tomorrow. I have to be there at 6:30 am. Surgery at 7:30. So why am I still up and online at 10:15pm? Because I'm scared shitless. Yeah...I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm not scared of the pain after surgery. I'm not scared of the pathology results. At this point in time, there's nothing I can do about any of that except deal. I'm scared of surgery...I hate being put under. I'm really kind of a control freak and being put under is losing control. When I think about it, I hyperventilate. So, not much sleep for me tonight.
On a good note, I had a great day. My daughter and her boyfriend helped me clean the house top to bottom (since I'm not sure when I'll be capable again). My son got his driver's license. And then his girlfriend came out and we all went swimming. Then we grilled steaks and made dinner and watched a movie. It was quality time. If all goes well with my surgery, my daughter and her boyfriend leave for Texas tomorrow night. I'm so excited for her. But sad.
And just so things go my way...I packed a bag for the hospital. Because if you're prepared...you never have to stay. Spot's law.
Take care dears & I'll catch you on the flip side.
♥Spot
Showing posts with label ovarian cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ovarian cancer. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Home again. Home again. Jiggety jig.
Remember that nursery rhyme? No matter. I've just been remembering nursery rhymes lately. My son and I were rearranging them in the car. Into "slightly stoned" nursery rhymes. No. Neither of us smokes pot. We just know people who do and found the game slightly amusing. Helped pass those eight long hours of drive time. =] The trip went well. I'm so glad my children can drive now. And my daughter has made that trip with me so many times that she has it down. I can slide into the backseat and catch a few hours of shut eye while she takes the wheel. My son declined to drive, he really isn't a big fan of driving, but he's a good passenger. Keeps up a lively conversation to ensure the drivers wakefulness.
All in all it was a good trip. Any time I get to spend with my sister is good. Our closeness was a long time coming. We were close as children, since there were only the two of us, and we moved so frequently that sometimes we were each others only friend. But after I left home when she was only ten, it kind of got rocky. I wasn't there for her formative years and it seemed that the family closed ranks, with me on the outside looking in. After that, we were always at such different points in our lives, it was hard to find common ground. It's only been the last 4 or 5 years I'd call us close again, with the last 2 really cementing the bond. And I adore her girls. Not that they don't have their faults, whose kids don't? But on the whole, she's raising wonderful, loving children. And I like my kids being able to interact with their cousins. We always had a whole gang of cousins we were lucky enough to spend time with nearly every summer.
Mostly, I didn't think about my surgery too much. Except that the cyst has decided to give me pain. Now, nervous as I am about surgery...I'm welcoming it. I just want this invader gone so i can get back to my life. I hate having to cancel plans because of pain. It makes me feel like a weenie.
I enjoyed the time with my kids. My daughter and I resolved most of our issues and are once again back to being friends. It will be sad when she leaves, but I think I've got a better handle on it now. I really am excited for her to start this new adventure with her life. And thankful that she's starting it with such a great guy. And my son, well I'm busy trying to teach him to be a thoughtful boyfriend. And definitely enjoying his company. I love the young man he's becoming.
And am very excitedly looking ahead to the end of this month. August 28th to be exact. The road trip, the week in south carolina, the ocean. I can't believe we managed to get it all together. My parents, my sister and her family, my hubby and son and daughter are all heading to myrtle beach for a week. We rented a penthouse condo on the beach. We've been there twice before and I can't wait to show them around. Plus I just love the ocean. The photo in my heading is one I took myself in myrtle beach last year. Just watching it makes me happy. It renews my spirit in a way nothing else does. And I think I'm in need of some renewal.
I hope you all had a pleasant week...
♥Spot
All in all it was a good trip. Any time I get to spend with my sister is good. Our closeness was a long time coming. We were close as children, since there were only the two of us, and we moved so frequently that sometimes we were each others only friend. But after I left home when she was only ten, it kind of got rocky. I wasn't there for her formative years and it seemed that the family closed ranks, with me on the outside looking in. After that, we were always at such different points in our lives, it was hard to find common ground. It's only been the last 4 or 5 years I'd call us close again, with the last 2 really cementing the bond. And I adore her girls. Not that they don't have their faults, whose kids don't? But on the whole, she's raising wonderful, loving children. And I like my kids being able to interact with their cousins. We always had a whole gang of cousins we were lucky enough to spend time with nearly every summer.
