Please return to owner...

OMG!!! Where has my mind been lately?? Has anyone seen it? Maybe I should make posters~ Lost. One sort of used, slightly crazy, much bemuddled mind. Slightly higher IQ than average. Very imaginative. Runs good fair. If found please return to frazzled woman running around like a chicken with her head cut off. K? Thanks!

Can you believe that I forgot yesterday was "spread the word thursday"?? I mean, I made up the day people! And I still forgot it. Honestly, I think I'd lose my patootie if it wasn't fastened on tight. I'm really not sure I'm going to survive November. And even if I do there's December to get through. December, with all it's christmasey, present giving, cookie baking goodness. And my (gasp) 40th bday. You know, the birthday by which I thought I would have gotten something accomplished? You know back in high school when you peer forward into the future and you imagine your life at the ripe old age of 40? And you think Oh! All the things I will have done by then! I'm looking around now going 'what things??? what have I done?'. And so far, peeps, there's not a lot staring back at me from that list. I shall have to ponder this more closely in the coming month...

But as for the present day, the here and now, I'm feeling better. Although judging by the cough I have today, it may be short lived. I wonder if I can convince my doc to just give me a bag of IV antibiotics now in a pre-emptive strike against my lungs and their patheticness?? Probably not. I think he likes it when he has to stick my butt in the hospital. Not only does he make money but he gets to see me everyday. No, I'm not being vain. I just happen to know that I'm one of the few people who can make him laugh. Yeah, his bedside manner lacks a little. But he laughs at me. Mostly because he thinks I'm crazy but I'm totally cool with that. I'm sure he's not the only one who thinks that. In fact, there's probably like a club or something. My hubby may or may not be the president.

So yesterday I was feeling well enough to get out of bed and hang out in the family room. And my family stopped acting like I had Ebola and started getting near me again. So this is the conversation in the kitchen while I'm making Sean and I some soup for lunch (yes, I'm back to being the house bitch, I mean domestic goddess).

Sean- so will you watch Master and Commander with me?

Me- I don't know if I'm in the mood.

Sean- you always say that! And you're going to love it. Promise. It's boats and sailing. Probably one of the best sailing movies ever made. (Technically, it's not really about sailing, but he's obsessed with sailing).

Me- what about Pirates of the Carribean? That's the best boat movie ever made. And I do love me some Cap'n Jack.

Sean- Captain Joseph would make you Captain Jack cry like a schoolgirl.

Me- *whirling around to stare in open-mouthed awe* What??!! Did.you.just.say? Oh the blashpemy! I cannot believe that one of my offspring would ever utter such a blatantly false and reprehensible thing about their future stepfather in my prescence!! (Because one day Johnny Depp is totally going to come to his senses and whisk me away from all of this. It's a well known fact at our house.)

Sean- It's true.

Me- that's fine. Whatever. Now Daddy Johnny is for sure not buying you a sailboat of your very own.

Sean- So will you watch it?

Me- yes. ok. but don't blame me if I fall asleep. Isn't it like ten hours long or something.

Sean- No. It's not quite that long. And you're going to love it.

Guess what?? I did love it! Now Russell Crowe's no Johnny but he's a damn fine actor. And you had the added attraction of Paul Bettany. It was really well done and I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it. Do be prepared for some violence and blood though, I mean it is set during the war between France and England after all. (Which one you say? I know because there have been like a million! But the Bonaparte one. You know, short dude all right hand tucked inside his vest like he's got a really bad case of heartburn? Totally in love with Josephine. Yeah, that one. And oh look! I totally turned this into a history lesson. You can thank me later.)

So then I tell Sean that the movie was actually based on a series of books written by Patrick O'Brian. So we go to Amazon.com and there are 20 books in the series!! That would take Sean, my reluctant reader, roughly 5 years to read. But we put them on the christmas list anyway. (Take note Santa)

Have a great weekend!
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Amazing things, scary movies and lost body parts...

