One of these days...

I'm going to convince my family that this is my work. Yes, thanks for pointing out that it would be easier if I was actually making money at it. But, I have to devote the time, perfect my craft, and work up a fan base to even start making money. And to do that I have to have more of that precious commodity called "time". Time in which I'm left alone, at my computer with the door closed. This seems to be nearly impossible. If my youngest son is not poking his head in to inform me that he's hungry and ask what I'm making him to eat, my husband is poking his head in "just to check on you", or a cat is scratching at the door (or more often, walking on my keyboard), or a friend is calling. Why is carving out time to devote to something I love so difficult? And if they aren't bugging me, it's usually because I've snapped and fussed at them all. Then I feel massively guilty and keep thinking about the times when I'm missing them. Even now, I've just booted everyone out of the room and I'm writing this but at the back of my mind is the knowledge that the guys just got home from work and I need to get some supper started. How do successful writers do this? How do you balance it all? I would love to disappear in here and write for hours on end, only emerging to use the restroom and eat, but the guilt would swamp me...

Oh well, maybe being a successful writer isn't really in my future. It's not like I haven't done anything worthwhile with my life. I'm pretty proud of my kids and how they turned (continue to turn) out. Maybe successful mother is enough. *sigh* I wish it paid better...

wistfully,
♥Spot

Routines...

and/or the lack thereof is my current thought. Actually I have this amazing love/hate relationship with routines. I rebel against the monotony of routine while at the same time craving the familiarity. Yes, it's quite the conundrum. I have never been, as my husband so aptly puts it, "a nine to five kinda girl". I despise Monday thru Friday jobs with set hours. That's why I worked retail for so long- the variety of shifts and no set schedules works much better for me. I completely rebel about doing the same thing everyday at the same time. If you'll notice...almost none of my blog posts are ever at the same time of day...they range throughout the day. I cannot keep a schedule. Which explains alot. I'm rarely punctual, my children were not always on time for school, in fact some days they didn't even show up, and I didn't last long at some of my jobs. Now, I suppose that some (okay, maybe alot) of individuals would see this as a problem. Maybe even a fault. But I prefer to think of it as creative, gypsy-like behavior. No, I'm not delusional, I just think outside the box. My spirit is not a square.

In fact, my family has made it work for us. The kids ended up being homeschooled and they've turned out really well. I know that some people in our lives (my parents, my husbands family) were a little worried when we decided to homeschool, at least in part due to my lack of scheduling discipline. But it worked. I'd done my homework. And my research actually backed me up. Not everyone can function in the routine 9-5 world. My youngest son certainly doesn't. He was bored spitless in school and did much better at home where I allowed him to work on schoolwork on his own schedule and research things driven by his own interest rather then a set plan. Did I mention that he's only 16 and will be starting college in January? My daughter preferred to get up and start school immediately and work til she was done. Fortunately, homeschooling allowed her to get up at 10 and then start. She turns 18 in two weeks...finished high school last December. She's currently taking some time to travel but is enrolled in her college program for next fall.

Now, homeschooling definitely isn't for everyone. First, (and no, I'm not bragging) you have to be relatively intelligent yourself. Second, you have to really (and I mean REALLY) like your children. Third, you have to commit the time and energy that it requires (and it's alot of both). I think it also worked well for us because we have intellectually motivated kids. And yes...they got plenty of socialization. They both had outside activities like scouts and dance. They went to camp, they worked at a camp for kids with disabilities, they went to homecomings, football games, basketball games, my daughter went to 3 proms. They really didn't miss anything, except the tediousness of sitting in a classroom for 6 hours everyday. Both have turned out incredibly well adjusted, intelligent, and mature for their age. And I can't take all the credit. Part of it goes to their father, friends of ours and to the kids themselves for choosing to make the most of the situation instead of using it to slack off.

Wow...I kind of rambled. That happens. But I guess to get back to what I was saying earlier...even though I loathe routines and schedules on a (I swear) molecular level, I find myself craving them every once in awhile. Times like these last few months, when everything has been hectic and up in the air, I've longed for them to settle down so that I could find some sort of predictability to my days. Maybe it's just a natural response to chaos, or maybe I'm getting old...