Mostly, I didn't think about my surgery too much. Except that the cyst has decided to give me pain. Now, nervous as I am about surgery...I'm welcoming it. I just want this invader gone so i can get back to my life. I hate having to cancel plans because of pain. It makes me feel like a weenie.
I enjoyed the time with my kids. My daughter and I resolved most of our issues and are once again back to being friends. It will be sad when she leaves, but I think I've got a better handle on it now. I really am excited for her to start this new adventure with her life. And thankful that she's starting it with such a great guy. And my son, well I'm busy trying to teach him to be a thoughtful boyfriend. And definitely enjoying his company. I love the young man he's becoming.
And am very excitedly looking ahead to the end of this month. August 28th to be exact. The road trip, the week in south carolina, the ocean. I can't believe we managed to get it all together. My parents, my sister and her family, my hubby and son and daughter are all heading to myrtle beach for a week. We rented a penthouse condo on the beach. We've been there twice before and I can't wait to show them around. Plus I just love the ocean. The photo in my heading is one I took myself in myrtle beach last year. Just watching it makes me happy. It renews my spirit in a way nothing else does. And I think I'm in need of some renewal.
I hope you all had a pleasant week...
♥Spot
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Road Trips & Reminisces
So I'm nearly packed! I only have three more loads of laundry to do and dinner to cook and I can relax for the night. We leave at 7 am tomorrow morning for Ohio. It's an 8 hour trip. 8 hours on the road with my son & daughter (biologicals). Good thing I like them, eh? We will only be gone for five days, but that's enough to rejuvenate. I like to have the alone time to reconnect with them after their month of camp. And really, with my daughter, it will be the last road trip we'll take together while she lives under our roof. Strange that. And even more importantly, it may be the last trip we take together without the "C" word being a part of our lives. I honestly haven't put much more thought into that. The surgery's now a week and a half away and I think this trip will help keep it off my mind.
So I'm having some issues with my daughter leaving I guess. I thought I was doing all right with the concept, but I seem to have some unresolved anger with her. I don't know what its stemming from. We just seem to start arguing every time we try to talk. She takes offense to everything I say. Maybe it's because she already has one foot out the door. And she resents any attempt at "mothering" on my part. Maybe I'm having some abandonment issues. I wonder, do all mothers feel that way when their daughters leave? Seems like it would be normal to me.
But on to road trips...my sister and I practically grew up in the backseat of my parents car. My dad was in the Air Force so we never stayed in one place long. Inevitably there were at least to treks a year back to the Midwest to see family. One at the holidays and one in the summer. Thankfully, there were only the two of us to cram back there. Although we probably did enough fighting for three or more kids. I always liked traveling at night best. That great feeling of dozing just between asleep and awake. Caught in that twilight land, looking out the window at the night sky and then the huge sweep of lights as we'd pass a well lit interstate exit. There was even something great about stopping at the gas station, a quick trip to the restroom, then climb back into the nest we'd made of the backseat, kick off your shoes, and snuggle back down. It was comforting to be cocooned in the bubble universe of the car hurtling through the night to a familiar destination. Man I miss being a kid sometimes.
Tell me about your road trips and I'll tell you about mine...
♥Spot
So I'm having some issues with my daughter leaving I guess. I thought I was doing all right with the concept, but I seem to have some unresolved anger with her. I don't know what its stemming from. We just seem to start arguing every time we try to talk. She takes offense to everything I say. Maybe it's because she already has one foot out the door. And she resents any attempt at "mothering" on my part. Maybe I'm having some abandonment issues. I wonder, do all mothers feel that way when their daughters leave? Seems like it would be normal to me.
