I'm just a blogger...

So let's just be up front honest and truthful here...it took me a long time and alot of therapy to learn not to base my self worth on the opinion of others. That they're approval didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. That I was the only one I was responsible too and that likeing myself was far more productive than wanting everyone else to like me. I was a serious "people pleaser". I stopped blaming my parents for my woefully inadequate sense of self esteem because well, they're just human and parents do the best they can at the time. So in conclusion, I do not blame my parents for the low self esteem I once had, my intense need to be liked, or anything else. But they also don't get the credit for the amazing self confidence, my comfort in my own skin, or my "I could care less what you think" attitude. I worked hard for those and they are all mine. And with any luck, I fostered those same qualities in my children. However, in Sean's case I may have "overdid".

So bearing all of that in mind...we begin our story...

The other day I received an email from Kathryn asking if I'd checked on my Kindle subscriptions lately. She said that I was ranked higher than she was (how this happened, neither of us can figure out because she has a gazillion followers) so I must have some subscriptions. Well, I really hadn't expected much to come out of the Kindle subscriptions so I hadn't checked in well, like, ever. In fact it had been so long I totally forgot my password. So once I went through the total hullabaloo of changing my password, ect., I logged on and wow! I did have Kindle subscriptions! People were ordering my blog!!! I did the happiest of happy dances (which is also probably the most goofy of happy dances) and happily replied back to Kathryn, that yes, I did indeed have subscriptions. And then I sat in happy, yet stunned silence. As there was no one else home at the time, I cradled my pride quietly in my arms and grinned like an absolute idiot. Someone thought enough of my writing to pay (okay, so it's not much, but any amount is more than free) to view my ramblings. To me, that says "paid writer" all over it. And you cannot (well, maybe you other aspiring writers can) imagine how encouraging this turn of events is, nor how inspiring. Thank you to all of my readers, but thank you thank you thank you to the nameless faceless masses who subscribe via Kindle. Okay, there's not really enough subscribers to be called "masses" but it's called poetic license. Work with me here people. And the best part...I don't even know anyone (besides Mark) who has a Kindle so it can't be like, you know, just my friends and family!

So here's happy little me, dancing around my kitchen as I prepare supper. The guys come in from hunting and I announce "Y'all ought to avoid the rush and start worshipping me now. You know, before I get famous". (This was also my FaceBook status of the day.) They of course just kind of chuckle because they are used to me being a drama queen. But then I explain, and they are appropriately awed and encouraging. I tell Lu later that night and she too is ecstatic for me. My friend J? Also Encouraging. So the next day I call my folks to check in with them. And I casually drop my big news into the conversation with my Dad. And I say "so now, I'm officially a paid writer". And he says "No you're not. You're just a paid Blogger." Um. The hell?! There's a difference?? He proceeds with "you don't think you're like Stephen King or anything, right?". Um. NO. DUH. He's Stephen freakin King. But how is writing my blog for readers and subscribers different from an essayist in a magazine? I write, I edit, I spend a frankly astonishing amount of time and thought on my blog. And he says "well, when you're published in a magazine, let me know." AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! I wanted to bang my head on my desk. It just brought rushing back all of the "it's never quite good enough" feelings of inadequacy. Like when I'd bring home a report card filled with A's and one lone B and I'd hear "what happened here?" instead of "Oh my god...you're a genius". But then I breathed in deeply through my nose ten times and changed the subject. Then I called my sister. When I told her, she was almost as excited as I had been. I told her Dad's reaction. She said he was kidding. I said, no he was in fact quite serious. She said well maybe he didn't have a firm grasp on blogging. That he & mom had only ever read our joint blog and it wasn't the same. That was just like letters to each other while this blog was more "professional". (Frankly, I have no idea what she means but I'll roll with it.) When I hung up I went to fix supper (man, do I ever do anything else??) and hubby came in and asked why I seemed angry. So I told him. And he laughed. And then I laughed. Because you know what? It makes no difference. I know what I do and it's good enough for me. And nobody is stealing my sense of validation. Nobody. And someday, when I am published by my father's standards, I'll think "in your face buddy", but of course I won't say it, because I'm completely sure that it won't quite be good enough.

