Thank you all so much for your "get-well" wishes and your prayers for my Grandmother. I'm finally fever free so I'm going to visit her at the hospital today. We should get the results of the needle biopsy of her liver and have a more informative prognosis.
So, the last few posts have been distinctly "un"funny. But as those of you who've been reading this blog for awhile know, things are rarely serious for long at our house. It's just not how we roll. So for today, here's a conversation Sean and I had while watching a program on alien sightings~
Sean: Why are people always claiming that aliens anal-probed them? Seriously, do you think aliens would be that fascinated with our butts? They have the technology to build spaceships and travel through the galaxy and the best their medical team can come up with is an anal-probe? I think not.
Me: Well it's a little known fact that aliens don't have butts. That's why they want to study ours.
Sean: The hell?! Why would you think aliens don't have butts?
Me: Have you seen the drawings people do of aliens? Have you ever once seen one with a butt?? And not once in any sci-fi movie have you ever heard "There's definitely alien life on this planet!", "Why's that Bob?", "Because I just stepped in a big pile of alien sh*t!". Nope. Not once. Therefore, one can only can conclude that they don't have butts.
Sean: That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard.
Me: Really?! The most ludicrous thing you've ever heard?
Sean: Okay. Not the most. But it ranks right up there.
Me: Maybe they do the anal probe because they think it's the fastest way to our brains. I mean, if I was intelligent life watching this planet, I'd definitely think most people have their heads up their butts.
Sean: Now see, that theory makes sense. Or...maybe they're micro chipping us.
Me: Ooohh! You mean like they do dogs?
Sean: Exactly. Or like the way Ducks Unlimited bands ducks. They're tracking our migratory patterns.
Me: Maybe we're just like pets to them. Or maybe we're just one super reality TV show.
So what's your theory?
♥Spot
Showing posts with label aliens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aliens. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
So I'm pretty sure aliens stole my gallbladder...
The week before I went on vacation I had two tests done...a brain MRI for the headaches I was having. My doctor said it might be an aneurysm. Really? Who picks that as the first choice?? Give him a choice between a horse and a zebra and this doctor always picks the zebra. But he has been right a majority of the time so I go along.
The other test was a gallbladder ultrasound. I've been having some stomach trouble for a couple of months now and he's convinced it's my gallbladder. I don't care anymore, I just want it to stop. I really really like to cook and eat and I don't like feeling horrible after I do. He said if the ultrasound came back negative, he wanted to do a fluoroscopy. Mmmmk. So I had my tests and I went on vacation. And I forgot to call and get the results. I figured if it was anything serious, they'd call me. So last week, after getting back and settling in I called the Doctor's office. And it went like this~
Me~ Hi *nurse*, it's *me*, I had a brain MRI and a gallbladder ultrasound two weeks ago and I was just calling for the results because I haven't heard anything.
Nurse~ um. OK. when did you have those?
Me~ February 4th.
Nurse~ okay. Let me see here. Give me a minute. Can you hold?
Me~ sure. (I'm smart enough to use the 800 number when I call so it's free.) Lalalalalala. (insert some humming, some talking to Sean)
Nurse~ okay. I have them. I'm looking at the MRI. Did you have an appointment to discuss these results with him?
Me~ um. no. that's why I'm calling to get them. (Duh?)
Nurse~ oh. well. I'm going to have to call you back.
Me~ um. ok.
I hang up and pretty much begin freaking out. Why does she have to call me back. What's up with that MRI. Do I really have an aneurysm?? Have I been walking around with a ticking time bomb in my head for two weeks??! Why didn't they call me?!
The nurse calls back~
Nurse~ Okay, I talked to the doctor and the results of both the brain MRI and the gallbladder ultrasound are normal.
Me~ (WTF?!! You had to talk to the doctor to tell me that?! I worried for 20 minutes that my head might explode because you couldn't tell me it was fine??!) Um. Ok.
Nurse~ So is there anything else?
Me~ Well he said if the gallbladder thing was normal he wanted to do some radioactive xray.
