Happy *cough cough* Spring???

First, have I told you peeps how much you mean to mean?? Well consider yourself hugged. And notified. So many get well wishes! And funny comments. And Elly's outrageous comment. Those made me laugh so hard I'm gasping for air. Which is why I kept ineffectually punching Sean in the leg yesterday. Because he'd make me laugh. And then I'd try to sock him one while going "*cough cough* Stop *cough* making me *cough* laugh! *cough cough* I can't *cough* breathe!". So yeah, I'm still sick. Okay Angelia, I hear what you're thinking girl. You sound just like my sister Hildi. "Go to the damn doctor". Um...it's Sunday. So that means I either fight the ER waiting room/docs or go tomorrow to see my doctor. And the ER docs? Not so bright. I've had pneumonia at least once and sometimes twice every winter for the last 20 years. I've been hospitalized for it 6 times and once I had to go to the doctors every day to get IVs, because I begged him not to put me in the hospital (the children were toddlers and I didn't want to leave them). These last few years I end up in the hospital because I've managed to develop allergies to all but a handful of oral antibiotics. So if those don't work, I'm stuck in there on IVs. I hate that.

In those years, I've grown to know my foe. I know how he feels in my lungs. I know how he sounds. I'm pretty sure I can pinpoint the exact moment that his little friends invaded my chest. (Of course it was the middle of the night and I had a fever, so I could just have been trippin). I also know roughly how sick I have to be for the ER doc to get the diagnosis right. If I go to soon he diagnoses a sinus infection, a respiratory virus, the flu, a bladder infection (no joke. true story), an allergic reaction. Three days later, I'm in the hospital because I have pneumonia but the doctor didn't listen. He didn't hear any rales in my chest (because it solidifies in my lungs and you can't hear anything). Did you know that chest x-rays actually lag behind two days?? That the picture they get of your chest is how it looked two days ago. Weird huh? The crazy shit you learn in the hospital!!

So, even though Hildi's yelling. And Lu and Sean are saying, "c'mon mom, let us take you in". My hubby, says "you're mother's right. she's been through this before. She'll know when to go". It's a sad fact. So until then, I'm laying on the couch, watching really weird TV shows and Sean is my caretaker while the others work. He's damn good at his job. Except for not leaving me alone. (Stop watching me sleep kid, you're creeping me out. I promise to keep breathing.) And trying to make me eat. Pneumonia makes me not hungry. (It's the only thing that ever does!!)

So keep your fingers crossed that tomorrow the doctor says "wow. you have pneumonia" and gives me the kick ass drugs so I can get off the damn couch!! Although, I'm not sure why I want to. This is what spring is looking like at my house~





Those are pics Sean snapped for me yesterday. It snowed all day long. We ended up with about 3 inches. (Another reason I didn't want to go to town yesterday). Spring, wherefore art thou??!

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Remember that one day we got snowed in? Oh yeah...it was today.

So I'm snowed in today. Yeah. For real. I was pretty sure things were headed that way yesterday when the snow just would not quit. I'm not sure all total how much we got...maybe 8 inches? And we already had some. They cancelled school for today at 8 o'clock last night. I texted my foster son and told him there was no way his car was making it home from town so he could stay with friends. My husband said on the news this morning they showed their "sky cam" pictures and the town was pretty much not moving. But out here...nobodys moving. That's the beauty or curse (whichever you prefer) of living off the beaten path. I mean...way off. After you turn off the highway...you drive eight miles down a little two lane blacktop. Then two miles up a hill and around some curves on a narrow gravel road. Then another 1/4 mile gravel driveway to my house. My husband plows the drive, so it gets done relatively quickly, although it's bad to drift. The other gravel road? Last road in the county to be plowed because it's the county line. Sometimes it's plowed before 3 in the afternoon. Sometimes not. And the blacktop. Well it's kind of a crap shoot too. So today? No one's going anywhere.


This is the deck in back. The railing...all fresh snow.