♥Spot

Can you put that on a t-shirt?

OMG! I think I finally finished catching up. Maybe. I've spent hours the last two days reading and commenting and reading and trying to catch up on all the posts I've missed over the last four days. If I missed one of yours or failed to comment or something, please accept my humble apologies. It was purely accidental not an intentional slight. Pinkie swear!

So as a NaNoWriMo update...yeah I didn't get to 50,000 words by the deadline. But that's okay with me. I had way too much going on in November to try to do that. I did accomplish something I had never been able to do before and that was to actually start a novel. I put more words on paper than ever before. I got into it. And that is valuable to me. I won't just let it go. I will finish this novel. Because I love the main character and I love the story (okay, there's totally something perverse about loving a scary novel where there's such blatant evil, but that's how I roll). So I am totally on track. I won't get much writing time in December due to Christmas and apparently my birthday is turning into something of a big deal. Also I'd like to spend some time polishing some short stories and getting them submitted. But I will finish it. So thank you NaNoWriMo for what you did give to me, a swift kick in the pants to set me on the journey that is writing a novel. Oh and next year...yeah, I'm kicking your ass NaNoWriMo...so be ready.

My bday? Apparently, my sister wanted to come here, but can't so my children are sending me there. Sean and I are going to drive up the weekend before my bday and stay a couple of days. I was totally prepared to let my entrance into the next decade of my life slide quietly by with maybe a pedicure or haircut to celebrate. Apparently, that is not to be. My sister is railroading a celebration. I guess I'm down with that. I mean who doesn't like a celebration? Especially as I've been promised a peppermint chocolate chip shake from Chick-fillet. Wild, huh? We don't have one of those anywhere near us and we saw a commercial. I believe my eyes glazed over in delight and so Hildi promised me one for said bday. And if I add Vodka when I get back to her house? Even better baby. Plus it's another road trip with Sean. You can bet I'll be stocked with some serious blogging material. Lu tried to get off but no luck. C'est la vie! (Sean and I are getting ready to learn French...so I'm practicing).

Okay, so Hildi and I played a game while she was here. I read a blog the other day that was talking about a woman wearing an Edward (from Twilight) tshirt. I said I would wear a Stephen King tshirt. I would wear it until it had holes in it! I was thinking of one with his face on it (duh) but Hildi started making up ones with sayings on them. Things from his books. Then we started laughing because only hardcore fans like our family would even know what the reference was to. So people would stare at us. Which would of course, be half the fun. So in the interest of fun on a Monday (totally alien concept I know!) I'm giving you a quiz...guess the book that the saying refers too. Email me your answers and don't forget to vote on your favorite one. I'm totally going to have it made into a tshirt.

1. I hear the shells.
2. I survived Chester Mills.
3. I got bitten in the 'Lot.
4. Here's Johnny!
5. Duddits vs. Mr. Grey and the Shit Weasels
6. Redrum
7. I'm a fan of sideways thinking
8. Don't piss off your fans.
9. Nice doggy.
10. I buy ghosts online.*

*this one is actually from his son's book. It's like a bonus. =]

So there you go. If you feel like playing, please do. If you don't, it's okay to shake your head and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Lots of people do!

mondays & superfandom,
♥Spot

Effective fighting 101

Soooo, I had a fight with one of my closest friends last night. Yeah, it was Sean. We were sprawled on the family room couch watching Stargate Universe. He was kinda cranky from being up since 2:30 am (read here to find out why). And I was still a little cranky from being sick and from my discoveries yesterday of just how bad my men suck at doing the chores I ask them to do. The two of us cranky at the same time is never a good thing. So there we are, engrossed in our show...when one of the cats (the half paranoid totally hinky one, Axel) jumps up on the side of the couch, lands on the remote and shuts the satellite off. We both utter "shit" very loudly, I frantically reach for the remote and Sean goes after the cat. Now, I'm not sure what his intentions were exactly, but this cat (even after a year in our household) spooks easy and she freaks and leaps on my neck with all of her claws out! Needless to say, I howled in pain. And rounded on Sean all "The hell?? Thanks a bunch!" and instead of just saying "I'm sorry" you know, like a normal person, he says "I didn't know she'd do that" Really?? Because that's pretty much how she reacts to any sudden movement. And I say "well it didn't help any. It didn't get the satellite back on faster because I had to grab my bleeding neck and dropped the remote." and he argued with me. And did not apologize. And then escalated into both of us trying to shout over the other one (because, that's what we do) until I huffily grabbed my stuff and told him I wasn't going to sit in there with him when he was being a jerk.