Nurse~ huh. Well I'll have to talk to him and call you back.
Me~ Of course you will. Ok.
I'm a little perturbed. Really? Is it that hard to get all your eggs in one basket before you call the patient? Aren't all my records on the computer anyway? And why didn't they send me the "your tests were all normal" letter in the first place?? She calls back~
Nurse~ Okay. I have to call the hospital to set this up, can you hold while I have them on the other line?
Me~ sure. (She clicks over. I stare at the walls.)
Nurse~ oh hey, do you still have your gallbladder?
Me~ (omigod. Did she just for real ask me that?? Seriously? She just gave me the results of my gallbladder ultrasound ten minutes ago. This whole test is for your gallbladder. WTF?) um. pretty sure that's why we're doing this test...
Nurse~ okay. (she clicks back over)
Me~ (to Sean) Dude!! She for real just asked if I still had my gallbladder!
Sean~ No way! She just gave you the results of your gallbladder test!
Me~ I know right??! This is not instilling confidence in me.
Nurse~ Okay, so we set it up for next Tuesday morning at 8am. I'm going to give you the list of instructions, so write it down.
Me~ okay. (I'm so not writing this down)
Nurse~ you can't have anything to eat or drink 6 hours before.
Me~ no snacks after 2am. got it.
Nurse~ bring a list of all your current meds.
Me~ uh huh.
Nurse~ you can't have any retained barium...
Me~ (the hell is that?? waiting for her to continue. Long silence...) Are you still there?
Nurse~ yes. I was waiting for you to say okay.
Me~ I don't even know what that is.
Nurse~ Like if you'd had a barium xray the day before or anything.
Me~ (wouldn't you have been the one to schedule that?? Is that even an issue??) Mmmm...okay. No barium for breakfast. Got it.
Nurse~ No Demerol, nubain, or morphine for five hours before. I don't think you're on any of that...
Me~ um no. Pretty sure those are mostly pain shots given at the hospital...
Then she makes me repeat the list back to her. Which I can do perfectly because it's sooo bizarre!! The whole conversation has been bizarre. I'm wondering if she's on medication.
So today was the fluoroscopy. I got there at 8am. They called me back and I hopped up on one of those flat metal xray tables. The tech started and IV and explained that they would be giving me an injection of radioactive isotopes. These would show up on the camera. First they'd highlight my liver, then drain into the gallbladder and small bowel. There were a series of pictures every five minutes for the first hour. Then they would start an IV of meds that would cause the gallbladder to contract and empty the isotopes completely into the small bowel. That would take continuous pictures for thirty minutes. I began to wonder what I got myself into.
She gave me the injection and I felt nothing. I watched the lights coalesce on the screen. She pointed out my liver. Then she pointed out the small bowel. The gallbladder was taking it's time getting to the party. After about twenty minutes she asked~
Tech~ Do you still have your gallbladder?
Me~ (omg. for real?? Did another person just ask me that??! Why the hell would I be here if I didn't?!) Um. Yeah. Unless the aliens stole it.
She looked at me like I'd lost my mind. But seriously, if one more person asks me that, somebody's getting decked. I just have to wonder if there are actually people who've scheduled this test and didn't have a gallbladder??! Finally my uncooperative gallbladder showed up to the party. But not as well as they wanted so I had to roll on my right side so hopefully the isotopes would drain into it. She left for fifteen minutes. I dozed off. She scared the shit out of me when she woke me up.
At last we got to the second part. She warned me that some people said the meds made their gallbladder hurt. Just to try to lay still. By this time, I couldn't move anyway. My hip joints and back don't take kindly to two hours on a metal table. It didn't hurt, but it did make me pretty nauseous. My gallbladder continued to glow. Now that it had the stuff, it seemed reluctant to give it up. Way to go gallbladder. You keep the glowing stuff all to yourself. Selfish bastard.