This is the front yard. Poor pine trees. It's really a heavy wet snow.


More front yard. Want to swing?

The dog's roof to her pen collapsed under the weight of the snow. Luckily, she was in her house. Hubby and genius boy went out to rescue her and make a new roof. Lu's cat wanted to go outside when I opened the door to take pictures, until he realized the snow was deeper than he was. Yes, Sean and I did laugh at him.

Ordinarily? This would be my dream day. I love being snowed in. Really. I keep my freezer and pantry stocked well (you know, in case of the zombie apocalypse) so we don't need food. We have a fireplace, in the event we lose power. I got videos from town yesterday. And Lu was already off work today. So it would be a good day to be snowed in. Except that I had somewhere to go today. Lu and I were going to pick up CJ and bring him home for a few days. We were so excited. We haven't seen him in a couple of weeks. But even if we could get out to the highway...the highway takes a southerly turn and they got hit worse than we did, oddly enough. And this highway is notoriously bad for being icy. They never seem to get it cleared well. Even if I wanted to risk mine (I would) and Lu's (I would not) lives to get there, I most assuredly would not risk his to bring him home. Lu is disappointed because it's her only day off this week and she wanted to spend it with her brother. It gets harder and harder to coordinate every one's schedule so that I can bring him home when everyone can spend time with him. The only saving grace is that I hadn't notified his school yet that I was coming to get him, so he doesn't know and won't be disappointed. He'll still be happily surprised if I show up tomorrow instead. But I'm in tears.

Some of you reading my blog are probably lost right about now. CJ is my nineteen year old son with autism. Not the kind of autism you see on TV. Not Aspbergers. More severe. He is nonverbal. He understands what we say and we back it up with some sign language but he can't talk back. He uses some signs (mostly when we insist upon it) and somehow gets his message across most of the time. He is amazing. He has the best most infectious smile of anyone I know. And big expressive eyes. He's friendlier than most autistic children and people fall in love with him easily. He loves to be cuddled, he gives kisses, and his sister is his favorite person in the entire world. He likes spongebob and jump ropes. He can Rollerblade with amazing agility and grace. He bikes so slow that the bike wobbles from side to side and I am amazed that it remains upright. His favorite food is frozen burritos. He can eat a whole bag in a day, if you let him. He loves candy and can sniff it out no matter where I hide it. He hates crowds and loud noises. When he's frustrated he bites the back of his hands. They are permanently scarred. Sometimes in frustration and anger he lashes out. You must be vigilant for the "head butt". My nose has been broken, my cheekbone and jaw fractured. Concussions also suck. He hates the time out chair. He loves playing in the snow.

He's been attending a residential school since he was nine. Do not judge me for this. I remember thinking once, when I was at a conference, that no way would I ever let CJ move from home. No one could take better care of him than his family. Didn't that mother love her child at all? But what I came to realize was that sometimes loving your child means doing what's best for them no matter how it breaks your heart. The difficult and continually painful decision to let him attend a residential school stemmed from the fact that our school district did not have the resources to provide him with the services he needed. Nor could we off the level of routine at home that he requires to make him feel safe. His increasing level of frustration put his sister and brother in danger as well as himself. The school he attends is amazing. While they accept children of all disabilities, in the last several years their focus has been autism. He receives cutting edge therapy from the SIU school of medicine. His teachers, aides, and homeworkers have all been trained and continue to be trained in helping people with autism. He lives in a group home setting with other boys his age. He gets to go on field trips and do activities on a regular basis. They have a set routine so he knows what to expect. There have been a few problems through the years, but they've been dealt with swiftly and mostly to our satisfaction.