So I went into the living room and flopped onto the couch next to hubby. "What's going on?" he asked. And I said "Your son is being a jerk. All I wanted was a freakin 'I'm sorry'. How hard is that? He can never admit he's done something wrong." And hubby just said "huh". Then asked if my show was over. I said no. And then he very generously offered me the remote and said he wasn't really watching anything anyway. So I got my show. But then he fell asleep. And snored. Loudly. And the TV in the living room is much smaller. And farther away. And its a bigger space and the couch is in front of the drafty window. So I was cold. And as I huddled in my corner of the couch, I had an epiphany. Next time I decide to get huffy and make a dramatic exit, maybe I should think about who I'm really punishing. Because Sean got to stay in there all warm and comfy with the cats and watch the big screen. Plus, sometimes I don't get stuff on Stargate and he has to explain it because he's a science whiz and he's watched the previous series so he knows what's going on. So I'm pretty sure I'm the one who suffered. Dammit.

But we're cool this morning. Because that's how we fight. We get mad, we blow up on each other, one of us walks away in a snit (okay, that's usually me) and we retreat to our separate corners. Then after we both cool off, we just go back to business as usual. I know it sounds counter productive, but after the cool off period there's a window of time that we converse rationally and solve things. So it works for us.

So I'm not really sure why I blogged all this. Maybe just because it was on my mind. Maybe as an example of how not to fight. Maybe just to prove that I'm not a perfect parent (you know, just in case anyone was laboring under that mistaken assumption).

On another note...I totally finished the SK book!! Have I mentioned lately how great of an author he is and how I totally worship him from afar. Even if he kills off characters I've come to love and makes me cry. Even if it took me a little over a whole week to finish that book and made the carpal tunnel in my left wrist act up and my wrist ached from holding that book because it weighs 4 freakin pounds!!! It was all worth it.

Have a great weekend,
♥Spot

Why did they have to make 7 am so flippin early?

So here I am up at the ungodly hour of 7 A.M. Why? Why you ask. Why would you drag your oh so tired butt out of bed at that hour of the morning? The answer my friends is simple. I do it for you. I have a wedding to attend this afternoon and you know what that means? Oh yeah, a wedding reception tonight. And we all know how that goes around here. And if you're new to my blog and missed the last wedding I attended, you can read about it here. I don't know if this wedding will top that one, but I'm sure it's going to try. And I wanted to get my posting done before my day really started.

Which is why I am up at 7 am. This is the time my hubby gets up on weekends. So I shut off the alarm, grumble something about coffee and head for the bathroom. Finished there, I shuffle to the kitchen where coffee is brewing, but not done. And my hubby has just finished feeding the cats. The following conversation (if you can call it that) ensues...

Hubby: So someone missed a feeding and we're back to opening a can of cat food at night.

Me: hmphy;ljysdjf?

Hubby: I just want to remind you that Special Kitty cans don't go in the recycling. They get thrown away.

Me: the only can I put in recycling lately was a Friskies.

Hubby: You mean 9 Lives?

Me: No. Friskies.

Hubby: well it's Special Kitty that's in the cabinet now.

Me: *huffily opening the cabinet and pulling out a Friskies can* Friskies!!

Hubby: Well the one I pulled out today was Special Kitty.

Me: Yes, because I bought those in the 4-pack but they don't like the same food all the time so I intermixed some Friskies cans and are we done here?! *imagine my voice rising to a whine at the end*

Hubby: Just don't put the wrong cans in the recycling. (So apparently 9 Lives and Special Kitty cans are not made of aluminium but some kind of radioactive teflon coated kryptonite or something because this is the only reason I can come up with for him yelling at me about something so ridiculous this early in the morning)*

Me: I'm going to go write now before the voices force me to hurt you. *shuffles off to cave*

*In my hubby's defense, he probably wasn't yelling, but did I mention it was 7 freakin A.M. and that I am not a morning person? And he tried to make it up to me by bringing me coffee when it was done??