But on to road trips...my sister and I practically grew up in the backseat of my parents car. My dad was in the Air Force so we never stayed in one place long. Inevitably there were at least to treks a year back to the Midwest to see family. One at the holidays and one in the summer. Thankfully, there were only the two of us to cram back there. Although we probably did enough fighting for three or more kids. I always liked traveling at night best. That great feeling of dozing just between asleep and awake. Caught in that twilight land, looking out the window at the night sky and then the huge sweep of lights as we'd pass a well lit interstate exit. There was even something great about stopping at the gas station, a quick trip to the restroom, then climb back into the nest we'd made of the backseat, kick off your shoes, and snuggle back down. It was comforting to be cocooned in the bubble universe of the car hurtling through the night to a familiar destination. Man I miss being a kid sometimes.
Tell me about your road trips and I'll tell you about mine...
♥Spot
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Survey says..."optomistic".
So when I wrote that title I actually heard that host guy from "Family Feud" voice in my head. Do other people do that? Or is it just me? It's probably just me. But at least I don't talk out loud to myself. My husband does that. Omigod. It's so annoying. I just want to smack him. He says it's because he works alone all the time so he's just used to nobody being around. But like in the car, driving along, he'll just out of the blue say something, kind of quietly so I can't really hear it. So I'll ask what he said and he'll say "nothing. just thinking out loud." Gahhh! I just want to reach over and pinch him. That is seriously frustrating. I'd think maybe I was just a b**ch, but it annoys the kids as well. Sometimes I talk out loud around the house when nobody's home. But it's to the cats. Honest. They don't offer much back in the way of advice, but they are fantastic listeners!
The doctors visit went fine. He went over the ct scan, even gave me a copy. It's completely clear except of course for the thriving little community on my ovary. He says it looks so good that he's optimistic that the mass will be benign. Yay! I know there's no possible way to know for sure until the biopsy, but I refuse to spend the next two weeks worrying about it. After all, it won't change a single thing. He thinks the pain I've been having in my upper right tummy is gallbladder. He said the ct often misses stones and to keep track of it. If it continues to be a problem we'll do an ultrasound. And I finally got the ankle that's been killing me xrayed. I've been dealing with it for six months but I have so many aches and pains it seems senseless to dwell on them all. Something must be weird on the xray because the xray techs put it on the viewing thing then decided to go look at it on the monitor, then came back and asked a zillion questions. That's me...Spot...medical anomaly.
Had some drama with the kids last night. Haha...I have a houseful of teenagers, how could there not be drama?! Two of my biologicals are camp counselors this month. They do this every summer at a camp for kids with disabilities, which happens to be run at the camp we live at. So basically they spend a month in the front yard, although it's about a half mile from the house. Well, as with any camp where you have co-ed counselors, there are relationships, gossip, drama, ect. Last night, apparently, my daughter caught my son in a rather compromising position with a girl she does not like at all. Then a rather loud and public chewing out ensued. And then she texted home to tell me how awful her brother was. And how he had broken her friend's heart. Well, my hubby went down to talk to my son and get his side. And there appears to have been some miscommunication between him and said broken-hearted girl. He says the night before they stayed up for four hours talking and through the talk she kept reiterating how glad she was they'd never been more then friends. She told my daughter that she told him many times how much she liked him. ??? Seriously (aside from the compromising position, and I did not ask for details, but omg that's my baby!) this is better then "Big Brother". Lol.
Well dears, I'm off to Springfield to pick up my biological oldest from school. He's coming home for a three day visit and I am ecstatic!!! Even if the autism means he can't talk...he gives the best hugs ever.
♥Spot
The doctors visit went fine. He went over the ct scan, even gave me a copy. It's completely clear except of course for the thriving little community on my ovary. He says it looks so good that he's optimistic that the mass will be benign. Yay! I know there's no possible way to know for sure until the biopsy, but I refuse to spend the next two weeks worrying about it. After all, it won't change a single thing. He thinks the pain I've been having in my upper right tummy is gallbladder. He said the ct often misses stones and to keep track of it. If it continues to be a problem we'll do an ultrasound. And I finally got the ankle that's been killing me xrayed. I've been dealing with it for six months but I have so many aches and pains it seems senseless to dwell on them all. Something must be weird on the xray because the xray techs put it on the viewing thing then decided to go look at it on the monitor, then came back and asked a zillion questions. That's me...Spot...medical anomaly.