So I got a pretty big shock when I signed into statcounter today. (Hey! Don't give me that look people. I'm not addicted to my stats. I check them once, maybe twice a day. Possibly three times. Whatever! Stop hounding me about it. Everyone does it. And by everyone I mean some of the people I know.) Anyway, I had 132 views yesterday. WTH? I mean, I was pretty excited by my former high score of 74. How on earth did it go up so much overnight??? It's a mystery. And so is the fact that 132 people looked at my blog and only about 8 or 9 commented.

In other news, thanks to Kathryn my blog is going to be available in subscription form from Amazon.com. So conceivably, someone might buy a monthly subscription to my blog posts and have them downloaded daily onto their Kindle. How convenient?! Technology is so amazing. Almost as amazing as the fact that people read my ramblings. But as soon as it becomes available I will be emailing you all with a link and asking you to write a review. (Hands down in back, NO, there is no financial compensation for your review!) I mean seriously, I'm thinking I'm going to make about $1.20 a month off this. Which isn't even enough for coffee. But in my convoluted way of thinking...it means someone's paying me to write. (OK, like 1 bazillioneth of a cent per hour. but still!)

And in signing up for this, I may or may not have signed away one of my children, a kidney and/or my eternal soul. The legal jargon made my head spin. I guess I should have been suspicious when they asked me to prick my finger and sign with my own blood. Just Kidding (please don't come after me oh gods of amazon.com).

So, business out of the way...on to today's post. Around my house we watch alot of scary movies. Big surprise right?! I'm sure that was a big secret. Almost as big as the one about my double life as a secret agent stripper. I mean...as a secret blogger which is almost the same thing.

So we were watching a couple of scary movies on Halloween night. And you know, they make some seriously bad scary movies. Do we stop watching them? No! We do however proceed to make fun of them. Now the first one we watched was soooo bad that we couldn't even make it better with sarcasm. I know right?! That's horrible. But the second one was much enlivened by our side dialogue. And in one scene one of the rednecks has a certain part of his male anatomy chopped off as he's taking a whiz in the woods. His brother comes over to find him laying on the ground, groaning, squirting copious amounts of blood and spying the offending piece of manhood says "why's your **** way over there, Chuck?" OMG! I was rolling. It has now become the most quoted line from the movie, mainly because every so often Sean or I will look at one another and say it. Causing both of us to collapse in giggles and greatly confusing people who have not seen the movie. Which seems to be basically everyone else on the planet. Also in this movie a witch is stealing the last baby tooth from children, hoarding them and then killing the children, thus somehow dooming their souls to forever wander the earth until they get their teeth back. One of the ghost girls enlists the help of the little girl who's come to stay at the witch's house. (obviously no one knows a 140 year old tooth stealing witch is hiding out in the basement). So Sean's new dialogue for this is:

little girl: oh no! the witch stole my tooth! now she's going to kill me!
ghost girl: wait! I have a plan on how to get our teeth back and kill the witch! *and it almost worked last time! and if it doesn't work this time oh well. guess you'll be a ghost like me.*

So I start joking around and tell Sean that I tried to trade his soul for stuff all the time. And this conversation ensues~

hubby: yeah, your mom's always trying to trade you kid's souls for other things. And it's not even good stuff.

Sean: what? You'll trade me for a flat tire? Gee thanks! What a deal!

hubby: No. The worst was those magic beans. Turns out they weren't magic after all. They were just soybeans. And she came home all excited too.

Then another movie where the characters are trapped in this haunted hotel, and the main female character has just caught her boyfriend playing "you show me yours, I'll show you mine" with her best friend is sitting on the stairs with her best guy friend and he comes up with a plan to appease the vengeful spirit. Sean came up with this alternate dialogue:

girl: maybe you're right. maybe giving back the locket will appease the ghost.
guy: are you crazy? I just said that crap to get into your pants. I don't want to go anywhere near that ghost! We need to haul butt and get ourselves out of here!

I didn't give titles to or links for any of those movies. Trust me they are ones to skip. Unless you have us to make up alternate dialogue for you. =]

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