♥Spot

Okay...so I took

a really long vacation! Sorry...but wow. It's just been hectic. First there was the surgery that didn't go well, then there was the packing for the vacation, then there was the actual vacation, and then there was the week of the infected incision, really bad cold & freakish wasp sting. See? I told you it had been hectic! But hopefully (and if anyone feels like crossing their fingers for me at this point please do so) things are on the mend and the cart is back on the track to normal. Or what passes for normal anyway.

So here are the things I've learned recently:

1. Never ever under any circumstances schedule surgery two weeks before a vacation regardless of how minor the doctor assures you it will be.

2. Never expect things to go exactly as you've planned them. (I know- you're thinking surely she already knew this?! And I did, I just forgot).

3. Wasp stings hurt really really badly. And my body reacts freakishly to them.

4. Having your incision slit open with a scalpel with no numbing agent also hurts really badly.

5. Your mother pouring bactine on a wound and bandaging it for you will make you feel like a five year old even when you're 39.

6. I may possibly have the worst luck of anyone I know.

But the good news is...I'm still alive, things will settle back down, and I killed the freakin wasp!!!

Happy weekend,
♥Spot

Yes, I am alive...

Okay that should have been YES!!! I am alive. And not dying! The surgery is over, the healing is not, but pathology reports have come back completely benign. If my stomach didn't still hurt so badly, I'd do a happy happy dance!

The surgery itself took twice as long as predicted and there were a few complications. Seems the cyst would not pop, would not drain, would not reduce it's size. As it had grown since the ct scan and was now the size of a freakin grapefruit and of a rather leathery consistency, they had to widen the incision. Then I'm told, they nicked an artery and had to sew that up right quick. All in all I came out with more then I'd bargained for pain wise. The incision is an ugly 4 inch gash on my left side that is rather indented and gross. It also pulled apart some when the glue came off so I won't be modeling swimwear anytime soon. (Not that I ever did). It's healing slowly and as long as I don't make any sudden jerky movements (coughing reduces me to tears) it's not so bad anymore. Funny how you don't realize how often you use your stomach muscles until they've been slashed open and re sewn. Yesterday I had to make a trip to the ER for fever. Spent an hour getting meds and IV fluids and was told to go back to "taking it easy". Wow, just when I'd resumed mountain climbing. lol. Really...I'm so tired of sitting on my behind doing nothing it's ridiculous. And yes...my house is suffering. Note to self...do not schedule surgery for the day before your daughter runs off to Texas, thus leaving no one to do housework. Oh yes...there are the guys. Hahahaha. They don't really get housework. But at least Sean has been good about taking care of me.

I'm trying to heal fast because the Myrtle Beach vacation is less then a week away! We leave Friday morning to head to Ohio to meet up with the rest of the clan. Then it's a three vehicle, ten people, 12 hour caravan to the coast. I'm insane you say? Yes well, I thought that had already been established...

missed you dear readers,
♥Spot

So the big day is...

tomorrow. I have to be there at 6:30 am. Surgery at 7:30. So why am I still up and online at 10:15pm? Because I'm scared shitless. Yeah...I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm not scared of the pain after surgery. I'm not scared of the pathology results. At this point in time, there's nothing I can do about any of that except deal. I'm scared of surgery...I hate being put under. I'm really kind of a control freak and being put under is losing control. When I think about it, I hyperventilate. So, not much sleep for me tonight.

On a good note, I had a great day. My daughter and her boyfriend helped me clean the house top to bottom (since I'm not sure when I'll be capable again). My son got his driver's license. And then his girlfriend came out and we all went swimming. Then we grilled steaks and made dinner and watched a movie. It was quality time. If all goes well with my surgery, my daughter and her boyfriend leave for Texas tomorrow night. I'm so excited for her. But sad.

And just so things go my way...I packed a bag for the hospital. Because if you're prepared...you never have to stay. Spot's law.

Take care dears & I'll catch you on the flip side.
♥Spot

Home again. Home again. Jiggety jig.