We bring CJ home for visits as much as we are able. He goes everywhere with me when he's home. Grocery shopping, out to eat, ect. We get stared at alot. It's odd to see a nineteen year old holding his mother's hand or dropping it so that he can pirouette for no apparent reason. But we are used to the stares and pay them no mind. I use sign language in public to alert people that there is more going on than meets the eye. We plan alot of family activities when he's home so that he has a chance to be with us all. And when the visit's over and I take him home, I cry. It's like leaving a part of me behind. When we first took him to the school, I slept with one of his sweat jackets for weeks. Now I content myself with a pillow. I can't explain to you how gut wrenching it is to leave him behind. Mostly, he seems okay with it and doesn't seem to mind, but there are occasional times (mostly few and far between now) that he will keep hold of my hand or his sisters jacket and we barely make it to the car before bursting into tears. So don't doubt my love for my child.

CJ has taught me so much. He's taught me that love really can be unconditional. Because his is. He taught me about appreciating people of all abilities. He's taught me to be completely secure within myself. Not to worry what other people think. And that the most important thing is to be able to look at myself in the mirror each night and be able to say "I did my best today". Because in the end, that's what matters. That I do my best. And take responsibility for it. He taught me not to judge others. He taught me that laughing is better than crying. That I can't control what the universe throws at me, I can only control how I react. He taught me that my husband's love for our children is just as strong as mine. That we may express it differently, deal with it differently, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. He taught us to be partners. He taught us not to blame each other for things beyond our control. He taught us that life is rarely fair, but that we could persevere through the bad times. He taught us that pain makes the good times that much sweeter and more dear. Without the rain, you wouldn't know to appreciate the sun. He taught us to live for the moments that take our breath away. And that life is a never ending journey of learning and discovery and growth. He taught me to not be ashamed to ask for help when I need it and to never turn down another's plea for help. And he's taught my children these lessons too. I firmly believe that the higher powers put people like CJ in our lives not as a punishment but so that we may learn from him.


CJ and Lu


CJ jumping on the trampoline with Sean and Lu


Me & CJ at his prom last year. Sean, Lu & I were all there.

This has been a heavy post. Thank you to everyone who's kept reading til the end. I've been crying steadily the entire time. Lu stopped in to see what I was doing and started crying too. So in the interest of not leaving anyone in tears...I'm going to include an anecdote that makes us laugh. It illustrates how humor has always gotten me through...

One day when CJ was about six, I took him shopping while the younger two were at preschool. We'd run several errands and it was nearing time to pick them up from school. I don't remember why CJ wasn't at school that day but he was definitely getting tired of the shopping. He'd recently started opening the door and escaping the house if my attention was distracted. I cannot tell you the fear that struck in my heart. So my last stop was to Shopko where I was picking up some hook & eye latches to place on the door, well above his reach. I promised him a bag of skittles if we could just get through this last stop. I quickly found what I needed, got in line and placed them on the conveyor belt, along with a bag of skittles. CJ kept reaching for the skittles and was growing more and more frustrated that I wouldn't let him have them. The lady in front of me was taking her sweet time paying and the store was crowded. I pleaded with CJ to be patient and give me a few more minutes. But I could tell we were rapidly approaching meltdown.

Finally, he could take no more. In an effort to convey to me his supreme frustration, he picked up the package of hook & eye latches and hurled them. They sailed over my cashier's head and landed on a register three lanes away. Everyone stared at me open-mouthed. I briefly considered explaining, which was my usual mode of operation, but I was almost as tired and frustrated as my child, so instead I sighed wearily and said "Do you suppose someone could pass those back, because I really need them." And that was it. They got passed back. The cashier quickly rang us up and finished the transaction. People continued to stare and I could almost hear the thoughts of "why didn't she yell at that kid. what a horrible mother! why can't she make him behave?". But I honestly didn't care. Because the only one I was responsible to was myself and CJ. I handled it the best I could at that exact moment. I don't owe anyone an explanation. And yeah, I still gave him the skittles.

I promise to be funny tomorrow...
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Road trip? You mean grueling descent into hell? Oh sure, I'm in!

