The one where I get angry...

Yep. I'm angry today. I'm angry at my husband. Why? Because I love him, that's why. But he doesn't listen very well, so I'm writing him this letter. And I know he'll see it because he reads my blog.

Dear Mike,

I love you. Do you know that? You should after what we've been through the last year and a half,  the good, the bad and the hideously ugly. I've been right by your side, through it all. Sometimes for days on end.

I can't possibly let you know exactly what it was like to sit by your bedside in the ICU after the accident and wait and worry and make deals with the Universe in my head for your survival. I can't tell you what it was like to try to stay awake, convinced that something bad would happen if I closed my eyes, if for a second, I lost my focus.

I can't tell you what it was like, even after you were doing better, to be afraid to leave the hospital, to leave your side. No one told you how I'd begin to shake if I was gone longer than a half an hour. How great the need to keep you in my sight was.

I can't tell you how hard it was for me to let you out of my sight once we were back home. How scared I was to let you drive anywhere by yourself. How I sat there, staring at my phone, waiting for the text saying that you made it safely.

But I did it. You pulled through and so did I. And gradually, I learned to let it go, that I didn't have to be constantly vigilant, that it was going to be OK.

Then you got really sick in February and we did the hospital thing again. Luckily, it was over quickly and you were better, nearly overnight. And you were cranky. But I stayed there with you and I put up with your crankiness, because I was still so grateful that you were alive. Ok. Little speed bump. No big deal.

Then last weekend you got sick again. At first, I wasn't really that worried. I hated that you were feeling so bad, but I figured a night in the hospital, IV fluids and antibiotics and you'd perk up. Just like February. But it didn't happen that way. You ran a high temp for 3 days. Your white count shot up. The doctor was stumped. I was petrified.

I can't tell you what it was like to be there, again. Doing the bedside vigil and wondering if you were going to kick this thing or if it was something much more serious. You were asleep more than you were awake and you weren't real clear when you were awake. But you never knew how scared I was, because I didn't show it. And when you began to worry, I'm the one who curled up in the bed beside you and gave you a pep talk.

And you pulled through again. And you began to get sarcastic and I knew you were getting better. We came home yesterday and you slept mostly. The kids remarked that when you were awake, you were grumpy. Tell me about it. And yet, I didn't hold it against you.

So why am I angry? Because after all of this, you still refuse to take care of yourself. The doctor said that you still have the pneumonia and you were supposed to go home and rest. I'm pretty sure that didn't mean going immediately back to work this morning. Remember last night when you got up, walked from the living room to the kitchen and had a coughing fit so bad, you doubled over? Remember how you had to sleep sitting up in the chair last night, because you couldn't breathe?

And yet, this morning, you were gone before I got up and didnt' come back in to take a break for four hours. Does that sound like resting to you? Really? And so I fussed at you. And you said you hadn't done anything physical except drive around in your truck and talk to people.

Well, driving isn't resting. And talking to people is what got you into this in the first place. People have a million germs and I know for a fact that you weren't wearing a mask like you should have been. I'm pretty sure you didn't have any hand sanitizer either. You're immune system is already in a seriously weakened state and yet you insist on pushing your luck. So we had words. And I told you that next week when you're in the hospital again, I'm not going to be there. Because its not fair. Its not fair to put me in that position when you can avoid it. I told you I'd hire a babysitter to sit with you. Its an idle threat because you know I wouldn't do that. You know I'll be there.

You insisted that you'd be fine. I wondered when you developed psychic powers and the ability to know the future and why you hadn't shared that with me before. Maybe you will be fine. I hope so.

But for now, as I sit in my office, listening to you cough up a lung in the living room, I'm a tad on the skeptical side. So I'm not speaking to you. Because its not fair to yourself, its not fair to your job, and its damn sure not fair to the people who love you, to take risks with your health. But you don't listen. So I'm saving my breath.