Remember that nursery rhyme? No matter. I've just been remembering nursery rhymes lately. My son and I were rearranging them in the car. Into "slightly stoned" nursery rhymes. No. Neither of us smokes pot. We just know people who do and found the game slightly amusing. Helped pass those eight long hours of drive time. =] The trip went well. I'm so glad my children can drive now. And my daughter has made that trip with me so many times that she has it down. I can slide into the backseat and catch a few hours of shut eye while she takes the wheel. My son declined to drive, he really isn't a big fan of driving, but he's a good passenger. Keeps up a lively conversation to ensure the drivers wakefulness.

All in all it was a good trip. Any time I get to spend with my sister is good. Our closeness was a long time coming. We were close as children, since there were only the two of us, and we moved so frequently that sometimes we were each others only friend. But after I left home when she was only ten, it kind of got rocky. I wasn't there for her formative years and it seemed that the family closed ranks, with me on the outside looking in. After that, we were always at such different points in our lives, it was hard to find common ground. It's only been the last 4 or 5 years I'd call us close again, with the last 2 really cementing the bond. And I adore her girls. Not that they don't have their faults, whose kids don't? But on the whole, she's raising wonderful, loving children. And I like my kids being able to interact with their cousins. We always had a whole gang of cousins we were lucky enough to spend time with nearly every summer.

Mostly, I didn't think about my surgery too much. Except that the cyst has decided to give me pain. Now, nervous as I am about surgery...I'm welcoming it. I just want this invader gone so i can get back to my life. I hate having to cancel plans because of pain. It makes me feel like a weenie.

I enjoyed the time with my kids. My daughter and I resolved most of our issues and are once again back to being friends. It will be sad when she leaves, but I think I've got a better handle on it now. I really am excited for her to start this new adventure with her life. And thankful that she's starting it with such a great guy. And my son, well I'm busy trying to teach him to be a thoughtful boyfriend. And definitely enjoying his company. I love the young man he's becoming.

And am very excitedly looking ahead to the end of this month. August 28th to be exact. The road trip, the week in south carolina, the ocean. I can't believe we managed to get it all together. My parents, my sister and her family, my hubby and son and daughter are all heading to myrtle beach for a week. We rented a penthouse condo on the beach. We've been there twice before and I can't wait to show them around. Plus I just love the ocean. The photo in my heading is one I took myself in myrtle beach last year. Just watching it makes me happy. It renews my spirit in a way nothing else does. And I think I'm in need of some renewal.

I hope you all had a pleasant week...
♥Spot

Road Trips & Reminisces

So I'm nearly packed! I only have three more loads of laundry to do and dinner to cook and I can relax for the night. We leave at 7 am tomorrow morning for Ohio. It's an 8 hour trip. 8 hours on the road with my son & daughter (biologicals). Good thing I like them, eh? We will only be gone for five days, but that's enough to rejuvenate. I like to have the alone time to reconnect with them after their month of camp. And really, with my daughter, it will be the last road trip we'll take together while she lives under our roof. Strange that. And even more importantly, it may be the last trip we take together without the "C" word being a part of our lives. I honestly haven't put much more thought into that. The surgery's now a week and a half away and I think this trip will help keep it off my mind.

So I'm having some issues with my daughter leaving I guess. I thought I was doing all right with the concept, but I seem to have some unresolved anger with her. I don't know what its stemming from. We just seem to start arguing every time we try to talk. She takes offense to everything I say. Maybe it's because she already has one foot out the door. And she resents any attempt at "mothering" on my part. Maybe I'm having some abandonment issues. I wonder, do all mothers feel that way when their daughters leave? Seems like it would be normal to me.

But on to road trips...my sister and I practically grew up in the backseat of my parents car. My dad was in the Air Force so we never stayed in one place long. Inevitably there were at least to treks a year back to the Midwest to see family. One at the holidays and one in the summer. Thankfully, there were only the two of us to cram back there. Although we probably did enough fighting for three or more kids. I always liked traveling at night best. That great feeling of dozing just between asleep and awake. Caught in that twilight land, looking out the window at the night sky and then the huge sweep of lights as we'd pass a well lit interstate exit. There was even something great about stopping at the gas station, a quick trip to the restroom, then climb back into the nest we'd made of the backseat, kick off your shoes, and snuggle back down. It was comforting to be cocooned in the bubble universe of the car hurtling through the night to a familiar destination. Man I miss being a kid sometimes.

Tell me about your road trips and I'll tell you about mine...
♥Spot