The Stephen King book is phenomenal. I stayed up way too late last night reading. I don't know how he creates so many well fleshed out characters. This must be where the index cards and post-its come in handy because half the time I have to page back through the novel I'm writing to remember what I named a character. Next time I write a novel, I think I might have to make a better system first. I'm up to over 14,000 words. Not where I need to be but I'll catch up. Lulu read it when she came home the other day and when she got done she was all "OMG. That's just creepy! Do you know what's going to happen? Because there seems to be a lot of foreshadowing." Of course I know what's going to happen. Kind of. I have a general idea when I sit down and then it just comes out. Like my brain thinks about it on autopilot all the time and I don't even realize it. And you have to foreshadow. It's my favorite writer tool thing. Anyway, I just wanted her to make sure it flows and apparently it does. Yay!

But back to Stephen King...I'm on page 185 and the death toll is rising. Muahahaha. It's a pretty interesting concept he's using. And I just wonder how he came up with it. I wonder if he ever wonders how other people come up with things? Like when 30 Days of Night came out. Was he all Vampires. In Alaska. Where it stays dark for 30 whole days. Genius!!! Because that's how I was.

Went to dinner with a group of friends and family last night. Then we went to see 2012. It was nonstop edge of your seat the entire time! And the special effects were ah-mazing! I really liked the movie. My friend Brandi said she hated it because she was so nervous through the whole thing. My friend Roxy had an even worse reaction. She really doesn't handle disaster movies well apparently. But my family loved it!

Okay, gotta go...but in the interest of foreshadowing...the wedding tonight? Let's just say that one of the women who will be there tried to get her hands on my man a couple of years ago. If she so much as looks in his direction...there may be trouble. And you'll get to hear all about it tomorrow. Who's got bail money?? Just kidding...I like my revenge way more subtle...

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It's freakin Thursday already?

Lately my days have blended together and flown by. I think it's because I spend so much time right here in front of my computer. If I'm not showing some bloggy love, I'm working on the novel. It's crazy. Yesterday I had to take an enforced break from writing and go to town. (I'm pretty sure I had withdrawal symptoms). I had to take a "stress test". Um. Let me just say that was probably the most not fun I've had since last Tuesdays trip to the ER with Lulu. But you can read all the funny about it over at G & H. Then I had to grocery shop. Now, usually I kinda like grocery shopping. But is it just me, or have the prices of every little thing gone up again? Then I came home and there were groceries to put away, a refrigerator that I swear I'd grown penicillin in, laundry to do, and then my guys expected some supper. A friend called and when I answered the phone~

J: I didn't know if you'd answer. I thought you might be writing.

Me: No. I just got home from the store. I'm actually doing laundry.

J: Oh. I guess you still have to do your other job.

Me: Well yeah, until I can afford someone else to do it for me.

And then after dinner, I chose to sit on the couch and snuggle my extremely neglected husband for awhile. He responded with "What's your name again? And you do know I'm married, right?" He's such a funny guy. Or sarcastic bastard. One of the two. So today it's back to the dungeon for me. I need to crank out about 5000 words. And two blog posts. And clean straighten my house. So without further ado...Spread the word Thursday....

First shout out to Amazon.com, UPS, and Stephen freakin King. Because around 5:30 last evening a huge truck pulled up in my drive. I'd forgotten to turn on the outside lights and it was way dark already so all I could see were the lights. So I headed to the front door and opened it and it was my UPS guy (did I ever mention how adorable he is? If not, well he so is) and he handed me...Under the Dome, Master King's newest book. O.M.G. It was like my birthday and Christmas all rolled into one, I was that freakin excited. But I was a good girl. Kind of. I didn't open the box or peek at the book or read the first 80 pages until four hours later. Four whole hours people!!! Let me just say...it's going to be a great book. And a ginormous distraction.

Funniest read of the week? Well a tie again:

1. The Blogess. Japan. Part one of I-don't-even-know-how-long-this-will-be. Normally I don't include her in my game because everything she writes is laugh out loud pee your pants funny. But she outdid even herself this time. Also she has several thousand readers so she doesn't need my help. And, if you should decide to pick up stakes and follow her instead of me, *sigh* well I'd totally understand.