Love,
Me

Sorry for the rant peeps, but sometimes people need to know what you're really thinking.
♥Spot

The one where things look up...

Thought I'd blog for those of you who aren't my Facebook friends. Mike has finally rounded the corner and is feeling better. His temp hasn't gone above 100 all day. He's still got a headache and he's still wiped out, but he's feeling better. The doctor has decided to switch him to oral antibiotics and let us go home tomorrow, provided the fever stays down tonight. Fingers crossed. We're both ready to head home.

The doctors still aren't sure exactly what Mike has, but they do know what it's not. It's not cancer. (whew!) His heart is good, no infection, no leaky valves, looks strong. It's not Lyme disease, Lupus, West Nile Virus, or meningitis. *sigh of relief* The best guess? He caught a virus sometime last week, then he was exposed to strep (most likely) last weekend. The two together were too much for his almost non-existent immune system, and quickly ran rampant through his body. While in the hospital, he also developed pneumonia. But after all of the antibiotics and antivirals, he's finally recovering. He won't be up to speed for another several days, (and if he tries to be- I will duct tape him to the couch- for real- I'm not playing around here) but at least he'll be home.

So here are a few funny episodes from our hospital stay:

After we finally get to our room, at 11pm Saturday night~

Me: Boy, the coyotes sure are...*trails off*

Mike: *stares at me*

Me: That's a siren, isn't it?

Mike: Yep.

The nurse asking Mike questions during admin~

Nurse: So how did all this start?

Mike: *mumbles*

Nurse: *looks at me*

Me: *translates* It's cool, I speak mumble.

And after too many days trapped in a tiny room together~

Mike: I'm just going to warn you, I'm feeling really grumpy and whiny today.

Me: And I'm just going to warn you, that if get too bad, they'll be picking linen fibers out of your nose at your autopsy.

Nurse: (who happened to walk in during conversation) *gasps*

Me: Just kidding. I don't get to collect the insurance money if I kill him.

Nurse: *still looking at me like I've lost my mind*

Please keep your collective fingers crossed that all goes well and we are home tomorrow! And thank you for the many good wishes and positive thoughts and prayers. I love you guys.

♥Spot

The one where I can't seem to put it behind me...

So um. This is probably going to be completely random because I have no idea what I'm going to blog about. I had fifty thousand post ideas until I actually sat down at my computer and my mind went blank. So here I am staring at the blank screen and randomly typing.

Today is the 6 month mark from Mike's accident. He's doing great. He still has some occasional shoulder pain and he still doesn't have his stamina quite back but he's doing amazing for someone who almost died. He still says he only remembers bits and pieces of things after the accident. I have full recall of the entire day. Sometimes I wish I didn't. I can't pass a red truck without feeling a chill snake it's way down my spine. Every time anyone leaves the house I worry til I know their safe. If I start to say something and don't or if I don't get a chance to say "I love you" before they leave I spend hours freaking out, thinking what if something happens, will they know I loved them? It's ridiculous really, but I can't stop it. Even writing this I find myself tearing up. I have flashbacks to that trauma room and my husbands bruised and bloody body. He seems to have put it out of his mind for the most part. I wonder why I can't?

On a happier note- Lu's pregnancy is going really well. Other than the fatigue (you ladies know what I'm talking about- that bone weary tiredness of the first trimester), she hasn't had much trouble. Some headaches and passing nausea, but overall she's super healthy and doing great. I should take a picture of her baby bump to post. She sees the doctor for the first time on Wednesday and we're hoping they will be able to determine her due date for sure. Emotionally she's got a lot going on. She wants to have the first appointment be just her and I and the baby daddy is pressuring her to let him come too. I'm not sure why he can't seem to respect her wishes on this. Technically she doesn't have to let him come to any appointments but she's promised he could come to some. She's also helping a friend who's been through rehab for alcoholism and just got out.