Had some drama with the kids last night. Haha...I have a houseful of teenagers, how could there not be drama?! Two of my biologicals are camp counselors this month. They do this every summer at a camp for kids with disabilities, which happens to be run at the camp we live at. So basically they spend a month in the front yard, although it's about a half mile from the house. Well, as with any camp where you have co-ed counselors, there are relationships, gossip, drama, ect. Last night, apparently, my daughter caught my son in a rather compromising position with a girl she does not like at all. Then a rather loud and public chewing out ensued. And then she texted home to tell me how awful her brother was. And how he had broken her friend's heart. Well, my hubby went down to talk to my son and get his side. And there appears to have been some miscommunication between him and said broken-hearted girl. He says the night before they stayed up for four hours talking and through the talk she kept reiterating how glad she was they'd never been more then friends. She told my daughter that she told him many times how much she liked him. ??? Seriously (aside from the compromising position, and I did not ask for details, but omg that's my baby!) this is better then "Big Brother". Lol.
Well dears, I'm off to Springfield to pick up my biological oldest from school. He's coming home for a three day visit and I am ecstatic!!! Even if the autism means he can't talk...he gives the best hugs ever.
♥Spot
Monday, July 27, 2009
Gahh!
My right ovary is killing me! Okay...so quite literally maybe. Hahaha. But that's not what I meant. Ever since that Dr. appt last Friday, I have been in pain. Really bad Friday, not so bad Saturday, and horrible yesterday and today. It even woke me up twice last night. I've taken Motrin and Tylenol and no dice. Still hurts. Especially if I get up and move around alot. Or if my bladder gets full. So here I sit. I'm tired too. I think I hate being this freakin tired even worse then the pain. But we did take that trip out of town and I slept poorly at my parents house. Their guest room has a queen size bed. I'm used to my king size. I'm used to not having my husband touch me when we sleep. I hate to be touched when I'm trying to sleep. I'm kind of a bitch about it too. It's ironic really. I remember when we first got together and I couldn't sleep without having some part of my body touching him. I mean we used to snuggle up in a twin bed for pete's sake. Of course that was 20 years, three kids and several pounds (for both of us) ago. Now I just prefer we have our own space. Oh we sometimes snuggle...if it's super cold for example. But once I'm warm I send him back to his side of the bed. I think I just got burnt out maybe. When our kids were little (and they are step stairs...one year between the first two and two years between #2 and #3) they would all climb into our bed in the middle of the night. And lay on me. Never him. I would wake up, look over and there he slept...peacefully. While the children were burrowed into my sides or sprawled atop me. So now...I just gotta have my space.
Okay...so here's our health care system for you...Friday I had that pre-op appointment. Well I told the doctor I thought I might have a kidney infection going on because I had a lot of left flank pain the day before and it would also explain the low grade fevers and fatigue. She said head over to the hospital and give a sample but wait an hour or so since she'd done a pelvic exam. No problem. This is at 11 am. So I have lunch with my mom, who happens to be down my way, then head to the hospital. I do the urine specimen and it's cloudy with floaters. I know from experience this is a bad thing! I've had many kidney infections. So I call the Dr.s office to let them know I'm still in town, please call my cell when they get results. And guess what...they left at noon!!! For the weekend! WTF?!! So obviously, no one is there to read the results. So I call my GP's office and explain the problem. Can they possibly look for the results and prescribe something so I don't have to wait all weekend? Um. NO. They don't read other Dr.s results. Are you flippin kidding me?! You're in the same clinic!!! So had the infection or fever worsened I would have been forced to make an ER visit over the weekend. What an incredible waste of time and money. And so frustrating.