2. Happy Meals and Happy Hour. The One Where The Kid Walks In On Us. I'm pretty sure we can all relate. And laugh.


That's all I got peeps. Have a good Thursday. See you tomorrow.
♥Spot

My new and fabulous idea...

Okay...so the whole "awards" thing got me to thinking. Scary, right? I know! Why do we have to wait for an award to recognize good blogs? Or anything for that matter. So "spread the word Thursday" was born. Every Thursday from now on I'm going to "spread the word". No, not like the word of God or anything. Mostly because he really doesn't talk to me. And also because there are soooo many people already doing that. Nope, I'm going to link to my favorite blog of the week that day. And it would be awesome if others did this as well. Because it would give your readers a chance to go see another truly awesome blog and also because it would give someone a nice recognition. If nothing has struck your fancy this week in the blog world...feel free to shout out a great book, movie, TV show. Anything. I don't have a fancy button thingy yet...but I'm working on it, okay? (Geez you people expect so much...)

So...here are my shoutouts:

Amazon.com for letting me pre-order Stephen King's upcoming book Under the Dome set up for release in November for only $9!!! For real. I got free shipping too. I cannot possibly tell you how freakin excited this makes me. Let's just say I was jumping up and down and clapping my hands at midnight the other night!

Heather, my bloggybuddy, for her amazing post. Not only is there a great spooky story, but also pictures of Stephen King's house. Go Heather!!!

And my friend Brandi who wanted to go to the haunted house last night. And then once we got there had to be drug in (even though I'd already plied her with peach margaritas for courage). She was like "this is a stupid idea! who's idea was this?! And I'm like "um...yours! You're going in!" And so she did. We volunteered my hubby for the lead, then me, then her, then her hubby brought up the rear. She hid her face in my sweater the entire time yelling "I'm not looking!" True story. It wasn't even that scary. My hubby jumped once. And I mostly giggled. At Brandi. The scariest part was when they forgot to open a door so we accidentally went into this little walkway which was pitch black and a dead end. So we were stuck in a very small space in the dark. That bothers me. Eventually a guy with a light rescued us. But not until we banged on the walls looking for an exit for awhile. I'm sure they were laughing at us. It was a good time.

So, let me know what you think of the idea. Play along if you want to. I'll try to make a cool button or something.

♥Spot

Kreativ? Who Moi?

Actually, whoever thought up the spelling for this award is the creative one. But I'm just happy they made the award, and someone was nice enough to pass it to me to worry about why they spell funny or go all grammar Nazi like Amber on them. So without further ado~ The Kreativ Blogger award~



What I'm supposed to do is write 7-10 facts about me then pass the “Kreativ Blogger’ award on to other favorite bloggers of mine. So read on...if you dare:

1.) This one's pretty obvious if you have read any of my previous blogs this month. I am addicted to all things "ghostly". I love horror fiction, horror movies, haunted houses (yes, even the cheesy man made ones), ghost tours, documentaries about the paranormal and the shows on TV. But not all of them. I looovee Ghost Hunters but not Ghost Adventures. I will even watch grade "B" horror movies just because I am so addicted. October is by far my favorite month and Halloween my favorite Holiday. I can give you a lecture on it's beginnings, traditions and whatnot. One day I'm going to do an overnight lock in and one of America's most haunted locations. I even found a tour group that does them! Woot woot!

2.) I believe firmly in reincarnation. I know this seems to go with number one, but it really doesn't. I have this strong belief for two reasons #1 was a dream I had once that was so vivid and lifelike I woke up crying and missing someone I had never met. #2 is because I had this amazing sense of familiarity when my family visited Scotland as a teen. I could pick things out, tell where we were and just felt like I'd "come home" the whole time I was there. #3 is because of my youngest son. He spoke accurately and with great detail about his sheep farm he used to have in the Australian outback when he was three. Right down to how his daughter broke her arm and the helicopter had to come to take her to the hospital because it was so far away. At 3!! He would walk around in his little cowboy boots shaking his head and looking confused and saying "I'm a stranger around here". It was eerie. We were briefly involved in a study that the University of NC was doing at the time.