Sean is, well, Sean. I haven't seen him much these last few weeks because he's got his father's work ethic. He had pneumonia and only missed one day of work. Then he stayed late several times to make up the missed hours. Then he took on a couple of side jobs with a friend. Between all that and his Lodge duties, he's gone a lot. I miss him. He's the one I can count on to lighten my mood. Lizzie (his "not" girlfriend) did visit with us over her Thanksgiving break and we all enjoyed that. Lu made us (and when I say "made" us, I mean MADE us. She's like the family game night Nazi) play games that night. Personally, I wish they'd drop the "not" status and just go back to dating. Sean found "the whole happy meal" in Lizzie and I like that she gives shit right back to him when he's dishing it out. Lu has asked them to be her baby's godparents.

And me? Well, I'm working on Christmas stuff. I'm unusually ahead of the game this year. My shopping is nearly done, I'm starting my craft projects tomorrow, and I may wrap some today. I'm usually a last minute Christmas girl so I'm feeling pretty proud. My folks and sisters family will be coming here for Christmas, so I do have some carpet shampooing and cleaning to do. And I have to get it all done because I'm having my gallbladder out on the 30th. That conversation went like this.

*I'd seen the surgeon (yes, the same one who did Mike and Lu's surgeries. He's probably going to get to go on vacation from the money he's made on us this year!) And the nurse comes in*

Nurse: Doctor wants to take that out right away. He said tomorrow but we don't have any openings. How about next Thursday the 9th?

Me: Um. No can do. We have a wedding to go to on the 11th and a banquet.

Nurse: How about the next week. The 16th?

Me: Nope. Mike's work Christmas party.

Nurse: The 23rd?

Me: You're kidding right?

Nurse: *blank stare*

Me: I'm having company for Christmas. How about the 30th?

Nurse: But the doctor said right away.

Me: I've been in pain for months now. I'm pretty sure I can handle 29 more days. So the 30th works. Book it.

I know that my family would have been okay with a messy house and pizza for Christmas dinner. But I would never have healed enough to be able to have CJ home. This way I get Christmas out of the way, enjoy every one's visits and then take care of me. That's how we Mom's do it, right?

Hope you all are having an excellent month. If you have snow, send it my way. I'm ready for some!

♥Spot

The one where I reassure you that I'm still alive...

Yes indeed I am still alive for those of you who are wondering. I do apologize sincerely for not posting even somewhat regularly lately. And for not reading and commenting and knowing what's also going on in your lives. The last two weeks have been hectic and stressful and some days I just don't have the brain power left to post. So this is a quick update.

Mike is still doing well after being released to go back to work. He did end up with an infection in his finger where the stitching had left a hole. And we saw an orthopedic doctor about the shoulder pain he's had since the accident. The doctor wants an MRI.

Sean won his election yesterday. He's now the chief of the OA Lodge. Yes it is an honor and also a huge responsibility. I know, without a doubt, he'll live up to the challenge. And besides, he has an awesome speech writer (me). He starts his first college courses on Monday. I think I'm more excited than he is.

Molly had a blood test Monday and her platelets had only climbed to 122,000 after the IVIG. It was very disappointing that they didn't get boosted more. On Friday we went back to her hematologist to find that they had dropped to 93,000. The IVIG was not doing it's job. The doctor put her on a high dose of steroids to hopefully boost them up for the surgery Tuesday. The continued dropping and non response to treatment has me very worried. Her hemoglobin is also down. He's convinced that the two are not related and that the low hemoglobin is just iron deficiency anemia. But she's already on a high dose of iron twice a day. I'm not one to ask for prayers but any love, positive thoughts, prayer, or good karma that you can throw our way would be greatly appreciated on Tuesday and beyond.

And me? Well, I'm exhausted, stressed, slightly grumpy and the knee is giving me trouble. And I'm currently without my best friend. My computer is having issues and is unusable. I'm borrowing Mo's laptop and it's a civil relationship at best. I miss my computer. The good news is I backed up all my writing online and pictures on SD cards. Somedays I'm smarter than the average bear.