Well that's all I got kids. Waiting on the Dr.s office to phone back and tell me I have a kidney infection and what they're gonna do about that and the pain in the ovary. Other then that I am hoping for a blessedly quiet day. With a nap if I'm lucky! =] Peace out homedogs...
♥Spot
Okay...so here's our health care system for you...Friday I had that pre-op appointment. Well I told the doctor I thought I might have a kidney infection going on because I had a lot of left flank pain the day before and it would also explain the low grade fevers and fatigue. She said head over to the hospital and give a sample but wait an hour or so since she'd done a pelvic exam. No problem. This is at 11 am. So I have lunch with my mom, who happens to be down my way, then head to the hospital. I do the urine specimen and it's cloudy with floaters. I know from experience this is a bad thing! I've had many kidney infections. So I call the Dr.s office to let them know I'm still in town, please call my cell when they get results. And guess what...they left at noon!!! For the weekend! WTF?!! So obviously, no one is there to read the results. So I call my GP's office and explain the problem. Can they possibly look for the results and prescribe something so I don't have to wait all weekend? Um. NO. They don't read other Dr.s results. Are you flippin kidding me?! You're in the same clinic!!! So had the infection or fever worsened I would have been forced to make an ER visit over the weekend. What an incredible waste of time and money. And so frustrating.
Well that's all I got kids. Waiting on the Dr.s office to phone back and tell me I have a kidney infection and what they're gonna do about that and the pain in the ovary. Other then that I am hoping for a blessedly quiet day. With a nap if I'm lucky! =] Peace out homedogs...
♥Spot
Saturday, July 25, 2009
A new day...
"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...a beautiful day..." um. yeah. I don't remember the rest of the song. It was from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Remember that show? That Mr. Rogers, now he was a cheerful guy. And he wore a sweater and keds. Hmmm. I loved that show when I was a kid. I don't know why that song popped into my head as I sat here looking out the window. I don't even live in a neighborhood. I live way out in the country. Closest neighbors are 1/4 mile away and well, to put it nicely, they're a little weird. The guy has a tendency to run around in his underwear...and let me just say- it ain't pretty. And they are not set back from the road like us. They are right on the gravel road. So every time I drive by and he's outside I chant to myself "please have pants on, please have pants on". No lie. Also, their horses get out from time to time, so you are quite likely to round the corner and come to a complete stop because there's a horse in the middle of the road. And you thought deer were bad. Haha. So then I feel honor bound to go knock on the door and let them know the horse is out. Which means occasionally I get to see Mr. No Pants and his gun. NO! Not that gun. A real gun. Yes indeed. At night, he opens the door in his underwear and holding his shotgun. Fun stuff that. You'd think he could look outside, recognize me or my car and realize I'm not a home invader. And if not put on pants, at least set down the gun. But no. Fun times. Fun times.
So I guess the song popped into my head because the mood of the day is "hopeful". I had a pre-op appointment with my doctor yesterday and it set my mind somewhat at ease. She doesn't think the mass is cancer. Of course this is the same lady who asked me if i wanted to do an ultrasound or let it go for a couple of months. So maybe I'm not going to trust her gut instincts. But the ct scan was clearish and my blood work looked good. So if it is cancer, it looks like it hasn't spread. Which ups my chances of survival ALOT. Good news indeed. So really there's nothing left to do but wait the two weeks for the surgery and pathology results. So I've opted to shove it all to the back of my mind. Yes indeed, i can be the queen of denial.
Well I'm off to visit my parents today. My hubby and I are taking a much needed break and going to the big city to visit my folks. I don't know how great of a break it will be unless he leaves his cell phone at home, which I doubt. I begin to wonder how the council ran without him. And sometimes it seems that his commitment to his work far outweighs his commitment to his family. I can't count how many times I've made plans for us only to have something crop up at the last minute and he can't go. But then he gets hurt that I always make plans without him. Hmmm...
Hope everyone else can join in this spurt of optimism I'm enjoying. The weather is not too hot, the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing...
"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine, could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?" Or something like that.