Finally we were done. Apparently my doctor's office will call me with the results. Yeah, right. I'll hold my breath. My body protested the journey off the table. I was stiff and sore, I'm sure I looked like a little old lady hobbling along. The tech took the IV port out and had some trouble with the bleeding. Apparently, my blood was thin today. She bandaged it and let me put my sweatshirt back on and leave. As I walked out, I could feel blood dribbling down my arm so I hightailed it to the nearest bathroom. Sure enough it was a mess. Quite possibly that sweatshirt is ruined forever. I got it stopped, got cleaned up and hit the grocery store before heading home. Guess we'll see what the results are. I'd like it to be something simple like the gallbladder. But remember my intense fear of surgery. ANY surgery. And how I never heal right?? Maybe, I can just stop eating. Then I'd lose weight. That's a win/win right? So, just to prove all this really happened...here's a photo of the amazing bruise the IV left on my arm. I'm sure tomorrow the colors will be even better. Lol.
And thank you to everyone for the amazing outpouring of support and friendship and love yesterday. You have no idea how much it means to me. I feel so blessed. I wasn't feeling so hot after the test today so Sean and I are going up to get CJ tomorrow. I can't wait.
♥Spot
The other test was a gallbladder ultrasound. I've been having some stomach trouble for a couple of months now and he's convinced it's my gallbladder. I don't care anymore, I just want it to stop. I really really like to cook and eat and I don't like feeling horrible after I do. He said if the ultrasound came back negative, he wanted to do a fluoroscopy. Mmmmk. So I had my tests and I went on vacation. And I forgot to call and get the results. I figured if it was anything serious, they'd call me. So last week, after getting back and settling in I called the Doctor's office. And it went like this~
Me~ Hi *nurse*, it's *me*, I had a brain MRI and a gallbladder ultrasound two weeks ago and I was just calling for the results because I haven't heard anything.
Nurse~ um. OK. when did you have those?
Me~ February 4th.
Nurse~ okay. Let me see here. Give me a minute. Can you hold?
Me~ sure. (I'm smart enough to use the 800 number when I call so it's free.) Lalalalalala. (insert some humming, some talking to Sean)
Nurse~ okay. I have them. I'm looking at the MRI. Did you have an appointment to discuss these results with him?
Me~ um. no. that's why I'm calling to get them. (Duh?)
Nurse~ oh. well. I'm going to have to call you back.
Me~ um. ok.
I hang up and pretty much begin freaking out. Why does she have to call me back. What's up with that MRI. Do I really have an aneurysm?? Have I been walking around with a ticking time bomb in my head for two weeks??! Why didn't they call me?!
The nurse calls back~
Nurse~ Okay, I talked to the doctor and the results of both the brain MRI and the gallbladder ultrasound are normal.
Me~ (WTF?!! You had to talk to the doctor to tell me that?! I worried for 20 minutes that my head might explode because you couldn't tell me it was fine??!) Um. Ok.
Nurse~ So is there anything else?
Me~ Well he said if the gallbladder thing was normal he wanted to do some radioactive xray.
Nurse~ huh. Well I'll have to talk to him and call you back.
Me~ Of course you will. Ok.
I'm a little perturbed. Really? Is it that hard to get all your eggs in one basket before you call the patient? Aren't all my records on the computer anyway? And why didn't they send me the "your tests were all normal" letter in the first place?? She calls back~
Nurse~ Okay. I have to call the hospital to set this up, can you hold while I have them on the other line?
Me~ sure. (She clicks over. I stare at the walls.)
Nurse~ oh hey, do you still have your gallbladder?
Me~ (omigod. Did she just for real ask me that?? Seriously? She just gave me the results of my gallbladder ultrasound ten minutes ago. This whole test is for your gallbladder. WTF?) um. pretty sure that's why we're doing this test...
Nurse~ okay. (she clicks back over)
Me~ (to Sean) Dude!! She for real just asked if I still had my gallbladder!
Sean~ No way! She just gave you the results of your gallbladder test!
Me~ I know right??! This is not instilling confidence in me.
