: Then why didn't you tell me?

Lizzie: Because you keep yelling at me to stop looking at your dominoes! Besides, I needed that space.

Yes, Sean, you did just get served.

Hope Monday isn't treating you all too badly,


  1. OK I did comment on the last post so I'm not sure if I am allowed to post on this one or not.

    Anyways it sounds like you all had a fun evening and even though I am easily embarassed and I will never look at cats the same again I think it is so funny the conversations you all have.

    Yep I think she puked in her purse and I agree if you think your teen hasn't snuck a drink then you just are not living in reality, no sense in punishing them for telling you the truth in a sense or else they will just stop talking all together--good parenting there Spot, I'm serious.

  2. Don't worry about the parenting kids were teens as well! And yes, I know those parents who swore their kids were angels and would NEVER take a drink or whatever, but seriously we were teenagers once and our parents thought the same thing! I think it's funny Lu said that! And I so know all about the "notgirlfriend" status!!!!!!! I will never look at cats the same way again!!!!!! Hilarious post!

  3. Now, I was pretty sure that dogs have these little barbs on their peenie-weenies. One very boring summer we were watching our friend's breed their dogs. That doggie dude attached himself to his girlfriend, and then proceeded to TURN ALL THE WAY AROUND AND FACE AWAY FROM HER...STILL ATTACHED. I thought I was seeing something that 20/20 would soon be reporting on. Apparently it's normal. Apparently normalcy is relative.

  4. Vampires, Vaginas, And Dominos oh my! I'm totally coming to dinner at your house Spot!

  5. I didn't read past the warning because you know how offended I get by the word "vagina." Hope the game went well. Heh. Sparkles.

  6. Jimmy~ of course you're allowed to comment! I knew you were boycotting! We do have some doozies when it comes to conversation. No doubt about it. And it's true, if you punish them for fessing up, they'll stop doing it. And knowing what they're doing is so much better than not. Thank you!

    Suzi~ thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yes, them "not dating" is odd since they see each other more now than they did when they were dating.

    Mindy~ normalacy is not only relative it's highly overrated. I can only imagine how the breeding process looked to a kid! LOL.

    Mark~ you are welcome for dinner at our house anytime! Its not always that crazy but pretty darn close.

    Elly~ I don't believe a word about you being offended. As often as vaginas are mentioned on your blog, I almost think you invented the word.


  7. I can't imagine ANYBODY questioning your parenting skillz ... crap - I'd pay for lessons from you.

    Yes ... dogs do "lock" until the dirty deed is complete - though I hadn't realized just why...

    ...and I am sorry to report that I know first hand why you should not puke in your purse ... FIRST HAND. ew.

  8. See I always learn something over here. Who knew about locking vaginas?? Well I do now!! Sweetness!
    And yeah, the whole purse and puking thing..Not good, not good at all!

  9. I gotta' learn that Mexican Train dominoes telling where playing it may lead.

  10. My daughter lied to me once about drinking as a teen and I got so upset about the lying that she never lied to me again, and boy did I come to regret that. I didn't want to hear it all...but dammit she wouldn't lie anymore! So yes, I am aware of the teen drinking phenomenon. Not that I endorse it. Hmmm, now I am going to have to read your serious post, which I missed. sounds like quite a contrast to vampires (ha!).

  11. LOL! I can see why Sean likes her. Too funny! This was a definitely a liquid nose snorter!

    And I absolutely LOVE Mexican train!

  12. Mwahaha you used the word vagina. I'm amused.

    And as for the last entry, I probably just didn't get to it, I'm behind. I'm always behind, thanks to my daughter :/

  13. Actually it's the cat penis which has the barbs. Which is total bullshit on Mother Nature's part.

  14. Aw. I'm sorry I've been MIA. It certainly has nothing to do with your post-quality...or the fact that you discuss vaginas at the table, which we hardly ever do.

    I do believe that only a girl would be dainty enough to vomit in her purse. I mean, you'd never see a GUY vomit in...say, his pocket.

    We're so much more civilized than they are, don't you think?

  15. I know I'm late to the party, but I loved your previous post! You guys sure do know how to have a good time!

    Learn something new everyday, thanks Lulu! (not that I was particually looking for that info) LOL!

  16. I love your family! I want to know how to play Mexican Train Dominoes! I want to play Mexican Train Domioes WITH your family!

    And yes, I always heard it was the male cats that have the barbs on their little penises... that's where all the caterwauling comes from! Don't you think if men had barbs on their penises we'd all be screaming too??? DUH!!!

    Always a pleasure to stop by even if I am the last one to the party!