♥Spot
So I guess the song popped into my head because the mood of the day is "hopeful". I had a pre-op appointment with my doctor yesterday and it set my mind somewhat at ease. She doesn't think the mass is cancer. Of course this is the same lady who asked me if i wanted to do an ultrasound or let it go for a couple of months. So maybe I'm not going to trust her gut instincts. But the ct scan was clearish and my blood work looked good. So if it is cancer, it looks like it hasn't spread. Which ups my chances of survival ALOT. Good news indeed. So really there's nothing left to do but wait the two weeks for the surgery and pathology results. So I've opted to shove it all to the back of my mind. Yes indeed, i can be the queen of denial.
Well I'm off to visit my parents today. My hubby and I are taking a much needed break and going to the big city to visit my folks. I don't know how great of a break it will be unless he leaves his cell phone at home, which I doubt. I begin to wonder how the council ran without him. And sometimes it seems that his commitment to his work far outweighs his commitment to his family. I can't count how many times I've made plans for us only to have something crop up at the last minute and he can't go. But then he gets hurt that I always make plans without him. Hmmm...
Hope everyone else can join in this spurt of optimism I'm enjoying. The weather is not too hot, the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing...
"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine, could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?" Or something like that.
♥Spot
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I'm losing it...
Then again...it's quite possible I never had it to begin with. Seriously, yesterday I created a blog, blogged, posted and I came back today and it's not there! So either it was eaten by some blog-eating monster in cyberspace or I dreamt the whole thing. Sadly, either answer could be true.
So this blog is because I just need to get some things out of my head. Things I don't necessarily want to share with my friends or family. Weird, huh? I don't want to share it with them but I'll let a million web surfing strangers in on my deepest thoughts? Not really. I mean I'm pretty anonymous on here. Oh yeah, I know...any moron can hack your account and find out who you really are...but seriously, if any one's bored enough to do that to my blog...have at it dude. No, I think it's more because I don't personally know any of the readers (haha...that's assuming someone somewhere is reading this) so I'm not responsible for you. I don't have to worry about offending you, hurting your feelings, or scaring the crap out of you. I can just be "real". Don't get me wrong...that kind of makes me sound like I'm totally fake in my real life...and I'm not. It's just that, hmm...how to explain.... Ok. So you know those people who can find something good in everything? The ones who cheer you up when you're depressed, make you smile no matter what and are just fun to be around? Yeah, that's me. And no, I'm not being boastful...it's just true. I have a pretty happy outlook on life most of the time and I have a really low tolerance for self pity. Bad things happen to good people. And you have to buck up and deal with it. I've had some whoppers in my life and a wise person once said to me "Why are you asking why? Do you think when something bad happens anyone ever says 'oh yeah. I deserved that'?" And so that was the end of that. I do, on occasion, wallow in a bit of self pity...either I go back to bed for a couple of hours or cry in the shower (no one can hear you & you're already wet). But mostly I believe:
A. Everything happens for a reason. Even if you have no clue what the hell that reason is...you have to have faith that there is one.
B. Everything works out the way it's supposed to in the end. Again...not your job to figure out how...just to believe it will.
C. Karma happens. Do nice things for others (without the need for thanks or approval) and you will have good things happen to you. Do mean things to other people and you're screwed.
D. There is a lesson in everything. It IS your job to figure out what that lesson might be. And whether you are supposed to learn the lesson or teach it by example.
If you keep all of that in mind then it's pretty hard to feel sorry for yourself. Mostly because your brain is too full trying to work all that out. Lol. There you have it...my basic life philosophy. And no I'm not religious per se. I'm just spiritual. And frankly, I don't care what religious philosophy you subscribe to...as long as you believe in something. And believe strongly enough to defend it (please note there is a difference between defending your particular point of view and trying to cram it down other's throats. Or trying to convert everyone in listening distance.) And that said belief is strong enough to get you through the rough spots.