Okay...first "whew", *wipes sweat off brow*, No one unfollowed me!! Or unsubscribed from Kindle! I gotta tell you I was sweating it with taking a week off. I meant to blog. I sat down to blog. I wrote blogs in my head. I just didn't get them blogged. We had a super time in Myrtle Beach. And stayed busy. And busy for me = super tired. Plus, my parents really don't get the whole "blogging" thing. So they talked to me while I was online. And they're my parents, so it's not like I can ignore them like I do my children or hubby. So without further ado...

Road trip has always equaled fun in my book. Until now. The trip to Myrtle Beach, SC from Mendon, Il a week ago Monday was pretty much like a glimpse into hell. It's a long trip to begin with...17.5 hours straight through. 17.5 hours in a Grand Am (Lu's car. Better gas mileage). 17.5 hours with my kids. 17.5 hours of rest stop/gas station bathrooms. 17.5 hours of junk food. 17.5 hours of sharing the road with semi-trucks. What the hell was I thinking??! I've made the trip 3 times before, but always with another adult present. This time? Me and two quasi-adult teens. Probably, someone should've slapped some sense into me. But, well, no one did.

I was dreading the drive all weekend before we left. Mostly because it's incredibly long. But also because the weather has been so bad this winter and they were predicting a snow storm for our night of departure. So I plotted a southerly route to hopefully avoid alot of snow. Because, while I love snow, I don't like driving in it. And we're talking tiny Grand Am, not a four wheel drive anything. So our route takes us across the bridge to Hannibal, Mo. Then down to St. Louis, and back into Illinois. We cross through southern Illinois into Kentucky, down into Tennessee. Through Nashville and Chattanooga, into Georgia. Through Atlanta and Augusta and into South Carolina. Then across SC through Columbia to Myrtle. We've been this way before. Sometimes we go through Tennessee to NC and down, but there was a rock slide at Asheville and the interstate is still closed. Plus I was worried about snow in the mountains between Knoxville and Asheville.

Figuring that at some point in time, on the drive, my children will begin to make me crazy, I plan a little revenge. And by revenge, I totally mean torture. Torture in the form of two 80's CDs. Filled with songs that I love. Therefore, insuring they won't. Or so I thought. Damn them. Turns out they liked a lot of the songs. Sean more than Lu, but then that figures. Neither one of them was really down with the Tears for Fears or Pet Shop Boys. But the Police? REO Speedwagon? Madonna? Right up their alleys. And of course I'd thrown in some Simple Minds and Cutting Crew.

So we start out on our journey (read: descent into hell) at ten pm on Monday night. Sean and I had loaded down the vehicle and picked Lu up from work. We got milkshakes and gas and we were on our way. I started the driving, with Lu as a backup driver and Sean firmly ensconced in the navigational seat, armed with MapQuest directions and a trusty Atlas. Into the snow filled night we went. And went and went and kept going. It snowed all the way to Nashville. And not just snowed, but blizzarded at times. I literally drove 30 mph for part of the way. When the semis slow down, you know you better slow down too, because nothing scares those guy. At one point, a red car went blazing past me and the semi I was following (at a safe distance of course). We saw him later in a ditch on the side of the road. I saw lots of people in ditches on the side of the road. I was white knuckling it, let me tell you. At 4:30, I finally drove out of the snow, or so I thought. I whipped into a gas station in Kentucky and after filling up, and hitting the restrooms, Lu took over driving. Both kids had been asleep, Lu for the nearly the entire time, and Sean off and on. I hit the backseat and was out like a light. For 40 minutes. That's when Lu woke me up and said she couldn't see. Yeah, it was snowing again. Alot! So at the next gas station, we switched again. I may or may not have been extremely cranky by this point. I drove on til 8:30 and an hour north of Chattanooga. The snow had finally turned to rain about the time we hit Nashville. We stopped for McD's, gas and restrooms. Then Lu drove and I got some much needed sleep.