So here's just a few random items:

*Mike got an awesome new work truck. Like the last one, only better. And thank god it's dark blue and not red. I would have flipped out. I still get trauma room flashbacks and hate when he drives off camp property alone.

*Thursday night I dreamed I got a rejection notice on one of the stories I currently had out on submission...guess what was in my email inbox Friday morning. How come prophetic dreams are always about bad stuff?!

*Mo's Luke got a job at Applebees and likes it.

*I'm going to a writer's conference in Ohio the end of the month (provided Mo is doing okay) and my sister Hildi is going with me!!

*We have to be at the hospital for Mo's surgery at 6 am on Tuesday morning. Are they freakin serious?? Apparently they are.

*I haven't written a single word on my fiction works for almost a month. That's no way to treat your career. Luckily I'm (just barely) managing to keep up with my freelancing. And that's only because I need the paycheck.

*When Mo was getting her infusions, the pastors from my Grandmother's church stopped in on different days. One is older and always tells a joke. The other is young and very personable. The young one and I had this conversation-

Him: Well God always has a plan even if we don't know what it is.

Me: so everything happens for a reason, right?

Him: Yes.

Me: when Mike was in the hospital someone told me that God never gives you more than you can handle.

Him: that's right.

Me: (leaning in conspiratorially) well, just between you and me, I think he may have seriously overestimated my capabilities.

Him: No, he just has faith in you.

Me: I think he may have too much faith.

So friends, bloggy buds, tweeples, bear with me. I am certain things have to slow down. And I will be taking the laptop to the hospital with me while I stay with Mo. I'll post updates when I can. Take care of yourselves and be good to one another in my absence. You are all in my heart and thoughts.

Always,
♥Spot

The one where I want to throw in the towel...

Alright Universe, you win, I give, now quit the crap! First, let me apologize to my faithful readers for leaving you hanging and for not getting to comment on anyone else's blog. I've lost two Kindle subscribers (go on, desert me while I'm down, rude!) but gained two followers. Weird, huh? Anyway, hello new followers! I'm normally funny and consistent, I promise.

So, here we are roughly five weeks after Mike's accident. He's doing well. Very well for someone who almost died. And let's not mince words, he did almost die. And sometimes I still have flashbacks to that trauma room in the ER and I shudder. Luckily for him, he doesn't remember that part. But he does remember coming to after the accident and being stuck in the truck and unable to breathe. But it's not so bad. Because those are the memories that make us realize he almost wasn't here any longer. Those are the memories that remind us to be thankful. The memories that remind us to be grateful for one another.

The surgeon says he's healing great and he doesn't need to see him anymore. The GI doctor cleared him. The kidney specialist doesn't need to see him for three months. Ah, but the medical doctor. He's the one who won't let him go back to work just yet. (Thank you Dr. Andrews!) Mike's doing well except for a funny little drop in blood pressure. Forty points to be exact. His BP drops forty points when he stands up and his heart rate increases the same, making him a prime candidate for another fainting episode. Remember the last one? Yeah, me too. Let's not do that again! So he took back his driving privileges and said he had to have supervision at all times. He's not a happy camper. In fact, he argued with the doctor, who then told him he was acting like one of his kids. (This does explain where Molly gets it from). In the end, the doctor won, of course. But I got to listen to Mike complain and bluster about it. It was then that I realized thinking I'd never get annoyed with my husband again, may have been a tad unrealistic. And then we had this conversation~

Me: So this is what I'm getting from all this...you are so bored spending time with me and can't wait to get back to work and away from me. That all that time I spent helping to keep you alive and healing was for nothing because you don't care if you go back to work too soon and have an accident. Nothing matters except what you want and that since you didn't get you're way, you're going to behave like a 5 yr old.