So anywho...my life was percolating along...again, had some rough spots (okay some really rough spots) but things were okay. Settling back into a routine, making it work. Had some exceptionally bright spots as well (I do have many things to be thankful for) and then they throw the big scary "C" word my way. That's right folks, I may very well have cancer. In a month it went from "do you want to do an ultrasound to check it out?" to "we have to schedule surgery to remove your right ovary and biopsy it". Yep, you guessed it ovarian cancer. One of the most aggressive and insidious cancers you can find. Good thing I said "hell yeah" to the ultrasound, huh? So surgery is set for August 12th. And I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow. I have to say in a way, this really took me by surprise. But in another way...I just had this niggling feeling that something was wrong for a couple of months now. It's funny though, my paternal grandmother died of breast cancer when I was 13 (okay that was NOT the funny part), and my aunt on my mom's side beat breast cancer several years ago (also NOT funny) so I always assumed it would be breast cancer somewhere down the road for me. (Ok, maybe none of it was funny, more ironic I guess). So you can bet I do the whole breast exam thing like clockwork. But there's obviously no home ovary check.
I'm sure you're all wondering (or maybe you're not...maybe you got up to get a drink...or got distracted by your cat, don't worry I do that all the time!) so am I scared? Ummm. You know...not so much. I mean it's probably a 75% chance I'm going to have to do chemo. They do that with ovarian cancer even if it's only "borderline malignant" (a term which makes no sense to me. Kind of like "minor heart attack" or "a touch of epilepsy". Seriously, who comes up with these?). But I'm not really scared of the chemo. I've talked to several women who've been through it and they have anti nausea drugs for the vomiting, painkillers for the aching bones, but the fatigue...yeah that worries me. I'm so exhausted most days now I can barely get up to go to the bathroom. I can't even imagine it getting worse. But I'm a hundred percent positive that I can beat this. Mostly because I have too much left to do to die yet. But if it comes to that...I'm not afraid to die. I have faith (granted its my own unique brand) and that carries me through. So what am I worried about? Losing my self.
Yeah...losing the part that makes me "me". Not having the strength to keep everyone else's spirits up. Not having the energy to listen to the details of their lives and point out the absurdities. Not being able to take joy from everything. Not feeling like laughing. I mean, I laugh alot folks! For one thing...my family is goofy and hilarious. For another...it just feels good to laugh! What if I get too sick to laugh? What if I get to sick too draw pleasure from the silly little things that I do now? Like a really good meal, or a great movie trailer, or the upcoming release of a book I'm dying to read. What if I lose that? It will be hard enough to not be able to be up taking care of my house, having people over, cooking huge meals, being every one's "mom". And losing my hair, well that's gonna suck too. But I guess I'm worried more about losing "me". And how that will affect everyone I know. So I guess...I'm not really feeling sorry for me...I'm feeling sorry for them.
Things to ponder,
♥Spot
So this blog is because I just need to get some things out of my head. Things I don't necessarily want to share with my friends or family. Weird, huh? I don't want to share it with them but I'll let a million web surfing strangers in on my deepest thoughts? Not really. I mean I'm pretty anonymous on here. Oh yeah, I know...any moron can hack your account and find out who you really are...but seriously, if any one's bored enough to do that to my blog...have at it dude. No, I think it's more because I don't personally know any of the readers (haha...that's assuming someone somewhere is reading this) so I'm not responsible for you. I don't have to worry about offending you, hurting your feelings, or scaring the crap out of you. I can just be "real". Don't get me wrong...that kind of makes me sound like I'm totally fake in my real life...and I'm not. It's just that, hmm...how to explain.... Ok. So you know those people who can find something good in everything? The ones who cheer you up when you're depressed, make you smile no matter what and are just fun to be around? Yeah, that's me. And no, I'm not being boastful...it's just true. I have a pretty happy outlook on life most of the time and I have a really low tolerance for self pity. Bad things happen to good people. And you have to buck up and deal with it. I've had some whoppers in my life and a wise person once said to me "Why are you asking why? Do you think when something bad happens anyone ever says 'oh yeah. I deserved that'?" And so that was the end of that. I do, on occasion, wallow in a bit of self pity...either I go back to bed for a couple of hours or cry in the shower (no one can hear you & you're already wet). But mostly I believe:
A. Everything happens for a reason. Even if you have no clue what the hell that reason is...you have to have faith that there is one.