Nurse~ Okay, so we set it up for next Tuesday morning at 8am. I'm going to give you the list of instructions, so write it down.
Me~ okay. (I'm so not writing this down)
Nurse~ you can't have anything to eat or drink 6 hours before.
Me~ no snacks after 2am. got it.
Nurse~ bring a list of all your current meds.
Me~ uh huh.
Nurse~ you can't have any retained barium...
Me~ (the hell is that?? waiting for her to continue. Long silence...) Are you still there?
Nurse~ yes. I was waiting for you to say okay.
Me~ I don't even know what that is.
Nurse~ Like if you'd had a barium xray the day before or anything.
Me~ (wouldn't you have been the one to schedule that?? Is that even an issue??) Mmmm...okay. No barium for breakfast. Got it.
Nurse~ No Demerol, nubain, or morphine for five hours before. I don't think you're on any of that...
Me~ um no. Pretty sure those are mostly pain shots given at the hospital...
Then she makes me repeat the list back to her. Which I can do perfectly because it's sooo bizarre!! The whole conversation has been bizarre. I'm wondering if she's on medication.
So today was the fluoroscopy. I got there at 8am. They called me back and I hopped up on one of those flat metal xray tables. The tech started and IV and explained that they would be giving me an injection of radioactive isotopes. These would show up on the camera. First they'd highlight my liver, then drain into the gallbladder and small bowel. There were a series of pictures every five minutes for the first hour. Then they would start an IV of meds that would cause the gallbladder to contract and empty the isotopes completely into the small bowel. That would take continuous pictures for thirty minutes. I began to wonder what I got myself into.
She gave me the injection and I felt nothing. I watched the lights coalesce on the screen. She pointed out my liver. Then she pointed out the small bowel. The gallbladder was taking it's time getting to the party. After about twenty minutes she asked~
Tech~ Do you still have your gallbladder?
Me~ (omg. for real?? Did another person just ask me that??! Why the hell would I be here if I didn't?!) Um. Yeah. Unless the aliens stole it.
She looked at me like I'd lost my mind. But seriously, if one more person asks me that, somebody's getting decked. I just have to wonder if there are actually people who've scheduled this test and didn't have a gallbladder??! Finally my uncooperative gallbladder showed up to the party. But not as well as they wanted so I had to roll on my right side so hopefully the isotopes would drain into it. She left for fifteen minutes. I dozed off. She scared the shit out of me when she woke me up.
At last we got to the second part. She warned me that some people said the meds made their gallbladder hurt. Just to try to lay still. By this time, I couldn't move anyway. My hip joints and back don't take kindly to two hours on a metal table. It didn't hurt, but it did make me pretty nauseous. My gallbladder continued to glow. Now that it had the stuff, it seemed reluctant to give it up. Way to go gallbladder. You keep the glowing stuff all to yourself. Selfish bastard.
Finally we were done. Apparently my doctor's office will call me with the results. Yeah, right. I'll hold my breath. My body protested the journey off the table. I was stiff and sore, I'm sure I looked like a little old lady hobbling along. The tech took the IV port out and had some trouble with the bleeding. Apparently, my blood was thin today. She bandaged it and let me put my sweatshirt back on and leave. As I walked out, I could feel blood dribbling down my arm so I hightailed it to the nearest bathroom. Sure enough it was a mess. Quite possibly that sweatshirt is ruined forever. I got it stopped, got cleaned up and hit the grocery store before heading home. Guess we'll see what the results are. I'd like it to be something simple like the gallbladder. But remember my intense fear of surgery. ANY surgery. And how I never heal right?? Maybe, I can just stop eating. Then I'd lose weight. That's a win/win right? So, just to prove all this really happened...here's a photo of the amazing bruise the IV left on my arm. I'm sure tomorrow the colors will be even better. Lol.
And thank you to everyone for the amazing outpouring of support and friendship and love yesterday. You have no idea how much it means to me. I feel so blessed. I wasn't feeling so hot after the test today so Sean and I are going up to get CJ tomorrow. I can't wait.
♥Spot
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