Mike: I really don't understand how you can twist things like that. What kind of mind do you have? I don't mean any of that! Except maybe the not getting my way part.

Me: Whatever. I see how it is. You can just start taking care of yourself again buster.

Mike: I'm sorry sweetie honey punkin-poo (um. okay, so did anyone just throw up in their mouths a little? He only uses this name when he knows he's in deep sh*t) I'm just so bored and ready to get back to work.

Me: Mentally yes. Wait for the physical to catch up please. Two weeks and you see him again.

Then there's Lu. Poor Lu. I waver between deep sympathy for her and extreme frustration. She wants to schedule her disease around her life and it doesn't work that way. Sometimes you have to schedule your life around your disease. She went in for her first IVIG infusion Tuesday. Her platelets had dropped further to 78,000. We had been told that the infusion would take about four hours. Well, it took six. But they give her tylenol and benadryl before hand so she slept for the first 3 hours. But then she was angry that it took so long, when she wanted to get back to camp. It's staff week at the camp she works at and she hated taking time off. The next day she had a severe headache and nausea. They gave her meds for it when we went in for the infusion and since she'd done well the day before, they got to go a little faster and it only took four hours. But that night she started running a 101 degree fever, severe headache, nausea, stiff neck, kidney pain, aching legs and rash. I called the doctor first thing in the morning.

Here's where it gets stupid...the doctor's office made me bring her in to their office. She had blood taken first and then luckily they took pity on her and got her back to a room with a bed so she could lay down. The doctor came in finally and examined her and then said it was all side effects from the IVIG. No Sh*t Sherlock!! I told you guys that on the phone. You made me drag her in here for that revelation?! Then he says to take her home and give her tylenol. For real genius?! Tylenol? Yeah, so I've already done that because it's not my first day wearing the Mom hat. It did nothing for her. So after much discussion, he ordered painkillers and nausea meds. Hello waste of time. Couldn't that have been accomplished over the phone?? You know, while my child was sleeping in her own bed?

The good news was that her platelets were up to 145,000 so the IVIG is working. Hopefully it will buy her four weeks of higher counts. Next blood test on Thursday. When they do the IVIG next month they said they would stretch it out over 5 days in hopes of reducing some of the reaction. Hopefully that works. Luckily, she's better, only a much less intense headache has hung on. She did see the surgeon and set up a date for the splenechtomy. August 17th. Unfortunately, it will be a full surgery, not laparoscopy. So there will be a smallish scar under her left ribs. The surgeon has promised to make it as pretty as possible, no railroad Frankenstein thing like her Dads. Lol. But she will be in the hospital for 5-6 days and have a 4 week recovery.

And then, there are the results of my MRI. Guess who gets to schedule her surgery sometime when everyone else is doing well? Yep, me. Turns out my meniscus is torn. And the chrondomalacia is severe. The doctor asked how I was walking around on my knee without chewing on painkillers all the time. I told her no one sent me the memo where I had a choice?! Anyway, hopefully it will get taken care of in September. Seems like a relatively easy surgery compared to the others. Two small incisions on either side of my knee to remove torn part of the meniscus and shave away some of that roughened cartilage on the back of my kneecap. Maybe that knee won't make that grinding noise anymore! And then a week on crutches and I'm good to go.

Well, I wouldn't want to leave you thinking we've had only bad news this week. So in the good news category: We had an awesome 4th of July with my sister and her family. Great food, swimming, and some small fireworks for the girls. Kids and sparklers are so much fun! Sean got his class schedule set and is officially a college freshman! And I got a new (used) SUV that I love. And I didn't get any rejection notices this week on the stuff I have out on submission. So there is positive. Always. And there has been funny. I promise funny next time.

Hope everyone in blogland and facebook world are doing well. Your emails, comments and well wishes are always appreciated. Even if I don't have the time (or energy) to respond, know that they make me smile.

Happy Saturday,
♥Spot