We didn't see the sun until we hit the SC border. I'm pretty sure angels sang. I hope Booshy heard me yell "hi Booshy!!" when we passed through Atlanta. Lu drove all the way to Columbia and I took over for the last three hours of the trip. It was dark by the time we got close to Myrtle, and the directions took us on some curvy foggy roads. But finally we arrived at 7 pm SC time. Which means the trip actually took 20 hours. Un-freakin-believable.

That night we unpacked, ate, showered and fell into our beds exhausted. The trip was grueling. But of course, we had some fun too. And that, my friends, is tomorrow's blog...

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Oh the weather outside is frightful...

but the fire is so delightful. Since we've no place to go...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! Mmmkkk. I really do like that song and usually I'm totally up for it. But we seem to be having a bit of snow overload currently. And still, I'd be totally cool with that if I didn't have anywhere to go. But for some reason this week I've had more places to go then I do in a month most of the time. Still, I'm not complaining. I just put on my long johns, my jeans, and my hoodie. Add snow boots and gloves and that's my winter go to town uniform. I don't wear a coat because I think they're cumbersome and I get hot. You can do the same thing with lots of layers. (which can then be removed when warm). My mother informed me last time I saw her that I looked like a farm girl. I replied that I didn't much care because I was trying for warmth and comfort not style. Also, my snow boots not only keep my toes warm, they keep me from busting my tooshie on the ice. So there.

As I said yesterday, a trip to town was on the agenda. Hubby had an appointment which ended with a mole removal from his chest and Lu had a hematology appointment. Her platelets are at the very lowest "normal" number 150,000. Which means they've been steadily dropping 10-20 thousand per week. Since you can still have surgery when they are as low as 70,000 we have a couple more weeks before she'll need treatment again. Hopefully. As usual we have to watch for signs of a more significant crash. Extra bruising, nosebleeds, petechiae. Then we ran some errands. Let me just say...getting out of our drive and off the gravel required a truck. No way either of our cars would have made it. The highway had barely one lane cleared and the roads in town were still horrible. Add people who can't drive properly and you get awful road conditions. We were in Hubby's work truck which is a good size truck but not 4wheel drive. Lu had come to town in DEBF's 4wheel drive to buy the parts for him to fix her car and then he dropped her off at the clinic where we met her.

Well he called to let us know that the snow had drifted pretty bad on the road to the house and he had some trouble even with having 4wheel drive. Hubby had plowed that road earlier but well, drifting snow has a mind of it's own. So we get to the road and get three feet down it. Then we're stuck. Really stuck. So Lu calls DEBF and no answer. So she calls the house and gets Sean. He bundles up and walks to Hubby's shop where DEBF is fixing Lu's car and they come to the rescue in the 4wheel drive. Hubby, DEBF & Sean hook chains between the two trucks then hop back in. At first we go nowhere. There's a lot of smoke and burnt rubber smell and tire spinning but we don't budge. So DEBF backs his truck up close to ours (I close my eyes in case he hits us). Then shoots forward, jerking us forward too. I give a little scream and Lu turns to me laughing.

Lu: Haven't you ever been pulled out before?

Me: No. I try to make a habit of not getting stuck. (DUH?!)

Lu: Well after two years of dating DEBF I've had lots of experience. Sometimes we're the pullers and sometimes we're the pullees. I've been pulled out of mud, snow, floodwaters, and ditches.

Me: My. What an exciting life you lead.

Lu: Being pulled out not so fun. But we always had fun getting stuck.

By this time we're being pulled down the road. Then the chain snaps! Luckily we're unstuck and able to go on our own. Although I'm still worried we're going to hit the back end of DEBF's truck. Then Hubby pulls into our drive and slides sideways, nearly taking out my car before righting himself. I flinch, tense and shut my eyes. Lu turns to me again.

Lu: Geez mom, have a little faith in your man. Their trucks are like their penises. They know how to use them.

That just may be the best analogy ever. If only it hadn't been my daughter who said it...

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