B. Everything works out the way it's supposed to in the end. Again...not your job to figure out how...just to believe it will.
C. Karma happens. Do nice things for others (without the need for thanks or approval) and you will have good things happen to you. Do mean things to other people and you're screwed.
D. There is a lesson in everything. It IS your job to figure out what that lesson might be. And whether you are supposed to learn the lesson or teach it by example.
If you keep all of that in mind then it's pretty hard to feel sorry for yourself. Mostly because your brain is too full trying to work all that out. Lol. There you have it...my basic life philosophy. And no I'm not religious per se. I'm just spiritual. And frankly, I don't care what religious philosophy you subscribe to...as long as you believe in something. And believe strongly enough to defend it (please note there is a difference between defending your particular point of view and trying to cram it down other's throats. Or trying to convert everyone in listening distance.) And that said belief is strong enough to get you through the rough spots.
So anywho...my life was percolating along...again, had some rough spots (okay some really rough spots) but things were okay. Settling back into a routine, making it work. Had some exceptionally bright spots as well (I do have many things to be thankful for) and then they throw the big scary "C" word my way. That's right folks, I may very well have cancer. In a month it went from "do you want to do an ultrasound to check it out?" to "we have to schedule surgery to remove your right ovary and biopsy it". Yep, you guessed it ovarian cancer. One of the most aggressive and insidious cancers you can find. Good thing I said "hell yeah" to the ultrasound, huh? So surgery is set for August 12th. And I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow. I have to say in a way, this really took me by surprise. But in another way...I just had this niggling feeling that something was wrong for a couple of months now. It's funny though, my paternal grandmother died of breast cancer when I was 13 (okay that was NOT the funny part), and my aunt on my mom's side beat breast cancer several years ago (also NOT funny) so I always assumed it would be breast cancer somewhere down the road for me. (Ok, maybe none of it was funny, more ironic I guess). So you can bet I do the whole breast exam thing like clockwork. But there's obviously no home ovary check.
I'm sure you're all wondering (or maybe you're not...maybe you got up to get a drink...or got distracted by your cat, don't worry I do that all the time!) so am I scared? Ummm. You know...not so much. I mean it's probably a 75% chance I'm going to have to do chemo. They do that with ovarian cancer even if it's only "borderline malignant" (a term which makes no sense to me. Kind of like "minor heart attack" or "a touch of epilepsy". Seriously, who comes up with these?). But I'm not really scared of the chemo. I've talked to several women who've been through it and they have anti nausea drugs for the vomiting, painkillers for the aching bones, but the fatigue...yeah that worries me. I'm so exhausted most days now I can barely get up to go to the bathroom. I can't even imagine it getting worse. But I'm a hundred percent positive that I can beat this. Mostly because I have too much left to do to die yet. But if it comes to that...I'm not afraid to die. I have faith (granted its my own unique brand) and that carries me through. So what am I worried about? Losing my self.
Yeah...losing the part that makes me "me". Not having the strength to keep everyone else's spirits up. Not having the energy to listen to the details of their lives and point out the absurdities. Not being able to take joy from everything. Not feeling like laughing. I mean, I laugh alot folks! For one thing...my family is goofy and hilarious. For another...it just feels good to laugh! What if I get too sick to laugh? What if I get to sick too draw pleasure from the silly little things that I do now? Like a really good meal, or a great movie trailer, or the upcoming release of a book I'm dying to read. What if I lose that? It will be hard enough to not be able to be up taking care of my house, having people over, cooking huge meals, being every one's "mom". And losing my hair, well that's gonna suck too. But I guess I'm worried more about losing "me". And how that will affect everyone I know. So I guess...I'm not really feeling sorry for me...I'm feeling sorry for them.
Things to ponder,
♥Spot
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