3.) I hate red stuff. Drinks, candy, food. Not a fan of the red stuff. I only eat green, orange and yellow Starburst or Skittles. I won't touch the purple, pink or red ones. I don't drink red Kool-aid. Or eat red licorice or lifesavers or cough drops. I don't know why I have this odd aversion. But I do. There are some notable exceptions...I love "Fruit Juicy Red" Hawaiian Punch. I eat ketchup every now and then. I love marinara. And I love red wine. Weird, huh?

4.) I have Fibromyalgia and the worst immune system in the world. And yes, skeptical people Fibro is a very real disease. You can click the above link for more info. I was skeptical myself until it stopped me in my tracks and derailed my hustle bustle lifestyle. I try not to let it keep me from doing things I love but I do have to make some concessions. My body and I are engaged in a wary truce. I have a theory that this is how you differentiate people with very real chronic conditions and hypochondriacs. People with real chronic conditions try very hard to function as normally as possible, they are still sympathetic when others are in pain, and they try not to complain because they are convinced that everyone is sick of listening to that bullshit. Hypochondriacs milk any excuse to stay in bed. Tell you all about it because they want sympathy. And are quite sure that they have the worst pain/sickness/misery of anybody anywhere. I have a very low tolerance for hypochondriacs and whiners.

5.) My secret crush is...drum roll please...Stephen King. Mmmmk. So not a secret. I have read every book, article, short story, made up biography every written by him or about him. I also kind of crush on his son Joe Hill. It's not really about looks just about their fantastic minds and creative abilities. My friend Roxy went to Maine this summer and I actually asked her to take a picture of the front of his house. Unfortunately, she didn't get to. I don't even know what I would have done with it...but I still wanted it. When I see a trailers for a good scary movie I often wonder if Mr. King is anticipating that same movie. Or if he's going "why didn't I think of that?!" Crazy. Yes. Obsessed stalker fan? No...pshaw.

6.)I'm easy to please. Really. I get excited over the silliest stuff. A new movie. A new book. I love the anticipation! A pretty view. A new episode of my favorite show. A good conversation with someone. Making a new friend. A really good coupon. My cat who purrs when I just look at her. Someone else cleaning something up in the house. A snickers bar. A compliment. Really really easy to please.

7.) I'm nearly always cheery. I'm that friend people go to to get cheered up. I can find a silver lining in anything. And no matter how bad the situation, I can make you laugh. This is a choice I make. I waded through a very dark period in my life and now I make a conscious decision to look for the "happy" in everything. I allow very little time for "feeling sorry for myself". And I get angry with people who wallow in their misery. Everyone has bad stuff happen (and be sure, that someones stuff, somewhere is way worse than yours!) I think you acknowledge that stuff, give yourself a small time for grief, and go on. And happy people live longer. It's like a scientific fact. Seriously. Read this if you don't believe me.

8.) I'm not religious in an organized go to church every Sunday kind of way. I'm spiritual. I have my own beliefs and I believe in them. I don't just say them because I think I'm supposed to. I also do not try to shove them down anyone else's throat. And I don't think they are the only true beliefs. I respect everyone else's beliefs and their right to differ from mine. I love people with strong beliefs, even when they are different. Because passion for what you believe in is what gets you through tough times. Okay...except when that passion makes you strap on explosives and kill people in the name of your beliefs. That's obsession. And I can't really see any higher being condoning that. Like "that's right...you take out those non-believers!" Yeah, can't see that.

Okay...I could probably go on for days...but I'm stopping here. And passing the torch to others! My peep picks are:

1.) Mark
2.) Carolyn
3.) Danica
4.) Gay guy/Straight Guy (yes that means two separate posts!)
5.) whispering writer
6.) Heather
7.) Hildi(NO! This is not like giving it to myself! I'm giving it to Hildi, for her funny if somewhat infrequent posts!)

Thanks to everyone who wades through my oftentimes ridiculously long blogs and comments and returns! Thanks again to Amber for both of my awards. They look so pretty in my sidebar! And I can't wait to read the posts of the bloggers I chose!!!

♥Spot

PS- yes, tomorrow we're back to the scary!